Healing Hearts (bxb)

Chapter 18 - Ending the world alone

The next few days were complete shit. So shit, I would have rather gotten beaten by a bible and faced my mother than this. After my fight with my friends, they didn't really talk to me. Neither did Kenneth. The only difference was, that he didn't glare at me like I killed one of our friends. Brian also didn't seem angry, but almost a little scared. He should feel safe with his friends and I snapped at him because I was an idiot who deserved the worst. 

Leah and Eric seemed pissed, but not like they hated me. They just waited for me to come and apologize and I guess then everything would be fine again, but I didn't feel like I deserved that much from them, nor was I ready to act like I was better, because I wasn't. I still had no idea why all of this was getting to me, but then again, I did basically lose Kenneth and in here, I needed somebody like him more than air. 

Wendy still talked to me, but I told her to rather hang out with the others, because I was a real buzz kill these past few days. Just when we were in our room we talked, but never about what she knew. Never about what I truly felt, because we both knew I wasn't ready to face that topic yet. I didn't know if the fact that Kenneth obviously just saw me as a buddy or my feelings for him maybe being romantic and through him not returning them I felt crushed, or if it was simply the fact, that I had thought we were more than a regular pair of friends, that he truly liked me for me and wanted to deepen our connection, just as friends, but still more than with others, was the thing bugging me.  

Around Kenneth, I had always felt safe. It wasn't weird that we held hands or hugged and he didn't seem weirded out. And he never made a move, well expect for when he fooled around, but other than that, he just held me, almost like a brother or a parent and that was all fake? He didn't really understand me and wanted us to have this kind of relationship, that wasn't romantic nor was it friendly? 

I didn't understand, if he had played me or if I had played myself. Neither was making me feel better and I just needed a bit to get over the fact, that I was now alone again, completely and utterly alone, not even with weed to help me get through this because the bit I had left was useless without fire and something to smoke it in, but once I would get over it, I would join them again, acting all sassy and happy, even though I may be a little broken inside. 

It was like I had lost the one person that ever truly cared for me and understood me. Even though it was all fake. Sure I had my cousin, but the time we actually had some sort of connection was cut down to a few minutes, before their departure to London, when we both understood who the other truly was. Now, he was on the other side of the world, with little to no contact and so, I was alone with myself again, but even I didn't like myself. Wendy did and I loved her, but even she didn't know all about me. She tried to understand me and be there for me, but truth was, I never let her in. With Kenneth it was easy, letting him see who I truly was, but with others I had never done that. 

Now I sat alone, again, at breakfast, having my own table in the corner of the room and no appetite whatsoever. I glanced over at my friends, who were just having a conversation, that seemed to be amusing, but all of them, even Leah and Eric, glanced over at me, their laughter dying down, as they wished for me to just get over myself and apologize, so we could be friends again and Wendy even patted the place next to her, silently asking me to come over there as they all missed me, but I politely shook my head, giving her a smile. She knew I wasn't ready, but she told me if I was just honest with them, they would understand and not pressure me. 

But I didn't want to be honest. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I just wanted to be happy again, I wanted to have Kenneth again. But he only looked at me, neither smiling nor sad, but there was a hint of worry and even confusion in his eyes. His face seemed cold, but I could see behind his mask. Or could I? Was all of that also just a lie I told myself to feel better? Maybe it was an unconscious coping mechanism. To interpret so much into one person, that they became your anchor, even though they didn't even know you.