A Seam Within the Galaxy • Kylo Ren

Ch.21

The next day and a half was as dreary and uneventful as can be.

Following the Finalizer's return back to the Death Star, I was given a lot of freedom to self reflect during the time I was not training any of my students, which sadly did not feel the same prior to our mission to Tatooine. Since the force connection between the Commander and I had been muted to a soft hum, even with a great distance between us, I felt like it slowed me down. I had grown used to the idea of him and I, tethered by an invisible cord within the force. I felt exponentially lifeless during my training sessions, a lot of my energy spent pondering what I was to do with these abilities, and how I could use them without giving myself away to the Order. It took even more out of me finding a replacement for the DX division, Khan having led those troopers as well as himself seamlessly throughout his days, even until his final one.

I also spent a good amount of time wondering if the Commander would ever turn me in for said abilities.

I couldn't ascertain if the once rampant connection between the two of us instilled this kind of fervor within me, or if I had created this magnitude of self confidence on my own. With the present indication of the ever growing pit in my stomach, I surrendered to the latter.

As much as I wanted to let myself ache for him, knowing that he indefinitely knew I wanted him, knowing he wanted me as well, I wasn't going to entertain it. What he had pulled in the cockpit of the Finalizer only demonstrated the difference between the two of us. I could admit to my faults, knowing I let my anger get the best of me, maybe even clouding my judgement at times. Despite this, I do not flip back and forth on my own coin of emotional instability as easily as he can. I wanted to forget about how he had killed Khan, so swiftly without even thinking about it, something I had a hard time believing I could ever do. Killing without judgement of the situation, simply because he deemed it right in the nanosecond between noticing Khan, and igniting his saber, sending it across the room without the bat of an eye.

Unfortunately, this was not something I could sweep under the rug. Any kind of relations with him seemed to put me in danger, all while having to put up with whatever mood he was dealt from his coin. Maybe General Hux had a point about his opinions of the Commander, 'incapable of decent behavior.' Maybe it was best that I kept a distance from him. For my sake as well as his.

I stamp down onto the treadmill below, raising the speed upward from a light run to a sprint, similar to how my thoughts had grown to become so incessant. Officers and different students used other treadmills or various exercise equipment around me, the small training room growing warmer by the minute as everyone around me exerted their finest efforts into their routine. The air grows thicker with every breath I let out, the windows to the hallway sheened over with light condensation. Sweat coats my skins, rolling from my forehead down the sides of my face, dripping to my shoulders and chest, rogue drops landing on the rotating belt beneath my running shoes.

Then I can feel it, amidst the burning of my lungs from exertion. A small, but noticeable hum. The tall, dark, brooding masked man making his way down the hallway adjacent to the small training room, two troopers and a General accompanying his sides as they pause directly near the foggy window. I feel my already heightened heart rate reach a speed I was not yet comfortable with, keeping my eyes set ahead of me, focused on the high the run had given me. Although dim and somber, the hum is warming me alongside how overheated I had already become, such a tempting distraction, as if he never said those things on the Finalizer. If I didn't pay attention to anything he had told me then, I'd say it was almost like he wanted me to turn and acknowledge him.

I do just so, swiveling my head to the side to peer through the window across the room. I am met with the cold, unappealing exterior of his mask yet again, staring back at me as the General at his side drones on about whatever matters were important for today's mission to Rodia. The connection we have doesn't ramp up as gloriously as it used to, nowhere near as beautiful as it could be. Now it is only a small, glowing warmth residing in my chest, pooling into my ears and settling around the apples of my cheeks, prompting a smile if I were to ever give in to it, but I refrain. It doesn't sting the tips of my fingers like it used to, now feeling trapped in my chest with no way out. It doesn't urge me closer to him like I know it wants deep down, but it fills my heart with an alarming amount of sorrow, like I was seeing a past lover doing well without me in their life. Was that actually what I was observing?