When the Party's Over

September 11

Hey D,

Omg! Omg guess what D! My friends and I finally hung out! Like, outside of school!!! Yes! Maybe I'll finally have a big group of friends that do things together all the time and are always hanging out at each other's houses. I really hope so.

So, it's Sunday and yesterday we all hung out at the mall! On Friday we were texting and we planned to hang out at Polo Park the next day, so Jacklyn picked us all up! She's the only one in our group who has their full license. I still have my beginners, and everyone else does too. I wish I had my full license, but I'm scared to take the test. I already took it once, it was a little after my dad died and I freaked out and panicked at a boulevard turn and I failed. It was an automatic fail and the driving tester guy shouted 'stop stop stop!' really loud and when I put my foot on the brake he jammed my car into park. That was the scariest moment ever! I literally started crying on the spot I was so freaked out. He was too I guess. And since then I haven't gone for another test, that was too traumatizing! My mom keeps saying I need to rebook my test, but I don't want to! Doesn't she understand how scary it is?!

Ok, let's get off the subject of driving, just thinking about it makes me nervous. That's why I used to like driving with Dad, it was like he just took those nerves away instantly.

So back to me and my friends. So Jacklyn picked us all up in her parents mini van. I almost laughed when she pulled up. Who the hell drives a mini van? But whatever, a rides a ride. So we scoped the whole mall within hours, tried things on and showed each other, laughed and joked around a lot, and then we ate supper there. I got some really cute clothes too! Well, most of them are hoodies, I like live in hoodies! My go-to outfit is always Lulu Lemon tights and hoodies, and then I usually don't do anything with my hair, I just let it do it's own thing. I have pretty light and straight hair already so it usually just hangs there, but sometimes it has a slight wave or curl to it cause I sleep on it funny so it looks real good.

I got a new pair of Lulu Lemon tights too! But instead of just the black pair like I wear all the time, they're like a burgundy which look so good! I love them! I can't wait to wear them on Monday!

All my friends bought some real cute clothes too, but mine are better! I doubt they think that cause I literally look like I'm wearing the same thing all the time, but I like wearing my tights and hoodies. And one of the best things about the hoodies is that I don't have to wear a bra underneath! I mean, I don't have big boobs anyways, if I don't wear a bra I look flat chested, but whatever, I honestly don't care. I just like to be comfy.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Yesterday was kinda weird during a point cause we saw some kids from school in the mall. I mean, usually it's fine, whatever, we just pass them as if they aren't even there. But these were the popular kids, I really don't like them D. It was a group of guys, all on the hockey team I think, they act like they just own the school or something. And of course they were goofing around and acting dumb like usual. Can't they grow up? But it wasn't just that that made them weird. It was like as if they caught a glimpse of us, they just all quieted down and stared. Not like intensely, but for way too long. I don't know, it was just weird. Matt wasn't there, but it was some of his friends, and I can't help but think they were staring at me. I mean, they all know we used to talk and everything, I've heard them say my name a few times in the hall when they're in their little groups. Like their gossiping or whatever. I don't know why, it's kinda creepy sometimes. And I don't know why I'm creeped out, it's just a feeling I get in my stomach.

Is that why they talk about me, because of Matt? Does Matt maybe still like me? Has he always liked me and just been too nervous to say anything? But then why stop talking to me? Is he just awkward with girls? But he didn't seem that awkward when we walked home or texted almost everyday. So what's up? Why do they keep talking about me?

I don't know, maybe they still think I'm weird and a freak from last year. Maybe they all remember my meltdowns after all. Maybe they think I'm mental or something. I wish I wasn't so nervous around them, cause then I'd just walk straight up to them and ask what's up. But I can't do that D. I guess I'm just not that bold.

All my friends thought those looks they gave us were weird too. And they all thought they were looking at me too. But whatever, maybe it was nothing? I hope so. I'm probably just thinking too much into it. I mean, why would they be talking about me? I'm just a random girl in their grade, there's literally nothing special about me. Nothing at all. I'm just another face in the hallway. I think way too much sometimes D. I think into things that aren't even there sometimes. Like I'm trying to dissect every little thing someone says to me or does. I'm just dumb sometimes. I just need to chill out.

Ok, back to my friends, on a happy note. I really hope we get to hang out more soon! We've been texting already this morning and that's totally new for us! I can't wait to see them tomorrow at school! Oh! And today I'm gonna hang out with Hayley so that's gonna be fun as well! Can't wait! Ok, see ya!