A wreck within

Chapter 8

It was the second week of September. Outside it was heavy raining and it was very foggy. Everyone was either at work or away. But Freya? She was sitting in the cold empty bathroom in her house by herself. She was more broken than anyone could imagine. She could hide her feelings, her pain, everything that bothered her. She could put on a brave smile, but she was empty on the inside. Although she had many people who loved her and cared about her, the person she needed the more was never around.
She used to have a close relationship with her mother. But everything changed when she turned 5. She remembers every tiny detail from the day her life changed.
The day started as usual. The two of them had breakfast at the coffee shop a block away from their small apartment.
But that day, they did not take their usual route for Freya's Kindergarten. The car pulled over at Maria's house. Her mother took two luggage and Freya's hand.
He mother was wearing a beige dress with her lab coat on top. Her caramel brown hair were in a low bun and she was wearing her favourite perfume.
Jane kneeled to little Freya's height. She told her that she had to stay for a little while with Moira and Maria. She promised that soon they would be together. Freya did not know a lot about time, but 12 years were not "a little while".
Jane never answered any calls or emails or messages from Freya. She was like a ghost. Freya knew that she existed, but she could never see her. She could tell that she was alive but at the same time she could not.
After the first year passed without any response, Freya was not making cards for her mother on Mother's Day but for Maria. In Freya's eyes Maria was her mother. It did not matter who was the one who brought her to the world; Maria was consulting her when she felt under the weather.
Freya could not understand why she was getting her hopes up after all these years; her mother would not show up. She was still hoping that she would come and get her. That they would go back to their tiny apartment. But she did not show up. Not to her graduation or other performances or to anything that was important for Freya. She was not the mother Freya needed.
It was so unfair. Everyone had their perfect little families, but Freya was messed up. Why her? Why was she even alive? What was the point of her coming to this cruel and unfair world? Whom was she meant to be?
Her mother did not care for her. Her father was too busy ruling Melania and she could in one hand the times she saw her brothers in the last 5 years. She may love Maria and Moira, but they are not her real family.
She was homesick. She missed her and her brothers laughing. She missed her twin brother and Nate. They used to run in the backyard of their small house a few kilometers away from New York. The movie nights with her family and them waking up early on Christmas. But that seemed like an eternity ago. All those happy family times got blurry in her memory. Freya did not look forward to holidays. She would go trick or treat; she would put on the Christmas tree, but she would feel more miserable than ever. Because she was not spending the holidays the way she wanted. She was not spending the holidays like she used to.
The number of times she was thinking of taking away her life were many. For the last year, the thought of actually doing it was bugging her more than ever. She wanted the pain to be over.
She missed feeling happy. And that day was no excuse. That moment, on her own, in the bathroom, she could easily get the job done.
Who was going to stop her? Nobody. As always, she was alone, her mother and father did not want her with them. Moira told her over and over again, to not let those stupid thoughts get in her head but she was only human. How could anyone feel good with himself if they feel abandoned? Freya hated feeling abandoned but she did.
Freya started sobbing. Her palms were on her forehead and her upper lip was quivering. She could not swallow. She wanted to stop crying but she was not able. She was used to having panic attacks. She did not want anyone to know that she was suffering. She did not want to be the reason for other's sadness. But she was getting worse. Freya stopped feeling happy.
She got up. With mechanical movements she took the mirror and it shattered on the floor. She took the biggest and sharpest shard. She placed it on her veins. She wanted to do that. She wanted to die.
This was the end; she was not meant to be alive. If it she was meant to live, would she have gotten a sign from the universe?
Freya was ready to take her life away and nobody would stop her. Nobody would even care, and nobody would even miss her. She started gasping.
She only had to press the glass in her wrist and the pain would be over. An instant pain and then it would be over.
Her head was such a fuzz she did not hear the bathroom door opening. She could not see through her tears, but she heard the cold shard falling on the floor and someone hugging her. A big warm hug by someone who cared about her all along. But that someone was not Sebastian. It was Howard.
He wrapped her with his varsity football jacket. He held her tight, trying to make her feel better.
"Please never do that to yourself. I would never be able to forgive myself for letting you do that." He whispered to her ear.
Freya was still shaking. "W-Why? Why would you even miss me?" She responded with a weak voice.
Howard pulled her even closer with their faces a few centimeters apart. He looked in her beautiful blue eyes and said with a calm and steady voice. "I love you Freya. I loved you for the last three years. I know I cannot have you. But I cannot lose you. No matter what is happening or where we are, or with who we are, I will always be there for you."
Freya collapsed on his shoulders. "I love you too Howard. You are the best friend I could wish for" She got what she needed. A person who would never let her down, her rock. He held her hand on the floor of the cold bathroom which did not seem to be so empty anymore.
Howard was still shaken. Freya was the girl he loved, and she wanted to take her life away.
He gently kissed her on the forehead, and they did not say a word for the rest of their afternoon together. When you are with someone you love, there is no need to let the other know with words. Actions speak louder than meaningless sentences.
Around 6 pm Howard to go back to his home. The two of them where standing in the porch of the house.
"Howard?" Freya said with her eyes still red and puffy.
"Yes?" He answered.
"I don't want you to tell anyone about our afternoon together. It's something I want to stay between the two of us." Freya commented. She hoped Howard didn't tell anyone that she tried to take away her life.
"S-sure. I am not going to tell anyone. See you tomorrow" He drove away, and Freya sat in the sofa on the porch. She noticed that Howard's varsity jacket was still on her shoulders. Why her life was so messed up?