For You Just Cate

Cigarettes With Cate - Chapter Five

I'd like you to stay, if you don't mind.

These words reverberate in my mind as I turn around slowly. Cate is still standing in the same spot. She has her arms folded, there are still red stains around her eyes but she gives me a small, tired maybe even relieved smile.

"I wasn't sure you were going to turn around"

I don't know what to say. The only thing I want to do is to wrap my arms around her and tell her she is not alone but she would probably think it inappropriate and weird. Luckily, Cate breaks the silence again.

"Do you want one as well?"

I nod.

I don't smoke really but I do not want Cate to think of me as an innocent schoolgirl so, I take one out of the packet Cate holds towards me.

This time Cate holds the lighter. She is more relaxed now and with a skillful move, a flame juts out the lighter. I mold my hands around hers to protect the flame; I notice that her hands are cold. A second later, I have lit my cigarette and immediately take a step backwards. I inhale sincerely, soon I get the feeling that comes with smoke accumulating in my trachea and I cough lightly.

Cate laughs a little.

"I seem to have a bad influence on you." She says, turning towards me and giving me an intense but also amused look.

"No. You don't," I say unconvincingly whilst looking at the floor to hide my embarrassment.

I shiver and inhale again. This time I don't cough, thank god. Gosh, this is embarrassing.

Lost in thought, Cate looks into the sky and remains silent. I look at her intensely but she doesn't seem to notice me. We stand like this next to one another in complete quietness for what feels like forever - until Cate clears her voice and says, "It's hard. To quit smoking. When I was young, everybody did it. It was sexy."

She looks to me. Oh my god. Yes, you are sexy, but please, do not let me lose my shit. What do I say?

Finally, I reply. "It still is".

Fuck. Wrong answer. What am I doing?

Cate does not seem to notice my agitation or as Jas would call it, gay panic and smirks a little.

"No, not really. When the children came, I stopped, more or less. Only in the last couple of years, after long fights I found myself craving for cigarettes and so I started again."

I cannot stop looking at her. Her aura is totally captivating.

"I think that's totally understandable. No one can expect you to go through something so emotionally draining and not be effected in any way. Believe me. I-"

I pause for a second. Cate stops gazing at the skylights and faces me.

"What?" she whispers.

"I mean" I stutter, "You should focus on you. What you want. Do what is best for you. We are all in this mindset of trying to fulfil everyone else's expectations when we should, and I mean, we really, really should, do what feels right to US, for once in our lives. Get out of that cage of societal norms. Be you. Be happy"

Cate stares at me. Now, I have accepted it as something she just does.

"I know I probably sound like one of those motivational quotes on postcards but it does have some truth." I say with a little laugh whereas Cate still has not stopped looking at me.

It is really hard to tell what she is thinking about. It's an intense gaze.

Cate clears her throat. "You are so right." she whispers.

Still, her eyes seem to penetrate me, her glances hushing over my body. She takes a tiny step towards me. Then, as if something shot through her head, she shudders, draws back and takes a deep drag from her cigarette. Just in this moment John appears.

"There you are. We were wondering where you were. What have you been doing?" He looks at the cigarette in Cate's hand and then at the one in my hand.

"Oh. Gone back to smoking?"

Cate looks a bit embarrassed. "Well, uhm, not regularly. Only every now and then, you know, when I need it."

John wrinkles his brows. "Hey, I don't mind. Just..." He looks at me "don't give Ada the wrong ideas. Smoking is still bad." He says teasingly.

She looks even more embarrassed and her cheeks inflame in a soft red. "No, - I"

I help her. "John. You seem to forget that I am – luckily – not one of your poor children." I laugh and I provokingly take the last puff of the cigarette stub.

This time I manage not to cough, somewhat proud of myself for avoiding what could've been an even more embarrassing situation.

Cate lets the cigarette butt drop onto the wet grass.

"Let's get inside. I'm freezing" she wraps her arms around her body attempting to maintain some warmth, which was left.

John takes a step back inside "I wonder how you two managed to stay out here for such a long time" he shakes his head "Very irresponsible, the two of you!"

Cate and I both made a step towards the door but just as John goes inside she gives me a long glance and – I don't know if it was a coincidence or not- her little finger touches my hand for a second. I gasp but Cate does not show any reaction before continuing inside. I take a deep breath. Why did she do that? Surely, she didn't do it on purpose. What if it was? Why should she do something like that? With these thoughts, I follow the two inside and close the door behind me.

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