A Seam Within the Galaxy • Kylo Ren

Ch.3

It had been about a week and a half since I had helped out in the med center, as well as how long it had been since I left my room. I felt tired, and defeated from the past week. Learning about those I knew who had died, whose bodies are so far away in their eternal resting spots; this had taken a bigger chunk out of me than I had realized. I felt that I gave a little too much of myself, and needed to reconvene before I took on any more duties.

As often as I told myself this, I was terrified that this wasn't the factual reality. I was also fearful that the First Order knew I was important, knew I was an important figure toward spreading the First Order and enforcing it throughout the galaxy, but they were well aware that I was injured. Down for the count, like a stead that needed to be put down, since it was out of use.

I did feel as if I were out of use. Not that they were going to kill me, but they would find a different use of me, assigning me to something that was much below my rank, as well as my capabilities. Something that would completely diminish any hope of regaining a suitable lifestyle, one that would surely crush me from the inside out. Or they would forget me, and find someone younger, sharper. Someone radiating more power than I possibly could, and have them take over my title; leaving me with nothing. This, I feared, would be worse than being put to death.

A good part of me wished I would have been eliminated on the battlefield in one swift motion, to where I wouldn't have ever seen it coming. This way, I would have been remembered. Honored, even. As a Major who died in battle for her cause. Gave her all, trained as many as she could, so they could carry onward if she were to ever fall. For all I knew, now I would only be remembered as someone who failed to watch her back on the battlefield.

It had also been a week and a half since I had the encounter with Commander Ren, something I was desperately trying to put behind me, to which I have failed. The last thing I wanted on my mind was him, and yet, I don't believe I ever went more than fifteen minutes without him popping in. Not him deliberately doing so, just my own mind betraying me, I presume.

I worried about what happened between him and I—what it all meant. Whatever power I held within the room we were in was surely gone by now, as I had practiced over and over, holding my breath and focusing on an object, to the point of growing light headed in hopes that I could move something. I also tried reaching out to him, within my quarters, seeking to hear anything from him, but to no avail. I didn't really think I had a chance, there was no way I could ever tap into him. He was too strong, too powerful, for anyone.

Was I not trying hard enough? Was it actually him rattling glass beakers and purposely confusing me? As if Kylo fucking Ren had the time to play cat and mouse with me.

I almost felt as if that it was all a dream; was there a chance I was so afraid of this man that I had somehow tricked myself into hearing his thoughts?

I felt so weak as I wracked my brain for answers; I shook my head vigorously and slipped out of my clothes, quite literally stepping away from my thoughts, limping across the room and into the shower. I let the water run as hot as I could handle it, hoping somehow the steam would cloud my vision, as well as my racing mind.

I hadn't found my mind to become as crowded as it was the day I met Commander Ren, at least. My thought process was still somewhat out of whack, with the occasional spirals the more in depth I thought back onto what happened in the private medical supply room, with him. Staying within my own quarters didn't provide me with a whole lot of stimulus, so I assumed this helped me keep them in my control.

I was fearful of my next outburst, next situation that sparked a system overload within my mind. I scolded my negative thoughts, maybe if I didn't come into contact with the Commander again everything would die down. I could focus on what was most important to me, healing and getting back to my life.