Becoming Brett

18. Sacrifices & Losses

James slams the door to my wagon, a grin on his face as I speed down the street toward our spot. I keep my hands gripped tight around my steering wheel, my teeth smashed together because I'm trying to hold myself together.

But the longer I've had time to think about it the more I don't like it. Ellie went on and on about James and Darren, all during music, every time James wasn't there. She's filled my head with so much evidence that I'm nearly convinced there's something there.

And I don't like it.

"Is everything okay?" James asks, I hit my blinker with more force than necessary, careful that I don't make eye contact with him because I know that if I do I'll just push it all to the side. "Brett?"

"Your secret friendship with Darren is out." I say bitterly.

"It's not a secret." James replies.

"Well now Ellie thinks there's something going on with you and him."

He shifts in my front seat, his gray eyes practically burning holes through me as I drive but I don't give in.

"Darren isn't gay Brett."

I hate that word and he says it so easily. Like it's not the cause to all my problems.

"How do you know?" I question. I'm almost certain no one suspects me. It'd be easy for Darren to hide it too, all you have to do is keep a low profile. And that's exactly what he's done.

"Because." James says irritably. "I just know."

"How?" I press, the ice cream shop flies by and I hit the brakes, my wagon's mechanics screaming in protest at the aggressiveness of my actions.

"Because I just know." He's quick to get exasperated with me.

"But how do you know J." I don't mean for my voice to raise or the way my words are clipped. "Has he said something? Because from where I am, it sure looks like somethings going on."

"Are you serious right now?" James mutters.

I pull down the road that leads to our spot, driving faster than I normally would because desperation is eating me alive. I know James' question is rhetorical but I mutter out a pathetic "yeah, I'm serious."

The tires of my wagon slip over the loose gravel as I turn into the deserted parking lot of our spot. The car slides, kicking up a pile dust before it jerks itself straight again and we come to a stop. I put it in park and kill the engine.

Silence fills my car, the only thing that sounds around us is the twinging of the engine as it recovers from use. But even though I'm not driving anymore, I can't seem to peel my hands off the steering wheel. I can't seem to do anything other than that sit there with all my muscles taught and my eyes straight ahead with the fear that's blooming in my chest.

"What do you want from me Brett?" James asks. "You want me to not have friends?"

I shake my head no. I don't want to be that kind of person. I just wish that it wasn't Darren, that I didn't feel so insecure about him.

"Then what?" He pushes.

But I don't have an answer. I just know every time I see James with Darren I feel crazy.

"You told him about us?" I ask quietly.

I've already asked this question. Probably too many times.

James let's out a sigh, his hands thrown up in the air before they smack down on his jean clad legs.

"No." He says. "I haven't told anyone about us."

The dust is nearly settled around us and as it settles the nature park comes into view. The tall trees, the leaves still green for a short while longer. The tall grass that blows in the gentle wind, tugging and pulling at the ends like it's waving to us. Beckoning us to come into its field.

"You know..." there's annoyance in his voice. "If you'd let us tell people than everyone would know we're together and you wouldn't have to worry."

"I can't J."

He sighs and even though we're just a short distance from each other I feel miles apart. My inability to come out driving a wedge between us.

"You keep saying that but I think you're wrong." He says. "Your parents might freak at first but they'll probably get over it."

I shake my head no. "No they won't."

"You don't know that." Finally I turn to meet James' gaze.

I can tell by the way his lips are pursed together that he's mad. He's frustrated with me.

"Yes I do." I whisper the words.

He shakes his head and then it's me who's left watching him as he stares out at the park. "I get that you're scared Brett." He doesn't even know, I'm terrified. "I'm scared too. But I don't want to hide forever."

I snap my eyes shut, tears instantly blurring my vision but I refuse to cry. Instead I seal them in and fight against the sob that wants to escape me.

This is the moment when James grows tired of me. When hiding no longer has a thrill. The moment he decides he wants more and I can't give him it. I can't be what he wants. And it kills me.

But I'm also not sure how I'm supposed to go through life without him. Everything feels right when it's just James and I. He's my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. He's the cause to the majority of my smiles and the irregularity of my heart beat when he's close. He has the ability to make me forget all my fears when we're tucked away in the back of my wagon getting lost in each other.

"Please J." It's nothing more than a pleading whimper, the breath that follows ragged and weak.

"Ya know my parents are probably going to freak too." He says. "I mean my dad is the assistant pastor at my church. It's like basically a guarantee they'll freak out."

There's nothing I can say. He's probably right. The thought is disheartening. That everyone lies. Love is not unconditional. It does not come easy.

It comes with a whole lot of sacrifices and losses.

Both of which I don't feel prepared to incur.

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During all the chaos that has become my life I've let myself slip on yoga. I have officially done two back to back days of yoga and my body hurts like hell but I'm going for day three.

Also we ripped apart my closet and found the existing barn planks that are the original walls of my house which is so cool.