Of Stars in Cities

two

I wanted to meet up with her.
I needed to clear things up.
At the end, she's been the only good thing so far this year.

My plan was to text her,and this time come clean on all my past that I've been hiding from her,so we can start a new chapter from scratch.

I pulled out my phone and dialed her number, I wanted to call, but I doubted she would answer an unknown number,ya know, after all the anonymous letters so I decided to text her instead.I managed to get it after she handed me the paper in english class , the one to add our names and numbers on, there her name was Dylann McAdams Hampson. I did some quick thinking and immediate snapped a picture of it, Did I think it was quit weird, yes I did, but I new I was bound to get it some day, so why not just speed the process up?
To be brutally honest, I didnt expect her to answer me at all and I had very low hopes of forgiveness, I mean If I were her, I wouldnt forgive myself either, I just kept imagining how mad she probably was at me.

I was right, she was very mad.

I tried to pretened what had happened today never did, but I knew I owed her an explanation even when I tried to convince myself other wise.

I mean we were never even close to being a couple? So why should I explain anything to her?

I repeated that word to myself multiple times but deep down I knew I lead her on to some thing but it was never truly my intentions, I just couldnt help it, at the end, Patricia and I have been on a shaky road for the past 2 months and I didnt know if I could continue on with that.
I always wanted to tell her all about it, all about my past, all about my problems, but I never got in terms with myself, and accepted that im living a life I  never in a million years think I would. I mean I was being bribed to be in a relationship with a rich chic just cause my granddad didnt want to spend any extra money on me. I was living the burden of my parents past, and my grandads present.

It often felt like I was trapped and the only was out was when I talked to Dylann but no matter how much I tried  to convince myself that her and I were just friends, it always felt there was just something beyond that.
Telling her was always on the tip of my tongue, no doubts, but what I least expected was for her to find out the way she did.
I tried to throw my feelings under the bridge,but they always floated back up.

It was pretty late, and Dylann answered me right away. I stepped out of the dirty living room that hasn't been cleaned in ages, and onto the front porch. That room was filled with ash trays and dirty clothes, it felt like I was here to take care of my aunt and my grandmother, not the other way around. She started to slack alot after my granddad disappeared, and thought it wasnt her obligation to take care of her brothers son, the only reason she came was to see her mother before she passed away. At that point, the pressure on me grew bigger and I had to watch my grandmother slowly die in that already dead bedroom while I took care of a mid-forties lazy woman.

Strong fall wind blew on my face and I took a seat in my spot, Dylann walked out within a second and it was time to confront her and I was sooo not ready.

-" what is it luke?" She came closer crossing her arms.

-"look Dylann I-" I tried to find words to Express myself but it felt like my tongue was trapped and I truly didnt know what to say.

-" I'll save you the chitchat buddy, your gonna say I'm sorry and I'm not like that and all that kinda shit, but ya know what? It was all my fault. I trusted you luke. I thought we were friends? What else are you lying about? Huh?"

-"dylann it's not like that." I stood up placing my hand on her shoulder.

-" oh ofcourse it isnt" she pushed my hand off angrily. "It was stupid of me to ever think you were a friend, helping me out with the letters, guess you were playing pretend then also?."

-" I swear I wanted to tell you a million times but just listen to me?!!!"

-" listen to what luke, made up excuses? Lies? Secrets?" As she breathed extremely heavy motioning her hands.

-" if you just please hear me out?! I would never mean to hurt you, I swear to god I tried, i tried telling you. I want to let you in, but I just can Dylann  I just cant." I pulled the collar of my shirt.

-" You cant what luke, you cant?" She started to tear up and fill with tage.

-" I try so hard Dylann, I want to talk to you, I want you to understand.  Nothing I'm living is in my control, I'm captivated my my parents past. I'm living the burden of my grandfather. You do not understand."

-" ya luke, I dont understand.  I thought I knew you, I guess I was in love with the idea of you, unfortunately that idea was all in my head."

-" Dylann please. Just please" I felt as if a knife was stabbed in my heart,I knew she had all the right to be mad at me, but she had to know the truth, I couldnt figure it out with out her.

-" please what luke." Her voice cracked.
"I finally thought I had a friend here, we were like best friends, I thought there was an unbreakable bond between us, I'm sorry luke, just give me the letter, I need to go."

-"dylann stop." I  tried to hugged her.

-"leave me alone already, I'm tired of this, I thought I was getting an apology, unfortunately, I got this instead." She turned around and left me there.

I stood there desperate. She was my only sign of help to get me out of this nightmare.
And now shes gone.
I went inside and there stood my aunt Catherine chewing gum.

-" trouble in paradise sweetie?" She said with a thick new yorkish accent.

-" just keep out of it I'll take care of it, maybe you should take care of your mother?" I felt a bit to rude, but that's what she gets.

She was only around to see her mother until she got better, or well, until she died. She never really wanted to help any of us out.