Sanders Sides Oneshots

Past 18- Intruxiety

Hello, Lovelies! This is a vent piece with some of my favorite characters. I've been inactive and honestly, I could write a whole fanfiction based on everything that happened to me these last few weeks. But it would probably come off sounding a bit like My Immortal, so let's not. TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE NEXT PARAGRAPH

I'll give a quick TL;DR: I'm no longer in therapy after she decided she could no longer see me as a client. The cops came to my house and social services briefly made a case to put me in a psych ward. My sister left to go to college and during my first week of school, I was already bullied. I'm on a ton of new medications, obviously. And I'm also in the process of trying to close the social service case so I don't get removed from my household.

But this has some very serious warnings attached to it, including suicide, self-harm, eating disorders, purging, disturbing intrusive thoughts, and smoking cigarettes (not as serious I suppose but still issues a warning). Don't read this if you won't feel safe or comfortable or have a fear of relapses. This will most likely be graphic. Discretion is most definitely advised!!

If you are still reading, this is a bit of a High School AU with Intruxiety, which is not a hugely popular ship but it can be read platonically or not. Enjoy!
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"I don't think I'll make it past 18."

The statement was delivered with casual ease as if he was remarking on the weather or the view of the water from the bridge. Virgil turned his head to look at Remus, who seemed content to act as if he had barely spoken at all. He continued to lean his arms against the railing and stared out into the horizon line. Virgil blinked and looked over Remus's face.

"What?" Maybe he had simply misheard him.

"I don't think I'll make it past 18." Remus reached into his jacket pocket with shaking hands and pulled a single cigarette and lighter out. He placed the cigarette between his lips and lit the end before removing it from his mouth and exhaling. The cloud of smoke dissipated into the light breeze of the evening and Remus closed his eyes, just fumbling with the cigarette in his fingers. "I really don't."

"You don't smoke," Virgil noted. It seemed to be the only thing his head could wrap his head around. He would have noticed a decline in Remus. He should have.

So why did everything seem to be almost normal?

"It soothes the nerves," Remus took another puff, this time exhaling through his nose. His leg bounced and he still didn't open his eyes. "Clears the mind."

"Remus, what's going on?" Virgil stood up straight and completely faced his friend, fighting the urge to gag and cough under the smell of tobacco.

"I can't keep going. Not when I can't find a reason to."

"Remus, you have so many reasons-"

"Like what, my family?!" Remus opened his eyes and whirled around, mouth curled into a sneer. His eyes were watery and full of fear. "God, you don't get it! They're why I have to go! You're why I have to go!"

"Remus," Virgil stepped forward with his arm outstretched. He didn't know what to do but this wasn't right. This wasn't... Remus.

"Don't you get it?! I can't hurt anyone else! And that's all I've ever done! And that's all I'll ever do! I'm destined to hurt and be hurt." Remus took a mirror step backward and shot his glare downwards, silently cursing under his breath. "I was made to be miserable, wasn't I?" His voice was impossibly soft and if any car was driving past, Virgil was sure he never would have heard him speak. He threw his cigarette on the ground, stamping it out with his boot as he wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Forget it. I'm being stupid again. Just forget I said anything."

"Remus, for God's sakes," Virgil grabbed his arm and jerked him forward a step, staring him down. "Stop that. Talk to me. You're scaring me, what's going on?"

Remus didn't speak for a moment. "It just... I'm tired."

"Tired of what?" Virgil pressed, his own voice threatening to give out.

"Everything," Remus meant it to be louder but it came out strangled. "I don't have the energy to do this. To... care. About me or anyone else. It's too much. God, forget making it to 18, I don't know if I'll make it tomorrow sometimes."

"What's been happening?" Virgil released Remus's arm and sat against the railing of the bridge. Remus sat next to him with his knees pulled to his chest and his arms resting over them. There was silence until Virgil put his hand on top of his and squeezed gently. A quiet message of support. Remus looked at Virgil with a wary expression but received a look of nothing but endearment.

"You know I have intrusive thoughts, usually just stupid things." Remus squeezed Virgil's hand back and began to speak. "But it's not just dumb things. It's... wanting to hurt myself. Wanting to hurt others." A pause. "Wanting to hurt you."

"Okay." Virgil's tone betrayed nothing so Remus continued. Virgili had made Remus start talking and now he was unsure if he would ever stop talking.

"And I can ignore them most of the time. I know it's not really me, it's just..." He gestured vaguely to his forehead with a sigh. "But sometimes... I just keep listening. And I can't make them stop."

"What are the thoughts like, Remus?"

"I wanna just... bleed. Bleed and bleed and bleed until I have nothing left to give. I wanna tear my skin away and just bleed it all out. Peel my flesh back and see what's beneath." Remus's hands curled and his head rested against the cool metal bars. "It's the same things. I wanna tear my throat out as I scream and just feel that. I want to rip my spine from my back and... hurt. I want to hurt even more. But I want it to be on my terms. I want to be in control of it."

Virgil didn't speak for a while, just held the other boy's hand. Remus didn't cry. Remus had cried so much these last few weeks, he was sick of it. Everything crashed on him all at once, he was cracking under the strain. He'd always had these problems but he steeled himself against it. It wasn't anyone else's problem, he could fix this. He always did. Well, not this time. 17 and ready to say goodbye. 17.

17.

"I'm tired too. And I don't mean I want to have a nap." Virgil squeezed his hand lightly and talked, not looking at Remus. "I'm really tired. I'm tired of hating myself and what I see in the mirror. Of wanting to be someone else. Something else. I stopped looking at myself weeks ago. I'm scared of what I'll see." Remus looked over slowly.

He should have seen it. Virgil hadn't worn his usual makeup for months and he seemed so... thin. Painfully so. Remus could make out the faint lines of his cheekbones and his hollowed eyes. Virgil's other arm wrapped around his stomach and he sighed.

"Relapse?" Remus asked with no judgement in his tone. If anything, this was something he could understand.

Virgil nodded. "I went to the doctor's office. Had to weigh myself. It just set me off, I guess. Starting purging, not eating, sucking on ice chips, everything." Remus held onto his hand a little tighter. "So, I get it. It's not quite the same, but I get it. I'm tired too."

Remus didn't know what to say. He knew words didn't make it better, didn't fix their problems. So he leaned his head over and rested it against Virgil's shoulder, his eyes fluttering shut. Virgil rested his head on top of him with a sigh, never letting go of his hands.

"Listen, I know it's hard to hold on but you have to. It won't always be like this, you know? We just gotta hold on. For each other."

Remus didn't know if he believed him but with the feeling of his friend next to him, he let himself believe it would be alright.

Because hope seemed to be all he had left.
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Both of these characters are huge comfort characters for me so I gave them both my personal trauma. As a sign of love. But seriously, this was HUGELY therapeutic to write so even if it didn't turn out very well, I feel good about it. And that's it from me! Take it easy guys gals and non-binary pals. Peace out!