/Recycling
-We had a Drill Sergeant make a Private carry a branch everywhere she went so it would replenish all the oxygen she was wasting.
/Fats-water
-We had a guy named Fitzwater, we called him "Fats-water."
We weren't just calling him that because he was fat (he was), he was a lazy piece of crap who was constantly pretending to be hurt to get out of work.
Anyways, he got pissed at us one day and said "if anyone calls me fats-water again I'm gonna tell the Drill Sergeant!"
Immediately the Drill Sergeant walks in and goes "hey what's up fats-water?"
/Good morning
-We had a guy who didn't want to wake up one morning, so the DS flipped his mattress on the floor.
Plot twist bitch, fuckwit had gotten us all smoked horribly the day prior, so someone sewed his blanket to the mattress.
Dude couldn't get out if he wanted to. DS had to cut him out.
/Coincidence
-A mother of one of the other privates sent him a photo of a Drill Sergeant trashing a locker, with a letter saying "hope your Drill Sergeant isn't as mean as this :)"
It turned out that it was a picture of out Drill Sergeant.
/Lost in translation
-A woman in my Company was from Africa. She had a graduate degree in some science topic, so she was very smart, but some things were lost to here, especially (American) figures of speech.
When we were on the firing line, we were told to keep our rifles "up and down the range" meaning no matter what way you were facing, the barrel of the rifle was in the air and pointed down range.
She didn't get that and swung her rifle all over the place.
Everyone hit the ground.
One of the DSs yelled and asked her if her brain took a crap in her head.
She didn't get understand that either.
/Soul reaper
-When I was in Parris Island, we were drilling on the parade deck and this one recruit kept fucking up.
Our DI stopped us, stalked up to the recruit, and started Wearing. Him. Out.
Gave him the classic DI: Screaming in both ears, spit flying, smacking him in the face with his cover.
Eventually, the recruit broke down and silent tears started streaming down his face.
The DI took his finger, wiped a tear from the recruit's eye, licked it, and said, "now I own your soul."
Frickin intense.
YOU ARE READING
Mildly entertaining military stories.
HumorA collection of short yet wild military stories. None of these are mine. These stories, most of them supposedly humorous, are supposed to give light to what it's like to be a service member, and, hopefully, prevent you from joining as any vet worth...
