Becoming Brett

40. Definitely

James is the one to break our kiss, my chest is heaving as I go to try and pull him back to me.

A laugh rumbles in his chest as he ignores my pulling. "Are you sure you don't just want to tell Savannah, give Wes sometime to get through whatever is going on?"

Even though he's the one that stopped our kissing I'm the one that puts physical distance between us, slipping out from where he's got me pinned against the wall in the doorway of the production room.

"J.." I blow out a breath.

"I know, I know. But you know Savannah's not going to care right?" He says.

Maybe she wouldn't care of it was anyone other than James and I. But he's her brother and she's in love with me. We're a triangle. And triangles are never not messy.

"I want to tell Wes." I snap.

My heart is still galloping in my chest but not from excitement and lust. From fear.

"I just.."

"James." I bark his name, a little panicky as I meet his gray eyes.

I have no intention of telling Wes. Or anyone. I plan on skirting by this moment in hopes that James will drop it at some point or we leave this town and we can decide how we want to be in a new city.

"Okay." He raises his hands up in defense. "It just feels like you're not going to."

It feels like that because it's true and even though I know I shouldn't lie. I do it anyway.

"Thanks for the faith." I say sarcastically, feigning hurt even though I don't deserve it.

I stare at my shoes, the toes scuffed and dirty, the canvas faded into a dull black. My back is pressed into the cinder block wall, the coolness seeping through my T-shirt.

"Don't be like this." James says gently. "I know it's scary. But we've got each other."

He reaches for my hand and I give it to him reluctantly. I feel trapped and cornered. My fight or flight responses wanted to kick in and honestly I'm more flight than fight.

"If you want me to tell someone then it's gotta be Wes." I state, leaving out the part that I'm gonna take my time.

James forces his fingers between mine, raising our hands to his lips as he peers at me from over top.

"I just really want to tell Savannah, she's my sister." He says.

He's got a gray sweater on that fits tight, it's soft and makes me want to step closer to him even though this conversation has me terrified.

"One at a time J, please." I beg, meeting his eyes.

Maybe he sees the fear that's coursing in me. That the mere thought of telling anyone, even Wes, brings me to my knees. I don't want to. The closet I've built is safe, lonely and depressing but safe.

"Come here." His voice is low, quiet as he pulls me back to him.

I let him, letting myself fold into him in the quiet sanctuary of the deserted hallway. Listening to the steady rhythm of his heart, the way his arms feel wrapped tight around me.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

                           —————————

Wes climbs in my car after school, fussing with dials as I start it up.

"So where was Laurel?" I ask, she's been gone the past two days.