Becoming Brett

44. Ground Zero

I have never been so nervous about going to school. But everything is off. Grace drives Wes and I, which has messed up Wes' routine. He's trying to hide the fact that my being at his house is definitely screwing with him. He started his morning routine over a good five times.

I keep apologizing and he just keeps pretending that it's not even though his tics give him away.

Wes let me borrow clothes, clothes I don't normally wear and I feel awkward in them. Like I'm trying to be someone else and it makes me feel even more insecure than I already am.

Doesn't help that I'll see James. I'm not sure how to tell him what happened. Part of me wants to just pretend like it didn't happen, like I didn't blow up my life.

Wes had offered his phone more than once. But I just couldn't bring myself to call him. And even now as Wes tics, his hand slapping his chest before he clicks, he lets me know that James is headed our way. Or more specifically James, Savannah and Ellie.

"No worries." He says. "I won't say anything."

We've also already talked about now. If I'm going to tell everyone. I'm still undecided.

I keep my focus anywhere but the direction James is coming from. My heart slams in my chest, an uneasy pit opening in my stomach. I wonder if it's just one giant ulcer from all this stress.

And then I feel James' presence more than I see it because I'm definitely still avoiding him.

"What happened to you last night?" James whispers below the roar of the students in the hallway. "You left all my texts on read."

"Not right now." I hush him, not ready to have this conversation with everyone right here.

"Really?" His voice raises gaining the attention of Wes.

His eyes lock with mine and for the first time since I've come out I feel relief that someone knows. I can tell as soon as we look at one another he understands what's going on.

"Hey." Wes cycles through his normal tics. "So what about this party?" He announces louder than normal to gain Savannah and Ellie's attention at once.

They bite, both girls focus solely on Wes as he starts down the hallway along with the rest of our peers. The girls follow, Savannah grabbing Wes' hand as he whistles, Ellie tucking herself under his other arm. Dangerous when it comes to Wes' one side but she's never been afraid.

"What's going on?" James presses.

I keep my back glued to the locker like maybe it'll give me support as I watch the thinning crowds. Everyone going on about their business like the mindless herd of sheep they are.

James has his head bent low, his shoulders hunched as he closes the distance between us. I'm still not confident in the words, like if I say that I'm gay and the wrong person hears-.

That's crazy right?

"Brett." It's demanding, the way he says my name.

"I-I came out." I whisper the words so quiet, so unsure of them, I'm surprised James even hears.

He leans closer to me, trying desperately to catch my eyes but I still feel disgusting, wrong. Coming out didn't cure that for me.