Becoming Brett

28. Love

I take Bethany's seat next to Cora in nutrition, not a normal thing for me to do but I need to talk to her.

She greets me with a smile, full of teeth and genuine because that's Cora. I've heard other girls talk about her before, how perfect she is. 'She's beautiful, smart, a cheerleader, she can sing and worst of all she's the nicest person ever'.

"Hey how are you?" I push my glasses up nose and clear my throat as I settle in.

Bethany's probably going to shoot daggers at me all class because she's getting stuck sitting where I always sit. By some kid named Colin that everyone thinks is weird.

He's fine. Has some weird interests but harmless. I think.

"I'm good. Not looking forward to this test." She says, tight laughter in her voice but she'll be fine.

Cora and I have been fighting it out since before time for top of the class. One of us is going to end up valedictorian and the other salutatorian. I hope she gets valedictorian, I don't want to give a speech. She actually can have both, though it's not possible. I'm going to get one and unfortunately for both of us I think I'm going to beat her.

"Yeah, this class isn't fun." I agree.

We're making small talk but I have a specific reason I'm here. Call me protective but I just want to double check.

"So you know how last year, you and Wes..." I pause trying to find the right words "...were hanging out?"

"If you're referring to the time I spent flirting with Wes only for him to not notice me, yes I do." She says and even though I know she was bummed last year when nothing came of it, she never stopped being nice to Wes. "Thanks for bringing it up."

I give her a sympathetic smile, I know what it's like to want someone that doesn't see you like that. I also know what it's like to be on the other end of it. Both sides suck from my experience.

"Yeah that. Sorry." 

Cora loves to wear soft colors, colors that pop but compliment her dark skin. The only time she doesn't is when she's in her cheerleading uniform, now for instance, but even then it seems like the colors were picked specifically for Cora. Or maybe she's just one of those lucky people who always look good regardless.

"It's fine, really." There's that kind smile again. "Wasn't meant to be, I guess."

A groan, loud and obnoxious comes from the front of the classroom where students filter in, everyone taking their seats, milling about, finishing conversation just to start new ones only to have them interrupted by the teacher. But it's Bethany who groans, her head tipped back, dramatic and over the top.

I am so glad nothing ever stuck with her and Wes.

Bethany doesn't say anything but she stomps past us to my normal seat, asking someone as she passes if they'll switch. They won't.

"Right." I confirm her statement.

Wes and Cora definitely aren't meant to be now that Laurel's around. Wes sees Laurel in a way he never did Cora.

"So basically, you know Laurel?" She nods her head, brown eyes dancing between mine as she waits for me to continue. "Wes really likes her."

There it is, the slow inhale, her chest rising, nostrils flaring slightly. The breath gets lodged before she smiles and releases it.

"I'm just saying, I know things sucked and you really liked him." I don't actually know what I'm saying, blundering through this makeshift request like an idiot.

Her smile doesn't completely reach her eyes like it normally does. I wouldn't say regret floods me but guilt does, maybe.

"And what do you think I'm going to do Brett?" Cora asks, the slightest edge to her voice, defending herself. "Try and stop him from liking someone?"

"No." I mutter. "I just know you liked him a lot and..." I can't hold her gaze when I say it. "And I know what it's like to see the person you like with someone else."

Even this small admission to Cora makes me feel too exposed. Like she'll connect the dots and know my secrets. It makes my stomach flip and heat to creep up my neck until my gray T-shirt seems like a wool turtleneck hell bent on suffocating me.

But then Cora's hand finds mine beneath the table, her fingers lacing with mine and she squeezes.

"You know, you can't save him from everything right?"

I know. But I love him. And I can try.

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"Hey kid, how was school?" My dad asks, stepping into my room.

He takes a seat on the edge of my bed, the comforter wrinkling under his weight Ashe checks my corners. He's still dressed in his suit though he's loosened his tie and discarded his dress shoes.

I've already spun in my chair to give him my attention, an essay partially constructed behind me. And behind that, the website to the University of Washington.

"It was good. Nothing too crazy going on." I tell him.

He smiles, pride filling his eyes. A battle rages inside me because as much as I want to feel relief and my own sense of pride at my accomplishments, I can't. Not with my secret looming over my head and my dad sitting on my bed thinking that I'm the perfect the son.

"I wanted to thank you for the other night." He says but I can't bring myself to think of anything that I did out of the ordinary. "Your mom hates when Uncle Chris starts talking politics."

Swallowing hard, I try not to divert my eyes. He'll know I'm lying if I do.

"Yeah. No problem." I force a smile.

He clears his throat and I shift uncomfortably in my chair waiting for his dismissal. This is all that we have become. Short conversations, approval as long as I continue to uphold his standards and fear of what will happen when I no longer do.

I watch his dress pants relax, the fabric no longer straining over his bent knees as he stands. His hand lands heavy on my shoulder, fingertips squeezing as he says he loves me.

And as always I tell him "I love you too" back.

                            —————————

I need a vacation where there's no distractions and I can just write.

I'm about to go freeze my ass off at a soccer game 😒 it was nice knowing you.