For You Just Cate

The Elephant In The Room - Chapter Four

Over dinner, we talk a lot: mainly anecdotes, discussions on art, politics etc. Cate sits opposite me; she often gives me long glances. When our looks cross we both smile and sometimes, she leans over the table to tell me an embarrassing story about Olivia and John which they aren't supposed to hear but of course they do which ends up with John pretending to be cross and telling me embarrassing stories about Cate to take revenge.

We were all having fun until we finished the main course and the discussion shifted more to personal stuff. We had almost entirely stopped laughing as we feel that what comes next is more serious.

Olivia takes a sip out of her wine glass and finally, addresses the elephant in the room:

"So, of course you know that you don't have to tell us, but when did it start to take a wrong turn with Andrew?"

I gave Cate a quick glance. She bowed her head, being weirdly interested with what was left of her meal. She gulps

"Well, you know. It is utterly complicated but on the other hand, it is not. Because, well, I still like him. Still love him. However, it's such a different thing now. It is so hard to describe, like you are falling madly in love, everything is great, you marry, have children, work together... but slowly, something creeps into your relationship. Something you would not notice at first. Fewer kisses, less sex, less saying, "I love you". Things you ignore at the beginning. But with that comes more discussions that turn into fights. When I'm in the car on the way home from work, I am almost immediately confronted with the stress that awaits me at home. Of course, there are also great moments, moments where I want to hug him dearly, moments where we can't stop laughing. These moments still exist, it's just that in the end, our relationship is more platonic than romantic; more funny than sexy and of course a lot of people say that's what happens when you get older, when you've lived with a person for more than twenty years. Yet, something inside me is screaming, "your life is not over just yet". You still need... well you know... it. Then I realised for actually quite a while I had not desired Andrew. For more than ten years I had just been sitting there, ignoring the fact that my desires couldn't be fulfilled in this marriage"

After saying this, Cate looks up. Her eyes are full with tears and her hands are shaking slightly. She notices my glances and puts her hands on the table so no one else becomes aware of the shaking. Too late.

Olivia, who sits next to Cate, takes her hand and squeezes it gently.

"I'm sure you've done the right thing. John?"

John looks up, a bit embarrassed by his wife forcing him to say anything.

"Well of course you did!" He answers

A single tear rolls down Cate's cheek. She doesn't wipe it away. She just sits there staring at something behind my back.

"Sometimes..." She clears her throat and tries again.

"Sometimes, I'm not sure I did the right thing. The children. They need Andrew and me. You know, with the job it's already difficult to be there for them. What kind of life will they have living with divorced parents? Where will we live? Not at home, in the country, I guess. Andrew is there now. Also, I don't want the kids to think that one of their parents is bad. I want them to love their dad. He is such a mind-blowing, loving, caring man. He did NOTHING wrong. I know, I am so selfish. However, I could not watch myself being suffocated in this marriage...", she hesitates "Suffocated sounds so bad. It's just; the only thing that is left from our love at the beginning is friendship. And this friendship is so incredibly important to me, don't get me wrong. But I don't only want friendship. I want desire. Rapid heartbeats. Falling in love, being in love."

Now more and more tears roll down her cheeks. Olivia turns towards Cate, hugs her affectionately, and whispers to her soothingly.

John and I just sit there rather downcast. The atmosphere has really subdued. I wished I could just go over to her right now, hug her, kiss her, dry her tears and tell her that everything will be fine. That she did the right thing, that there is nothing bad about ending a relationship when you are not in love anymore. That there are sometimes moments where you have to put yourself first. I so desperately want to tell her that she is such a caring and loving person, to such an extent that she herself had probably forgot that she has some desires as well, which are just as valid, just as important.

However, the only thing I do is sit there, staring down at my plate until Olivia releases Cate from her embrace. Cate dries her tears with the back of her hands, looks upwards as if she wanted to check that there are no unwanted listeners pinned on the ceiling and then clears her voice again. She did not even look at me a single time even now, she looks at John, but still not at me.

"Well, I'm sorry to bother you with this. I shouldn't have let myself go like this. I mean, we haven't seen each other for ages and here I am crying at your dinner table. I'm so sorry, really."

"Oh no. Really, don't be. I understand it must be so very hard." Olivia says sadly.

John looks up, trying to lift the mood, and says, "Well you know what, you stay there, we'll clean the table and then we can have dessert. You'll feel much better after something sweet and maybe a couple more glasses of wine."

With that, he gets up and starts clearing the table. Olivia gets up as well and helps him.

Cate still sits there saying nothing. Her eyes are red and her lashes seem to have darkened due to her tears. She looks more beautiful than ever; but still, I am incapable of saying anything. I'm frozen.

Suddenly, a thought seems to startle her, Cate bends down to get something out of her handbag. She straightens herself again holding a pack of cigarettes in her hand.

"Is there a place where I can have some of these?" she asks and gets up.

"Oh yeah sure, in the backyard. Do you know the way?" I respond sheepishly.

Cate looks a bit lost.

"I can't really remember. Would you maybe tell me how I get in this garden?"

"Wait, I'll show you, it's easier that way."

I get up and lead her down the hallway until we come to the big glass door that leads onto the patio, I open it and Cate takes a step past me into the garden. Almost immediately, she draws one of the cigarettes out of the small wrapper and tries to light it. However, her hands are still shaking, and her desperation for said cigarette, means she does not succeed. I take a step towards her; take the lighter out of her hands and with a steady 'click' a flame springs up the lighter. Cate forms her hands around my hand to shield the fire from the wind, and lights her cigarette.

She inhales deeply.

"Thank you"

I say nothing. I wait a second, and then turn my back to her ready to go back in. If she needs anything, it's a bit of time to alone.

"I'd like you to stay if you don't mind" her soft and deep voice reaches me.

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edited by @marthaaa_h you cannot believe how grateful I am for doing this <33