Avani & Anthony

70

skipping a week

avani's pov

anthony and i took a short 2 day trip to malibu. we laid on the beach and just enjoyed spending time with one another. we arrived home yesterday, i'm glad to be back but also sad to get back to real life. my family is moving soon and i'm excited to live with them again but also not because i have got semi use to living alone but it's ok. i'm excited to have the dogs, my sister, and my parents.

amelie and i haven't hung out in awhile. i should message her and see what she's up too. i grab my phone and message her. 'anuele! i miss you' i send that then i quickly text ant good morning. after i roll out of my bed and drag myself to my bathroom to shower.

i start the water. then i stare at my body in the bathroom mirror. i notice the hickey from anthony on my neck. i notice another one on my left collarbone. i shift my eyesight from my face and shoulders to my abdomen in the mirror. i run my hand against my bare stomach.

my phone dings, snapping me out of focus. i look away from the mirror and quickly get into the warm shower water.

feeling the warm water hit my skin, calms my mind. i can never think straight. there is just so much in my head, always. sometimes i can't even see straight.

i run my hand against the skin on my arm and feel chills over take my body. i watch the tears build up in my vision making it harder and harder to see. i slowly close my eyes and feel the heavy drops of tears leave my eyes. i just let them all out. nothing holds back.

tears just stream down my face while i stare deeply at the blank wall of my shower. the shower water doesn't even phase me anymore. i slowly begin to feel nothing. no pain, no stress, nothing. i turn the water heat knob of the shower to the hottest it can go.

i feel water hitting my skin but i don't feel the temperature of it against my skin. i watch my skin turns bright red from how hot the water is. but it doesn't hurt or burn.

i close my eyes and slowly take a deep inhale then a long exhale. pain rushes through my body. my entire body tenses up. i winch in pain but realize i'm alone. no one hears. anything. i quickly switch the knob back to the normal warm temperature i like.

the water changes but the pain still remains. i feel my chest begin to get heavy. breathing just gets harder and harder. soon i have to hold my breath because it's so painful to breathe. i hold my breathe until i feel dizzy. i take a deep inhale, grasping for air to feel my lungs.

i feel my body accept the air and soon allows me to breathe again. the pain washes away with the shower water that is running off of me and into the drain beneath me.

the next phase hits, i feel dirty. i grab my bar of soap and eagerly rub the skin of my left shoulder to my elbow. trying to remove every feeling of filth from my skin. i intensely wash my entire body repeatedly. just trying to feel a sense of cleanliness. i glance down at my arm and see scratch marks engraved into my skin. i gasp noticing my actions. i put the soap bar down and run my hand against the now raw skin of arm. pain rushes to my arm but it doesn't take over my body this time.

i feel like jello. my arms are destroyed and feel so weak. tears continue to fall from my eyes, it just feels normal now.

then it hits me. my hair. i need to wash my hair. but it's so much movement and strength. i analyze every movement and every muscle that my body has to use in order to wash my hair. i feel so powerless.