Becoming Brett

34. Questions

I bite into a piece of pizza as Ellie says "we should all go".

And as soon as she says it James, Wes and I all start murmuring our excuses as to why we can't go with Savannah and her to an art exhibit.

James and I both have lies to feed the group. Wes just doesn't want to go.

James is the first to clearly give an answer. "Busy, Peter's in town."

I clear my throat, forcing the pizza down as I say "family stuff again".

But as I say it Wes looks at me, his hazel eyes full of questions because I've been using my family as an excuse a lot. A lot more than normal because I've been trying to make more time for James. Keep him satisfied with our secret relationship so I can maintain my status quo.

I breathe a breath of relief when Laurel nudges Wes and asks "what about you Wes?".

He tics. "I don't have plans."

And then he tics again, pizza and plate sliding from his lap and to the hardwood floor he's sitting on so he can be close to Laurel. Ellie stole his spot when he got up for pizza and even though there's room on another couch he chose to sit at Laurel's feet on the floor.

I pass my napkin to James who hands it to Laurel to pass to Wes. He wipes up the mess within seconds and the conversation resumes.

"Do you and Laurel want to come with us then?" Ellie asks.

I've noticed that Laurel and Wes are starting to develop their own way of silent communication. I know it's wrong but jealousy starts to eat away at me. It's hard, trying to dispose of feelings of more than friends with Wes, even if it's necessary. Besides, I can feel James trying his hardest to catch my attention by staring at me and as badly as I want to give in I don't. I don't need Laurel noticing.

She knows, I swear. Why she hasn't called us out beats me. It's got me living with a pit in my stomach that never seems to let up and anxious sweats anytime I talk to James in public. Like I might be giving us away.

I vaguely hear Wes and Laurel make spontaneous plans. Well spontaneous for Wes anyway. My thoughts however have been drifting from dinner at my uncles the other night to tomorrow's secret plans with James.

I can't help but wonder what it'd be like to not be hiding. What if I was forced to show my differences, what if I couldn't hide behind lies and denial.

Would I feel more confident like Gerry? Or would everything I'm afraid of tear me down until there wasn't anything left of me?

Every option scares me.

Ellie smacks her hands together causing me to jump in my skin and as I come back from where my thoughts had taken me my eyes meet James'. Clear pools of steel gray, his eyebrow cocked just slightly as he silently questions me. My heart thumps loudly in my chest as my mind screams at me "you're a fox!".

"Okay here's the deal." She announces. "Next time Darren invites us all to a party we are going. Got it."

She points her finger at each of us, eyes narrowing a little more as she hovers over Wes and I. We are the two problems, the two against going. Me mostly because I just have no desire to go to party where Sawyer no doubt will be the center focus. Sometimes I just can't with that guy.

I know too much that it makes hating him difficult but I really don't like him.

And Wes doesn't want to go because he's Wes and that's out of his norm which will make his tics bad and at some point his anxiety will spike because of his OCD. It's just easier if we stay home.

"I don't know Ellie." Wes says as he tics. "Parties, fuck, are hard."

Laurel's watching him, I can see her just past James. Strawberry blond hair falling over her shoulders, her arms folded across her chest, her empty plate on her lap. It's weird how often she holds herself like this, her hands tucked under her arms, closed off and guarded.

"Well how about I tell Darren to make sure Peter's home?" James offers.

His proposition shifts my focus and I study him from where he sits. He has a green T-shirt on, one I've had the pleasure of taking off him before and the memory of doing so makes heat rush through my body.

Wes looks at him before he switches to me. I wish I could say my answer was still no, but it's not because I still firmly believe Peter is my answer to Darren. And I want to know Darren's secrets. So I remain impassive even though I know Wes is looking for me to give him an out.

He cycles through his normal tics and then mumbles "maybe" rather reluctantly.

"We should do at least one party." Savannah adds.

"Speak for yourself, I've done parties." James says and he holds his knuckles out toward Laurel.

She bumps hers to his like they've been partying together and it's known knowledge. It's just another question to add to the list that is Laurel. Like who was she before she was here. Because I swear she's got two different sides to her and it'd be nice to know which one is real.

"So it's settled. You and Wes aren't allowed to sit out." Ellie says matter of factly, mischief dancing in her eyes. "It'll be fun, especially with all of us there."

I also want to know why Ellie and Savannah want to go to one of these parties so bad. They've brought it up every time one was been announced. Which is fine, except they've never had interest before.

Our close knit group seems to be developing secrets. A lot of them. Ones we aren't sharing.

And I'm not looking forward to when they start to unravel.

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