Learning What Real Guys Are like

Lesson 14: Learning to Forgive

“Oh sure, that’s easy for YOU to say, Ghandi! Your boyriend never got drunk while out with the guys & raw-dogged some rando tramp he met in the backseat of YOUR minivan in the Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot!”

Okay, okay, okay. Let me just say, I have a lot of friends who’ve been cheated on. I tend to get mad on their behalf. Maybe you could hear that coming through. I have a friend who says, “I forgave him for cheating,” but still rants about the incident in question, how much it hurt her, & how angry she continues to be.

Here’s the deal. If you tell a man you FORGIVE him, then you need to let it go. You can’t keep bringing it up every time you get in an argument. It’s not fair.

What Is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a deliberate decision to let go of resentment, vengeance, & anger. It is an opportunity to free yourself from pain — to heal & move forward, rather than getting stuck in the past.

In other words, forgiveness is as beneficial to YOU as it is to your man.

& it goes both ways; one day you may be the one who seeks forgiveness.

This is one reason it’s so important to make sure that when it comes to forgiveness & disagreements, the entire truth comes out. Because often problems—for example, cheating, lying about finances, shutting down emotionally—are symptoms of larger problems. You & your partner both need to be on board when it comes to working through problems.

You need to think long & hard about whether or not you’re going to forgive him & what forgiveness really means to the both of you. Does he feel that your forgiveness is a “pass,” & he’ll screw up & do the same thing a year from now? Or does he truly understand that this can’t happen ever again? Because when you tell a man you forgive him, he will BELIEVE it.

How to Forgive

Step 1 – Uncover & talk through the root problems.

 It’s unlikely you’ll be able to accomplish this in one sitting—it’s a process. So you’ll need to make time, free of kids, text messages, & emails, to work on this.

& it is work. I can tell you from personal experience, that, as a man, it’s not easy to peel away all of the defensive layers & tell my truth. Your partner needs to participate in the forgiveness process, & it will be hard for him.

Forgiveness has to be received, so if your man either a) doesn’t think he did anything wrong, or b) holds tremendous shame around his actions, then he won’t be able to truly receive your forgiveness.

What I’m saying here is, he needs to work through his own guilt (or shame or whatever) & forgive himself.

& if he’s not sincere about being sorry, you won’t be able to sincerely forgive him either.

Step 2 – Be willing to accept your role in what went wrong (if it applies).

No relationship happens in a vacuum. Which brings me to the next step.

Step 3 – Put yourself in his shoes

Most people don’t make relationship mistakes on purpose. He may deserve a second chance. I’m writing this with the consideration that you are the one who has been wronged. But one day, you will make a mistake & you will seek his forgiveness. When you decide whether or not to forgive him now, remember that eventually he’ll be in your shoes.

Step 4 – Be compassionate, but make future expectations clear.

Remember, “I’m sorry” also means “& it won’t ever happen again.” So when he says “I’m sorry,” you should say something like, “I forgive you because I believe you’re sincere & I know this won’t happen again.” Lay it out there. Make your expectation clear. This can’t happen again.

Try This Forgiveness Exercise

A quick note about this exercise. If you go through this whole program & only implement one thing, this should be it. It’s worth your time & extremely therapeutic.

Make a list of some mistakes that you haven’t forgiven yet.

Ask yourself why are you holding onto anger or resentment around this issue?

Ask yourself if you have ever forgiven someone for something like this in the past.

If the answer to the above is yes, ask yourself what was different in that situation. Why did you forgive that person specifically?

Remind yourself how it felt to forgive that person.

Ask yourself if there other disappointments or complications (career, family, finances) that you’re bringing into the mix?

Ask yourself how will it feel to forgive him?

Ask yourself what life will look & feel like when you completely let go of the anger & hurt?

OK, OK…I read all this, & I am still on the fence about whether to forgive

Forgiveness is a choice, & only you can decide whether it is ultimately the right for the situation & your relationship. Just remember that you can forgive even when you think the other person doesn’t deserve it. This is as much (or more) about YOU as it is about him. To forgive is to be free!

& with that being said, there are some cases where it is just better to NOT forgive him & instead just dump his sorry ass.

Which conveniently brings us to our next lesson.