Healing Hearts (bxb)

Chapter 31 - Kenneth the Great

I looked at Kenneth, the frown on my face bigger than my ego. He stared at the ground, as if that sentence alone would send me away forever and would leave him alone and with a broken heart. He gulped, obviously very nervous and I sat there, trying to digest the word and read between the lines. But I knew Kenneth. I knew him and he was a good person. Did he think he deserved to go here, because he had sex with more boys than a catholic priest? Or did he at one point think homosexuality was truly a sin? But from his stories, from what he had told me, he never believed that and always knew it was ok to be who he was. So there had to be something else. 

"What do you mean you deserved it?" I asked carefully, but letting the very clear confusion I felt shine through. But Kenneth just kept staring at the ground of the forest ahead of us, his hands clasped together tightly, as he must have remembered something he was pressing down and trying to forget everyday of his life. Normally, we told each other everything. We were two open books, but only for each other, so it did confuse me that there apparently was a side to Kenneth I didn't know about. But it didn't scare me, at all, so of course I stayed, patiently waiting for his answer. 

"I deserve to be here because...I did something bad. I am a bad person. Like a really bad one. And if I tell you...if I tell anybody, they are going to hate me a-and I don't want to lose you, but I will when you hear this story...please Tommy. Don't make me tell you" he begged and I frowned concerned, as I stroke over his arm, which made him shift uncomfortably away from me. He was serious...he really thought whatever he did made him less love worthy, at least for me? But then he clearly didn't understand love and especially my love for him. So I scooted closer, even if he had to take a shaky breath at that, since he really thought he didn't deserve my touch. 

"Kenneth...Kenneth look at me" I demanded gently, but Kenneth didn't and so I took both of his hands, making him look at me. He had tears glistering in his eyes. And what I saw was fear. And regret. And that's why I knew I shouldn't be scared for this story he was bottling up and apparently had never ever told anybody before. I held his hands and waited until he was looking me in the eyes. I waited, patiently until he found the strength and what he was met with, was my calm exterior with a small smile, that should encourage him to keep looking at me. 

"Kenneth I love you. And love isn't limited. It doesn't go from here to there but not further. We are a couple and I do not know a lot of shit about that, but it doesn't matter how others do it, because we are us and I want to be in this with you. Even if its scary. Even if its painful. My love for you isn't limited and it never will be. Well expect if you cheat, then we will see if I love you enough not to run you over with my porsche. You can trust me and I promise you won't lose me" I said and Kenneth shook his head at the last part, not wanting to believe it yet. 

"No....I will when you know what I did...I am not a good person Tommy and you deserve so much better than me, I can promise you that and still I am selfish enough to accept your love" he said and I could see some tears in his eyes. I took his hands and pressed them against my chest, where my heart was beating, before I said "But take it Kenneth! I love you and I want you and that won't change because of what you did, ok? I am not a great person either, so we are pretty much stuck together. And I mean, as long as you didn't kill anyone" I chuckled to brighten the mood, but Kenneth didn't laugh. 

In fact, he closed his eyes at that, as if the words I had spoken were too painfully true to hear in that moment and yup, now I was scared. I stared at Kenneth, my loving boyfriend who risked his life more than once for me...he...no, right? "Don't tell me you actually killed somebody?" I asked, still very much in disbelieve because...murder? Naha, no. Maybe...maybe with self defense or...no! But Kenneth opened his eyes, a tear rolling down his cheek, as he pressed his lips together, taking a shaky breath.