Merlin One-Shots!!

Love is hard

This is kinda a vent story for me. I have been feeling shit lately, so please hold any negative comments. Constructive criticism is always welcome but please no hate ❤️

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(Merlin's POV)

Three years I have been here, serving him day in and day out. He is my best friend and I would do anything for him. But then he started courting Gwen and he came to me for advise.

Of course I helped him, why wouldn't I. Just because I feel something doesn't mean I should ruin his relationship right?

My feelings come second. Arthur will always come first. If Gwen makes him happy then I will support him.

But I can't see him everyday knowing I can't ever act on these feelings. It's tearing me apart, piece by piece. I thought telling him about my magic would be hard, but that stress is nothing compared to this. I feel like I am being slowly suffocated by reality, the more time I spend with Arthur the worse it hurts.

So I distance myself. Not just from him from everyone. Eventually the pain will go away, unless it swallows me whole.

No one says anything but I can tell they want to. They aren't used to seeing bubbly, talkative Merlin creep into his shell and shut himself of from the world. Guilt hits me in waves, especially when I see the hurt glances from Gaius or the confusion on the Knights faces when I pass without a word. Other than guilt, I am numb. Frozen in this state of unhappiness.

After a while I stop turning up to work. I can tell Arthur is worried and I hate that I have made him this way, but I can't bear it any longer. I can't bare to see that I'm not the one making him happy.

It's on the fourth week of my emotional absence I decide to leave. I pack a bag in the dead of night and slip from my shared chambers. I cast a sleeping spell on the guards, allowing myself to slip through undetected.

The lower town is eerily silent. Shadows seem to detach from the houses and lunge at me. I run as silently as possible through the winding streets, desperate to reach the woods. Maybe there my mind can finally rest.

I reach the gate and cast the same spell on these guards as I did the last. Once I am sure they are asleep I slip out of the city and head into the trees.

"Goodbye Arthur. I'm sorry."

(Arthur's POV)

I haven't slept properly in days. I glance at my girlfriend sleeping peacefully next to me and can't help feel guilty.

Gwen doesn't deserve me, not when I haven't been honest with her. Truthfully I don't think I return her feelings. Deep down I have always known that my heart belongs to someone else. Not that that person feels the same. Why would he?

Yes he. Shocker I know! The king of Camelot likes guys. Not that it should matter, a person should love whoever they want and not face hardship.

I toss and turn in bed until I can bare it no more. I need to leave and clear my head. As silently as possible I change, pull on my boots and grab my sword just in case. I take one more look at Guinevere before leaving my chambers.

I let my legs take me out the back of the castle and round the outskirt of Camelot. I don't really realise where I am heading until I reach a very familiar clearing. But the atmosphere is different this evening.

I push the weird feeling out of my mind and sit in the centre of the clearing. I lean back into the damp grass and take in the beauty of the nights sky. Gleaming sliver stars beam down at me like old friends. 

Crack

I shoot up and dart my eyes around the tree line.

Crack

Someone is watching me. I can see an outline in the shadows, an outline I know all to well.

"I can see you Merlin, please come out." I call in a hushed tone. I can see his hesitation but he walks out nonetheless. I do a double take when I see his swollen, tear stained cheeks and hollow eyes. It looks as if he hasn't slept for days.

"Merlin whats wrong? Why are you out so late?"

"Why are you out so late?" He snaps back. Touche Merlin, touche.

"I couldn't sleep. I have...a lot on my mind." It was then I clocked the bag on his shoulders. "Going somewhere." Merlin's face drains of any remaining colour and he begins to back away.

"I- I need to leave." Without warning he turns and sprints away, leaving me hurt and confused in the clearing.

(Merlin's POV)

Stupid stupid stupid. I can't even run away properly. I really am useless aren't I.

I run carelessly through the trees, my legs burning under the effort. But I don't care I have to get away from-

"Merlin! Wait!" Him. I need to get away from him. My legs move on their own, going faster than I ever have. I consider using a spell to enhance my speed, but in the state I'm in I doubt I will pull of such a complicated spell.

"Merlin stop!" I cold hand on my wrist brings me to a dead stop. I almost topple to the ground would it not be from the strong arms gripping my shoulders.

"Arthur please, let me leave." I sob. God I really am pathetic.

"Merlin talk to me. Why are you leaving?" His voice sounds so broken and I can barely begin to comprehend why. Why does he care so much about a stupid old servant like me? I mean nothing. I am worthless.

"I- I just can't-" More sobs wrack through my body, claiming my voice mid sentence.

"Can't what?"

"I can't keep watching you day in day out be so happy when I'm not the one making you so. I love you Arthur, but you have Gwen. I can't keep serving you when I feel like this. It is tearing me apart." I can't believe I am telling him this. I swore I never would for I would never want to jeopardise his happiness with Gwen.

I risk looking up at Arthur and he looks just as heart broken as I.

"Merlin I love you too. I have for while. I think deep down I only began dating Gwen because I wanted to suppress my feelings for you. I have never been able to accept these feelings, but seeing you now makes me wish I had confessed years ago. This is all my fault and I am so sorry for that. If you still wish to leave I will not stop you."

I cut Arthur off with a kiss. It's wrong and we will both regret it later but I just can't help myself. I need to show him how I feel, as I have never been one for expressing my feelings through words. Arthur hesitates for a second then kisses back as ferociously as I. We stay like this, entangled at the lips for a few minutes before breaking apart panting for air.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that." The tears come back and I turn to leave once more. Arthur's hand grazes my arms and slowly spins me round.

"Love is hard. I have known that for a while. But if this," he gestures between the two of us. "If this is love, then I want it more than anything."

"You don't want me. I'm a mess, all I seem to do is ruin things. Everyone who has ever loved me either left, died or turned evil. I can't risk that with you."

"I will never leave you, Merlin. I am with you till the end of the line." (A/N I watched Captain America this morning...excuse the reference aha)

Love is hard.

But if it means I can spend eternity by Arthur's side then I want it more than anything.

Yeah this was a bit depressing sorry bout that. Merlin is essentially me at this point, I really am a mess. But life goes on and it's getting ever so slightly better. Thank you for reading, see ya soon

- Author xx