Double Vexation ( A Harper's series. book 11)

Wheels Of Change

It's nearing two in the morning and I'm lying here in my bed staring at the ceiling wide awake which is part of my new normal now, a normal that I'll never get adjusted to. It's at this time that my mind runs rampant keeping me awake. All is quiet while everyone else is asleep. There is no distractions or visits to keep my mind off of my situation or him.

As I stare up at the ceiling I see his green eye's staring back at me and I relive the old day's. The day's when the Empire was booming and he loved me. The day's where I could walk and not depend on other's. An occasional smile will touch my lips as I recall the many time's I ran from Cole as he playfully chased me calling out in his cookie monster voice "give me the cookie".

Never will I experience that again. Never will I feel my legs burn from a workout or share a dance with my husband. Had I only known what the future held I would've danced longer, ran faster, clung onto Cole tighter and always opted to stand instead of sit. Never would I have taken such a simple human function for granted. I would have counted every step and treated it as my first.

I'm also aware that Cole isn't doing well. The family tries not to discuss him when I'm near but they seem to have forgotten that my ears work perfectly. I'm crippled not deaf. In the beginning they tried to persuade me to see Cole but I refused. Eventually they gave up on badgering me about it.  I'm not doing this to be cruel, I'm just not in a good place. Of course I still love my olive, more than the air I breathe and not being with him is stabbing my heart. However my biggest fear is him seeing me broke and not loving me anymore. It's easier this way. Having Cole see me like this and not loving me anymore is my highest fear. I fear that more than the fact I may never walk again. Cole's rejection would hurt far more than being in a wheelchair the rest of my life ever could.

Yes, I do rehab regularly but so far no results. Mainly that's probably my fault. As I said, I'm broken but not just physically, mentally and emotionally as well. I lack the fire that I use to possess, the want to prove other's wrong and the fight in me has been extinguished. I have no positives outlooks anymore and I'm honestly not giving it my all. Then there's those nasty thoughts I can't shake. Why put myself through all of this rehab if it might not work? Why get my hopes up and have them crash when I realize I'll never walk? My emotions are just too fragile to endure anymore let downs.

However I can't deny that I'm not curious about Cole's mental state. I hear the other's whispering about his medicine's not working, that he's in too deep this time. I feel that if I seen him I'd be able to determine what the next step for him should be. After all I've handled his medicine's, doctors and his bouts with crazy spells. I'm not saying that I'm totally right but sometimes I'm know better than the doctor's. And yes I'm sure with him thinking I'm dead has made a dramatic impact on his recovery.

For many night's now I have laid awake wondering if I should visit him while he's asleep just to make my own assessment and see if there's another alternative to his treatment. Well tonight is the night. I can no longer sit idle as I hear the other's whisper their concerns about Cole and what steps should be taken next. At this hour the building would be asleep and probably Cole as well. Normally I have help getting from my bed to my wheelchair but this is something I must do on my own. Sitting up I slung my dead weighted legs off the side of my bed. First I made sure that my wheels were locked on my chair, then using every bit of upper arm strength I had  I heffted myself off of the bed into my chair. I landed a bit crooked but at least I did it. Taking a moment to adjust myself I begin to roll from my room.

The house was pitch dark and I wasn't pro yet at maneuvering around. Add my home to not being handicap friendly only made the task much more harder. The family had offered to widen the door spaces and lower my cabinets but I refused. Somehow having my home converted over to accommodate my new normal made it that much realer. However I was proud of myself at making to the door without knocking anything over.