B R E A T H E

h a b i t s

i woke up to the sound of your lips whispering against my neck last night

i was trembling until dawn under the weight of your ghost

as soon as i woke, i looked up your name on the search engine and found a page full of your musings or whatever the shit that was

they were terrible, they made me want to choke on my puke

you are the last person to talk about joy, you hate being happy

you hated it so much that you ripped us apart only because i made you want to smile

i wanted to report all of them

you're plagiarizing my love, my sorrow and stamping your name under it as if i am the one who broke you

i spat my morning coffee after reading them. the taste reminded me too much of your tongue inside my mouth

hot and bitter but so fucking addicting

people commented under your quotes, praising your work, empathizing with your pain

i wanted to scream at them and tell them you're a fraud

i know how empty your words can be

how false your promises are

the world doesn't know you like i do

it doesn't know how much you hate it and if given the chance, you would wipe all of humanity in one blink

no, that's not true, you won't even blink

i thought your pessimist could complete the hopeless optimist inside of me

i thought we could give each other the pieces of ourselves that we were missing since we were evicted out of the womb, i was wrong

you had all the pieces you needed but you kept disassembling me anyway

it reminded me of the time when we were kids and my brother would purposely stomp on ants just to see them twitch

it gave him the kind of high his joints still can't

i sometimes hear his shoes thumping even now

old habits die hard

i wonder if it's the same for you

i wonder if there's someone else in your bed, under the sheets, with her knees touching your thighs

i wonder if you insisted on keeping the lights off

i wonder if you're playing songs from the playlist i made for you

i wonder... i wonder...
it's been seven months since i left you but you keep coming back to me smelling like dead sunflowers

last night, you told me you missed me
i almost said it back, almost kissed you.

you haunted me back then

you haunt me now

old habits die hard or so I've heard.