Dic. 14 2020
En realidad no es la fecha en la que estoy escribiendo esto que estás leyendo ahora mismo. Estamos a 5 de mayo. Este capítulo aparecía como un borrador de la fecha que esta al inicio.
A veces pienso, que me falta algo
A veces me pregunto, si me falta algo.
No sé qué es eso por lo que lucho, o si en verdad estoy luchando.
Mi cabeza me maltrata, me pone trampas mientras camino, está tiene nombre, pero no es el mío. Y si no es el mío, ese no soy yo, tengo que averiguar quién es el que me impide hacerlo bien.
Okay, mientras tanto...
Hace pocos años viví algo feo, que minimicé por mucho, me creía capaz de entenderme por completo, pero creo que la realidad es distinta ahora. Lo que pasé es algo grave, me di cuenta que me estuve obligando a minimizarlo, pensando que no era para tanto.
Siempre fui una persona un poco rara, nunca encajé en nada, tengo recuerdos algo oscuros de cuando era muy chiquita. Del maltrato en la escuela, y otras cosas. Siempre me tildaron de callada y tímida aunque admito que molestaba un poco, y quizás por eso no me querían cerca.
Me quedé en un ambiente en el que tu economía dependía de tu estatus social, eso pasó a qué tu comportamiento, dependía de ello. Me fue mal en eso, cómo siempre.
No va al caso...
Entonces, hace pocos años, me cambié de escuela. Y, era bastan joven, como 15 o por ahí. Y bueno, nueva escuela, nuevos amigos. Todo iba bien, fue un buen 2017.
Para aclarar algunos puntos; siempre fui alguien que le gusta ser servicial, ayudar y hacer que la gente se sienta cómoda y feliz dónde está. Si vos estás feliz. Yo soy feliz. Y siempre ha sido así. Cuando iba a primaria y veía a niños nuevos, nadie se les acercaba, y ahí iba yo a hablarles. Gracias a esto gané buenos amigos temporales (y el odio de todo el salón).
Okay, entonces... el año siguiente, pensé que todo seguiría normal. A los pocos meses de clases entró alguien nuevo al curso, y no hablaba con casi nadie. Se veía copada, así que fui a hablarle.
Fuimos amigas y todo iba bien
Bueno, a este punto me dio algo y no pude seguir escribiendo, pero intenté hacerlo en inglés y raramente me expresé sin tanto problema pero ya me da flojera traducirlo todo
So, a couple of years ago, i changed schools. And, I was pretty young, like 15 or so... and you know, new school new friends. So I was really happy that i could make some friends.
To clear some things up... I've always been someone who likes to help, to greet people and to make them comfortable with the place they are in. So like, if you're happy, I'm happy too.
For example, when I went to primary school, I remember that if I saw a new kid on the class, and no one was talking to them, I had no problem on going and starting a conversation. I really liked doing that, and i felt that The other person was really happy to talk to someone new.
So, ok... continuing. Next year, (I was in 4th Year) everything was good, I thought everything was going to go pretty normal.
Until, my grandma passed. I was really heartbroken. My whole world went down. And my only support was my family, but I think didn't notice that. I felt like i needed something.
A couple of moths later, a new student joined my class. And there you got me, going and talking to them. In this case it was a girl. We could call her Poop.
So Poop and I became friends.
Poop was a good person, she showed herself as a quiet person who liked music and drawing. At that time I was pretty dumb and impulsive but still quiet too. So, I enjoyed hanging out with this bullshit of a person.
Everything was good... until Poop started to act weird, all of a sudden she appropriated a totally different personality than the one she had. She became toxic, she didn't like anything, she became really pessimist and obscure. And started treating me like I was some kind of object.
Also, it happened this one time that I lost my earphones, and I started to suspect that Poop had those. So I asked her and of course she denied everything. But I knew she had taken them, so when we went out, I took them away from her bag, inspected them and of course, they where mine, so took them home.
Next day, she asked me about that. I denied everything, but she started saying that the only thing she had in life was music and that she could only listen with earphones... my friends said she was joking and fooling me. But the dumb me, gave the earphones away.
Anyways, Poop started to get weird and bad . She convinced me that my friends were talking shit about me, and obligated me to do drugs with her. Of course she was dealing with some sort of depression. I wanted to help but she made it seem impossible and made me feel useless. She told me I was useless.
Next year, (2019) Poop also wanted me to give her my phone, because "she didn't like hers". Gotta say I have a good phone, that's why she wanted it. She said I give her the phone or else, I wouldn't be actually helping her with her problems, that she would never be happy and that, by not doing it, I was a bad friend :(
(By this time she changed schools so we weren't classmates anymore).
So, I did. I felt really bad. I thought that if I gave her what she wanted she would have to leave me alone and that she would become happy at least. But it didn't work. My parents realised and got my phone back. I was glad but worried.
Then my worries became true. She then asked me the worst thing ever. Poop wanted me to steal one of my classmates phone... I didn't want to, By this time, Poop had already started hitting me and threatened me with many things... I was really afraid... I ended up doing what she wanted, but didn't work. My classmates realised. I remember getting a letter with bad messages on it. Like "don't steal" "thief" and other mean things. I was alone in school.
Something I forgot to say, is that she introduced me to a friend of hers. A guy that used to date her. We started talking and then dating. He wanted me to get away from Poop cause he knew she was a bad person. But I didn't hear...
The part that hurts me the most, is thinking about how I hurt everyone in my house, my mom, my dad... and even my boyfriend. I wanted to change... I realised everything was becoming clear, and that I had the chance to end that motherfucker. So I blocked her, and basically, started organising a new life.
She is still searching and sending messages, and I still ignore her.
I'm okay now, I have a boyfriend who loves me and I love him a lot!
But, there are thing that I won't forget. What I'm going to say might sound dumb... but I can't have friends anymore. At least girls. I have developed fear and hatred towards girls. I just can't be near one.
I also have lots of nervous tics. I've always had, but now I feel like they are out of control...
Getting out of this situations is rough, but not impossible. I don't know if there are other stories like mine; about psychological or physical abuse but if you know someone who's dealing with something like this, don't leave them alone. Please.
