When the Party's Over

September 5

Hey D,

School starts tomorrow! I don't know why but I'm actually really excited! I know, lame right? Like, who's ever excited for school? Just the nerdy kids probably, so I guess that makes me one now too. But I don't think I'm really excited about all the school stuff, like the work. I just wanna see all my friends again.

I have a goal this year. I wanna hang out more with my friends outside of school. I want us to go out for dinners when it's one of our birthdays, and I want to exchange gifts with them for Christmas, like those secret Santa's. I want us to be closer, not just school friends. I only have one friend like that who I actually hang out with outside of school, her names Hayley. But the thing is I met her outside of school anyways, she lives across the street from me. I really like hanging out with her, we met when we were like five or six or something. I wish me and my other friends at school were close like that. Maybe I just have to put more effort in and be the one to plan things with them. Yeah, I think I'm gonna try that.

I have a lot of goals this year for school. You wanna hear them? Ok, but just cause you insisted. I'll just make a list, it's faster.

#1: Stop judging people.
#2: Become closer with my school friends.
#3: Get better grades.
#4: Start a real relationship.
#5: Put last year behind me.
#6: Stop caring what others think about me.
#7: Figure out what I want to do as a career.
#8: Be more happy, find things that make me happy.

I've already talked about #1 with you, I really gotta stop judging people, it's just a waste of time. I've already talked about #2 as well. But for #3, I really should start doing better in my classes. Last year I got mostly 60% and 70%, but I wanna get 80% or 90% this year, so I really gotta start working on that. I've heard that colleges start looking at your grades for grade eleven once you apply, so I gotta make sure I'm really up there. I don't really know what I wanna do as like a career job in the future, but I really hope I figure that out soon. I've always liked to write, so maybe I'll look into something like that? I don't know. I like art too, so maybe something with that as well.

#4, I really want to get a boyfriend this year. I feel left out sometimes, cause I'll see couples walking through the hall and some of my school friends have had relationships already, I want one too. Even Hayley has been in relationships, and she's a year younger than me. But I'm not that good with guys, I'm just awkward around them, like I don't know what to say. God I'm a loser when it comes to guys. I just need to stop being so nervous and just walk up to them and start talking. Like, they're just people, I act like they are some kind of rare species that I have to be weary around or they'll just run away, like deer when you spook them. One wrong move and they'll just think I'm weird and won't talk to me ever again. That is, if they don't already think I'm weird. I bet they do, I mean, they saw me last year, they knew what I was like, everyone does. I just hope they all forget about last year, I just want to forget about it and leave it in the past. But I get the sense that nobodies gonna forget.

There's this one guy I actually have had a thing for for awhile. Ever since grade nine. His names Matt. He went to my middle school too, but we didn't talk then. But in grade nine we had a few classes together, and then one day we just started talking. He asked for my number and then we just went on texting like everyday. And we were even walking home together at a point. I thought that was gonna be my first real relationship, I really liked him. My stomach did flips every time I saw him in the halls, whenever my phone lit up with a text from him, and a smile spread across my face. The walk home went by too fast, I wanted it to last longer, I liked talking to him, we just seemed to have a lot in common. But then one day came, and everything just, stopped. We didn't talk in class, didn't text, didn't walk home anymore. I don't know why, was it something I did or said? I don't know, and still to this day I don't know what happened. I've tried texting him since then, just saying like 'hey, long time no talk' or something dumb like that, but still, nothing. Sure, he'll text back and we'll talk for like a day, but then it just stops right there, it doesn't continue, not like before. I don't know why, but I really want to. I just want to ask him what happened, but I think I'm scared to know the answer. This was before everything happened last year with my dad, so it's not like he stopped talking to me when I had my meltdown, this all happened the year before in grade nine. I just want to talk to him again.

I'll skip to #6, cause I don't wanna talk about #5 yet. It's just kinda embarrassing I guess. I'm just sick of thinking about it. So because of last year, I think I just care too much about what others think. I should stop that. Cause there will be times in school where it effects me so much. I don't like walking in front of the class, cause I don't want all eyes to be on me. I don't like answering questions in class, cause the focus is just back on me again. And I hate when they call me to the office or guidance counsellor, everyone just stares at me like I'm crazy. Last year they called me to the guidance counsellor at least once a week, just cause they knew I wouldn't go there voluntarily, I had to be ordered there. God I hated that. They literally made time in my schedule for me to meet with the guidance counsellor, like it was one of my courses or something I had to take. I cared a lot about what others thought of me, I think that's why I had so many meltdowns. I've never really had bad anxiety before, since last year. I mean, sure, I'd get nervous when I had to present in front of the class or when I had a test or something, but never to the point where I'd get sick or felt like I couldn't breathe and just panicked. That all came last year, like out of the blue. That's one of the reasons my mom gave you to me D, so I could write everything going on in my head. I guess writing in you does help a bit, and my mom got me this spray as well, it's called Rescue Remedy, she got it at some type of health store and it helps when I'm having a panic attack or something. I think it just has a bunch of flower oils or something in it, and I spray two squirts on my tongue and it instantly helps me relax. It's a lifesaver.

I feel like I've been doing better since last year though. I feel like I'm not so sad as I used to be, I'm getting better. And this year is the time I'm really gonna switch everything around. I don't wanna be the same girl I was last year, I want to be someone new. The new and improved me. I want to show everyone I've healed or whatever and moved on from last year, and I want to prove it to myself too. I can't explain it D, but I have this strange feeling that this is my year. This school year is gonna be different, it's gonna be better. It's like a strange swirling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think this year, I'm going to finally be happy once again. I really hope so.