The Other Half of My Heart

Chapter Seventeen: Why Sam?

Chapter Seventeen:   Why Sam?

I arrived at home and sighed, today had been a long stressful day.  One I would not like to re-live.  School tomorrow was going to suck, seeing Viola, seeing Sam.

Why did I fall for Sam anyways?  Not like his perfect brown chocolaty eyed were beautiful... Or even his super cute dark-brown-almost-black hair... The way he smiled at me... Making me feel like I was the only girl alive out there.... NO! I jerked myself out of this train of thought.  Today was Monday, and there was a small group at the church today.

I might as well go, I have nothing better to do. I still had hardened my heart against 'God', but maybe these christians were nice and would help me out.  Maybe I could make some friends. I didn't exactly have very many, and I could always use more.

I only had two friend, if you were counting Jessica from the Candy Shop. And Sam.  I was beginging to think that having a boyfriend wasn't worth the drama it came with, but he took my mind off of Viola.  That was still a touchy subject.  

So I guessed that that was good.  I took out my key and unlocked the house.  It was so dark, and also strange that no one was home yet.  Chills went down my back.   My brain decided to be nice.  I started thinking about crazy ax murderer's, monsters, and... ghosts.

Ghosts got me back onto Viola.  The floor creaked as I walked over to the staircase and began walking up them.  I felt very alone without her, no reality was I was alone.  Forever.  I, Tasha, am forever alone.  

No not this again, I didn't want to fall into this miserable pit of depression.  I could just take it out on myself.  Just once.  Then I'll be better.  I jumped as my phone vibrated with a text.  I took my phone out, slid it open, and lapped on the text to open it.  It was from Sam! Maybe he would help me out of this pit of depression!

Sam: I hate you

What?  I didn't understand... Why would he say that?  Just yesterday he told me that he loved me.  I must be too ugly for him.  I'm not pretty enough, not good enough, my nose was too big, I was too short. I wasn't perfect, it wasn't forever and always.

I fell back into memory.

MEMORY

I made up my mind. Running into my room, I opened the drawer and searched for that one knife I always kept in there.  Not the breast cancer knife, the sharp knife.  Just sharp enough to cut through things easily...

I found it, shockingly enough, by cutting my finger. I grasped the handle and took it out, shaking.  This was hard for me.  

I took the knife, threw my phone and went into my bathroom.  Sitting down on the toilet I shakily set the knife on my wrist.  I heard my phone buzz, thought of the hate message I had gotten yesterday,  and cut myself. I heard the garage door open, and cried out.  

I knew it was my mom.  I cut myself one more time.  Blood poured through the wound.  I shook horribly.  I stood up, and rinsed the knife off. I stashed it under the sink, and changed into a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie.  Running back into the bathroom, I pushed my shirt up, cringing horribly, and rinsed the wound off.  

i bandaged it, and went down to lie on my bed.  Never again, I promised myself.  Never again.  

END OF MEMORY

No, I wouldn't do it again. Hurting yourself never gets you anywhere. It only causes even more unnecessary pain.  I would not go there again.  

I heard the garage door open.  I looked down at my arm.  The scars were still faintly there.  No one had ever noticed.  No one, that is, except for my sister. She had noticed immediately and made me promise never to do it again.  

For my sister I ignored the text and texted Jessica.

ME: Hey Jessica

Jessica: Hey!  long time no talk lol

ME: oh yeah lol

Jessica: so what's up?

ME: so i know we just met today, but we clicked a lot... i think??

Jessica: yeah we did!! :)

ME: um okay, so I have no other friends to go to, can we meet up at starbucks in an hour?? I need to talk to someone.

Jessica: sure! the one by the candy shop??

ME: yeah... that'll work...

Jessica:  see you there <3

Me: okay thanks

Jessica: no prob

I slid my phone shut and immediately went to my dresser.  I refused to even glance at the bedside table where the knife lay. I grabbed a light brown hoodie, fluttery pink shirt, and bleached skinny jeans; then rushed into the bathroom to change.

I took my shirt off and saw my reflection in the mirror.  I frowned at it.  I didn't have much of a curve inwards on my sides.  My legs looked fat, my face had tiny blackheads on it, that seemed huge to me. My face wasn't perfect like most people's were.  

Perfect tan, blonde hair.... Ocean blue eyes, perfect boyfriend... I didn't have any of those things.  My eyes were blue, but not a pretty blue.  I had freckles, so that made my slight tan ugly, and I had changed my blonde hair to black.

i felt so scared of myself.  

My phone buzzed.  0n3 n3vv ^^3$$@g3

I smiled, that always popped up instead of one new message when Sam texted me. I missed him.  It hurt to like him. I didn't think he liked me anymore anyways.  After all, he hated me. Or was I just being a drama queen?

Tears pricked my eyes, and I rushed to grab my keys,heading back into my car.  I started the vehicle, driving away.