When the Party's Over

September 18

Hey D,

Shit, god I'm awful at this thing. I swear, consistency and me don't mix. Like, ever. But whatever, you don't mind right D?

I've just been real busy lately. The first month of school there's always so much going on. And this year I'm not trying to slack off or anything, I'm really trying to get my grades up. I know, what a loser right? But if I wanna get into a good college or whatever in a few years, I gotta have good grades. I don't really know what I wanna do, but if I have good grades I could pretty much get into any school I want I think. At least the ones I'm looking at. So I gotta stay focused. But not too focused, I still wanna have fun and have a life!

I'm happy to say I think I've already met one of my goals for this year! Me and my friends are really close now! We literally talk all the time, we text everyday even when we aren't in school or in the same classes. And we went out for Cass's birthday a few days ago! We went to Smitty's for wing night, not too fancy or whatever but I'm just glad we finally went out for dinner as a group! And we all posted it on our stories on Snapchat so we're finally those people! The ones I've always been jealous of. Yay! I'm so happy!

I've been doing pretty well in school recently too! The other day we had our first test in math, it wasn't really a full unit test, just a little quiz. But I still got 93%! Yes! So far so good, let's keep it that way! And I really like all my teachers this year. Well, for this semester anyways. Especially my math teacher. She's really nice and I like that I can sit with her during quizzes and tests and she helps me a bit. Like she'll look at the work I'm doing and if I'm doing something wrong she just nudges me to look over the question again. So she doesn't really give me the answer or anything, but she helps me along which is really nice. I don't think I'd get the marks I'm getting without her!

I keep hearing announcements for some clubs starting up and sports teams and I can't believe I'm actually saying this or even thinking it, but I'm thinking about joining some. I've never really been big into sports or school clubs, but they kinda seem fun and appealing to me now. I don't know, I'm still thinking about it. But I joined choir the other day and so did Cass so that's something new! We're gonna have choir concerts and this year we're going to Banff for a music festival so that's gonna be really fun! I'm so excited! Mom's going to help me pay for it and I'm gonna pay too, I've been saving my money from work and I've been trying to spend as little as possible. Well, I did go out shopping a few weeks ago with my friends so that made a small dent, but nothing big. Man I'm so excited for the trip!

Ok, I guess I've gotten through the happy and exciting stuff, I'll move onto the sour stuff now. I guess I don't have to, it's kinda weird, but I want to share like everything with you D. I feel like if I'm gonna be writing in a journal I should say everything that comes to my mind and everything that's going on in my life, including some bad stuff. Well, I guess it's not really bad, it's just kinda weird.

So, I'm really not a fan of the popular guys in my grade, as you know. But they've been really weird around me lately. Like the way they all looked at me at the mall a few weeks ago, and now at school they stare at me when I walk past the grade twelve bench they sit on, and sometimes a few of them say things to me when they pass me in class. I don't know why, like, what's up with them? What's going on? Are there rumours going around about me or something? Why are they interested in me all of a sudden? It's kinda flattering if I'm being honest D, I've never really had a boyfriend, or any attention from guys either. That's why I liked Matt so much, he was nice to me and we had things in common and he really seemed to take an interest in me. Like, for once a guy really paid attention to me, and I liked that a lot. But it seems like since then all his friends on the hockey team have been paying attention to me. Since all this has happened in the past weeks, I'm now coming to realize they did pay attention to me last year too. Not as much as this year so far, but they still said hi to me a few times and looked at me in the halls, but I just thought it was because of my meltdowns last year. K, seriously D, am I just going crazy? Is all of this just in my head? Am I just making up stuff? Am I being paranoid? Am I thinking too much into it like in the past? I just want to know what's going on.

I think I know what you're thinking. Yes, I am thinking too much into it. I think all this stuff is in my head. Sometimes their stares just make me so nervous that I have to go to the bathroom and use that remedy spray to help myself relax and calm down. I don't want to feel like this anymore. When I see them in the halls I stick close to my friends and try to ignore them, and so far that's helped a bit. I guess I just really have to try hard and ignore them. Maybe they're just being nice. Maybe I just expect the worst sometimes, I need to stop thinking that. They aren't bad, they're literally just boys in my grade. Everyone likes them, it's not like they're saying rude things to me or anything. Maybe they just like me. I don't know, but I just need to calm down. I'm just overreacting and exaggerating I bet.

Thanks for the talk D, I really needed to unload all of that. Ok, that's it for today. See ya later D! :)