I hear my heartbeat thundering in my ears. I try to calm down and sit up straight in my bed before reading what's written on the note. I know it must have been from Cate. No one else has a reason to leave me a note by my bedside. After breathing out shakily, I fixate my eyes on the small piece of paper.
"Thank you" is what is written in handwriting full of character, slightly beneath those two words stands a name: "Cate", right next to it "xx". My initial reaction is pure excitement. She left me a note. It is Cate. Cate has touched this paper, has left it here. Next to me. When did she enter my room? Whilst I was asleep?
Right after the wave of excitement floats through my body, disappointment hits me. I turn the paper over to see if I missed something on the back. Nope. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less, no explanation, no "I'd like to see you again". No, "we should talk". No phone number of hers; nothing. Just a thank you. THANK YOU?? What does that even mean? Oh, hey, thank you for leaving yesterday? Thank you for kissing me? Thank you...what? I sigh.
Softly, I brush my fingers over her name. The two Xs, kisses. She sent me kisses. I mean she didn't have to put them there. She could have just left it blank but she didn't.
Frankly, I'm confused. Confused at my own behaviour. Why this encounter with Cate agitated me so much, why her whole being consumed me so deeply. Then the short moment when we actually kissed, that too was confusing. I'd never in my life imagined that it would come to this. As abruptly as it began - it ended; without any explanation. Nothing from Cate. It feels like all my thoughts have accumulated into a massive wave that is yet to wash me to shore. I don't know what to think. I feel utterly stupid. Alone. I know that I can't share the events of the last 24 hours with anyone. Not a soul. The only person that can make sense out of all of this is Cate. So what am I supposed to do? Wait till I hear something from her?! Which may never happen.
Another deep sigh leaves my lips. I feel trapped. I don't want to feel like this anymore, crying for no reason. Building castles in the air, which are destroyed with the next thought. I bury my face in my pillow. I need a break. I need to rid my head of these thoughts, just for a second.
With my fingers wrapped around Cate's note, I lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling while trying to clear my head.
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It's nearly been three weeks since I first met Cate and I've heard nothing. At first, I had thought that she probably just needed some time to be alone, to calm down. Something inside me had been convinced that she would call me eventually or send me a message, at least attempt to contact me. Instead, I received nothing. I was being completely and utterly ignored. With each day, I felt increasingly stupid. I knew that whilst I spent every waking second thinking about her, she had forgotten me. Even though I knew that she would never spend a single thought about on what we did, or me I can't stop thinking about her little note and the fact that she had wanted my phone number, this filled me with a little spark of hope.
Now it had been three weeks. I feel crushed. I felt angry at first but now I'm just sad, I don't now how to put it, I just don't have any motivation to do anything. I know that I should at least attempt to stop these thoughts; get a grip but I can't.
The semester has started again, which is something that should make me happy, under any other circumstances it would've. However, this time I feel tired out just at the thought of going to class. Pretending to be happy, pretending I was ok.
I should be fine. I kissed a woman for maybe 10 minutes and not heard anything from her. So stop acting like a child. It isn't that important.
I know it isn't. Which doesn't make it easier because now I spend half of each day wondering why she's insinuated such a reaction within me.
I frown slightly angrily. Why can't I stop for just a minute?
YOU ARE READING
For You Just Cate
FanfictionAda, a young acting student living with a theatre director and a playwright in London unexpectedly meets Cate Blanchett at a dinner party. She is newly divorced.
