If heart ache was a physical pain, I could face it.

Part Thirty One

Doctor's POV

"I'll try one more time but then we're going to have to call it." I say while looking up from the girl on the bed and shaking my head sadly. This is the part of my job that I hate. The part where everything you can possibily do still isn't enough. But the hardest part if knowing when to stop. Would one more try save someone or could you be trying forever and you'd never have any luck. Please work; I pray as I set the machine up to go again. "Charging." I call and everyone steps back out of the way. The machine shocks her again, lifting her chest up of off the bed slighty and all our eyes turn to her heart monitor besides her bed. A fraction of a second which feels like eternity passes before the machine picks up its regular beating once more. A collective sigh of relief passes our lips as we know that everythings going to be okay. "Someone pack this up, and can someone else call her boyfriend if he's not in the waiting room, he's probably worried sick right now." Leaving the room I make myself a strong coffee before sinking into the chair in my office. Running a hand through my hair, my thoughts wonder back to her boyfriend's desperate cries. I wonder if he'll realise he saved her. If it hadn't been for his reaction, if I hadn't heard his heart breaking, I would have given up before my last try. That last try was for him and it worked.

I wonder how many other times I have given up too soon...

Tom's POV

"A bottle of vodka please." I ask as my phone begins ringing. Taking it out of my pocket I realise it's the hospital. As if I need to hear what they're rining to tell me. Rejecting the call I pay for the drink before leaving the shop. My ringtone starts again, knowing it will be the hospital I drop it into the bin outside the shop and walk away with it still ringing. Waiting to tell me the dreadful news that I already know.  It’s not like I’ll need it again anyway.

Opening the front door, I quietly make my way into the bathroom without thinking about anything, denial makes everything more bareable. Thankfully due to the way us boys love to go out drinking we always have loads of painkillers in the house, as we're always buying more instead of using up the old packets first. Opening the bathroom cabinet I pull out five partly used boxes, knowing full well most of them will only have two tablet missing I make my way into my room. Emptying the tablets out onto my bed I know that I have more enough to do what I'm planing. Soon it will all me over. Soon I won't have to fight so hard to block everything out. My pain will be over and I will no longer be alone. Anne and I will be back together again. She'll no longer have cancer and I'll no longer have to worry about Max. Everything will be perfect.

Picking up the first handful of tablets I stare at them just thinking. Do I really have the guts to do this? Do I really want to end everthing? As I start thinking again the pain seeps in and it feels as if my hearts being ripped out all over again. Struggeling to breathe I know I can't handle this. There's no life without Anne. This would be hell. My vision blured through my tears I lift my hand to my mouth tipping the tablets in. Washing them down with a mouthful of vodka I reach for the next handful. This is it. The begining of the end. So why do I only feel relief? After taking the last of the tablets and finishing the alchol, it's not long before I can start feeling the affect. Sliding down the wall until I'm sitting on the floor I let my head full into my hands as I'm expirencing the worse headache I've ever had. As my hands begin shaking badly I grip my head even tighter trying to steady them with no such luck. My breathing begins speeding up until I'm barely able to catch a breath. Why am I still conciuos? Did I not take enough? I could have sworn I did, but now I can't remember. Did I take them all? I begin panicing as my thoughts become muddled. What if I didn't take them all? What if this doesn't kill me? I won't have a second chance, people will be watching me twenty four seven. I'll have to live without her. I need to see if I took all those tablets. With the room refusing to keep still, I slowly and shakily pull myself up so I can see onto the bed. As soon as I see no tablets on the bed I fall forward, my slowly shutting down body no longer able to support myself. Hitting my head on the side of the bed I fall sideways until I'm lying on the floor. A smile makes its way across my face as I realise even if I wanted to I'd have no way of getting up again this time. As my breathing slows I can no longer form a coherent thought. The pain in my head subsides as my eyelids grow heavy. Tired. I'm so tired.