Learning What Real Guys Are like

Lesson 16: The Myth of Prince Charming

Here’s the truth.

It’s unreasonable to expect perfection from any man. It’s unrealistic—& downright torturous—to expect any man to be perfect. When you expect to find a man who “checks all the boxes,” you will be looking for a really long time. The statistical likelihood of you finding someone who meets all of your requirements is very low. If you always view a man as lacking some qualities (aka, “missing some of the check marks,”) then he’ll never be good enough.

Beyond that, having crazy expectations means that you’ll miss out on achieving the kind of love that can endure decades. Your man will never feel comfortable revealing his feelings & flaws to you unless you free him from unreasonable expectations of perfection.

Imagine Carolyn and Harry’s relationship if he were a “perfect” man after all those years of marriage. Wouldn’t it be exhausting to keep a “perfect” man happy, while going through college beginning. medical school, & raising kids together?

I think you know the answer.

This is why you need to let go of the Perfection Lie (or at the very least, changing your definition of perfection.) No one is asking you to settle. You’re awesome & you shouldn’t settle for less than you deserve. But think about what expectations for a partner are reasonable.

Now, before I give you the steps to let go of Prince Charming (& stop expecting perfection from your man), I want to make sure that you completed the “I Like Myself” Game I talked about at the beginning.

Why?

Because as I said earlier, before you can truly love anyone else you need to love yourself.

So THIS is why, if you’re single and looking, you need to know what characteristics you want in a partner.

Why? Because that’s the only way to know it when you see it. Here’s what you’re going to do next.

Step 1 – Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner.

When you’re making your list, peel back the curtain & get past superficial qualities. Of course, handsome & smart are obvious desirable qualities, but you want to go deeper.

His hair color, eye color, & height aren’t nearly as important as his personality, sense of humor & your common interests.

What are your overlapping interests? (politics, comedy, camping, bicycling, 80s pop music, etc.)

Is he outdoorsy or nature oriented?

What does he do for fun when you’re not around?

Is he ambitious & goal oriented, or a “go with the flow” kind of guy? (There’s nothing wrong with either of these, but you want to make sure you’re aligned.)

Is he a planner or is he spontaneous?

What about his sense of humor? What is funny to him?

How does he talk about the women (mother, sister, nieces, colleagues) in his life?

What makes his blood boil?

How is he different from you? What do you like about those differences?

How does he show you his emotions? Does he show them at all?

Now, look at everything you’ve written. What if you met a guy who checked off all but one or two of those boxes? Would you go on a date with him, even though he’s not your supposed Prince Charming? Of course you would!

Step 2 – Write down your actual non-negotiables on a sheet of paper.

These should be the big ones — things that that would be real dealbreakers. These are things like your core values that you won’t budge on.

Examples include:

I need a man who will make me laugh

I need a man who shares my religious beliefs (or lack thereof)

I need a man who shares my values on monogamy

If a guy doesn’t meet these criteria, you should just walk away.

Step 3 – Make a genuine commitment to giving more guys a chance.

If you have 72348 non-negotiables, or you think everything you’re looking for in a guy is non-negotiable…guess what, you will die alone. (just kidding – maybe).

Maybe a lot of the things you thought were non-negotiable are really just nice to have? & when you add up all the great traits someone does have, you may have an unexpected winner on your hands.

So next time you meet a guy who checks a few of your boxes, ask yourself, “Could he be the one?” Assure yourself that you will give them an honest assessment before you toss them out.

Step 4 – If you’re already in a relationship, make a list of the things you like or love about your partner.

Be as detailed as possible. Think of specific events that stick out in your memory…

The time your heart skipped a beat when he first asked you out

How you felt when you first figured out you were in love with him

Moments when he was particularly sensitive and sweet

Ways he made you feel safe and protected

It’s easy to feel like the spark is gone & the relationship is hopeless when you’re in a lull. Maybe you aren’t having sex right now or you feel disconnected. Maybe he doesn’t seem like the man he was when you first fell for each other.

Stay with me for a moment…

There’s a neat psychological experiment where if you’re told to focus on everything blue in a room for 30 seconds & then someone asks you to look up and describe the white things in the room…you’ll draw a blank! You can’t think of hardly any!

Basically, it’s because if you focus on one thing, you will miss out on a lot of other “colors” of experience entirely. The moral of this party trick is: Whatever you focus on – like flaws – you’ll be far more aware of those things.

By reminding yourself to be aware of the good things you have in your relationship, you might see that you’re more compatible than you thought. You just need to do the work to get him to worship you! (you’re in the right place!!).

& if you’re already in a relationship, maybe it isn’t time to throw the baby out with the bath water.