searching the stars // h.s.

08

"how have you been?" louis wraps his arms around me and squeezes as tight as possible.

"good." i mumble into his shoulder. i'm not the type of person that likes hugs but his hugs are ones that you can't decline.

"come sit down, i've missed you." he steps to the side so i can come into his house and i walk to the living room, sitting on the sofa.

"i've missed you too. we never talk anymore."

it's a true statement. louis and i haven't spoken since before i got back. when, him and harry called it quits.

"well stop by more often then. the door is always open for you." he jokes and i laugh softly, pulling my phone out of my pocket.

i subconsciously check it, not expecting any messages but seeing four new messages.

mikey:
has anyone talked to
maryah? she hasn't been
posting.

cal:
i asked madison.
apparently maryah hasn't
talked to her either.

luke:
get heather to ask. maybe
she'll know.

mikey:
stop mentioning her.

i roll my eyes at the messages when louis speaks.

"what's wrong?"

"nothing." i lie, in all reality, everything was wrong. i haven't been eating. i haven't been sleeping. i've barely been showering, and it took everything in me to get out of bed today.

"just making sure." he sighs and i smile softly.

before i can respond, my phone buzzes again and i look down to see a private message from calum.

cal:
maryah can you please
answer us. we just want
to see if you're okay.
it's been a few days.

if you think about it, he still hasn't even properly apologized.

"are you sure that you're okay?" louis asks again, seeking reassurance and i shrug.

"it's calum and them." i sigh. "they're mentioning how i haven't been active at all."

"well that's your choice. they shouldn't be worrying about you, especially after what calum did." louis shakes his head and i nod.

he's right.

i don't owe them shit. luke and ashton tried to lie to me like calum was, and michael got upset that i talked to harry.

in what world am i the bad guy?

maybe i should have told michael that i talked to harry but it had slipped my mind.

maybe i should have given calum what he wanted and he wouldn't have cheated.

maybe i should have talked to luke and ashton more often and we would have been closer.

maybe i am the bad guy.

maybe i do owe them apologies.

before i can think any further, my phone buzzes again and shows a message from michael.

mikey:
i miss you. i'm so sorry.

i suck in a deep breath before grabbing my phone and responding.

me:
it wasn't your fault.

i might not be friends with him anymore, but i don't want him blaming himself. he doesn't deserve to feel like that.

mikey:
i'm still sorry.

i roll my eyes and bite the inside of my cheek. if he was really sorry then he wouldn't have blown up on me like he did.

me:
right.

"hey louis," i break the silence filling the room. "how about we hang out tomorrow?"

"you and i?" louis asks, looking over to me and i nod, smiling.

"yeah. just the two of us."

"alright." he smiles and i automatically feel a lot better.

before i can respond my phone buzzes again and i huff, assuming it's one of the boys again. i roll my eyes and look down at my phone screen to see a message from harry.

hazza:
are you busy tomorrow?

weird. he never asks to hang out unless something big has happened and he wants to drop some news on me.

me:
i'm actually going
out with lou tomorrow
night.

hazza:
oh.

me:
you can come if you
want. i'm sure lou wouldn't
mind.

hazza:
i'm actually busy as well.

me:
i bet.

how do i manage to push everyone away? i didn't do anything wrong, did i?

i close my eyes and try to breathe, holding back tears.

why would he ask to hang out if he was just going to say that he's busy?

did i miss something?

god, i miss jasper.

i need to get so wasted that i forget my own identity.