Getting Better All The Time

• Feelings •

• 🥀 •

Being around her is so confusing.
Do I like her ?
Are we just friends ?
What is going on in my head ?

• 🥀 •

We've known each other for most of our lives. Best friends in 3rd-5th grade, went to different middle schools and lost contact for three years, then are reunited in high school and pick our friendship back up like no time had passed at all.

I remember how nervous I was to see her again back before Freshman year. I was so nervous we'd have grown apart and she wouldn't like me anymore.

I'm so glad I had nothing to worry about, I know without her I would've fallen back into Depression this last school year.

The begining of Sophomore year had been rough, and I know that if she hadn't been there and been there for me, all my progress with my mental illnesses would've disappeared.

Instead, this last year was the best I've had in quite a while. Sure, I still have anxiety attacks, and the pandemic isn't ideal, but I've been so much happier than I can say I've been since 4th grade. Seven years. I've been in a dark place for seven years. But I'm getting better.

• 🥀 •

She's the most hilarious person on the planet without even trying. Always able to make me laugh, no matter the situation.
She's silly yet she can be serious.
And the things she does and says just throw me for a loop.

Now, I flirt with all my friends, I can't deny... And yet when it comes to her it's harder to do. And when she does it back my brain temporarily shuts down.

When we're in our group of friends - us & two other girls - they tend to make jokes that the other two will get married and us two will as well. And. I just. Smile and laugh along, trying to convince myself that they're just joking, not serious especially since none of the four of us are dating.

I don't tend to care about other people's opinions much, but I always seem to take her words to heart- whether that's a good thing or bad.

And when she holds my hand I'm always so nervous. My hands are always unfortunately sweaty, but I get extremely self-conscious about it when hers are holding mine.

When she draws on my arm I never want it to fade. The flowers she does I think are the cutest thing in the world and I don't think I'd mind if I got them permanently tattooed on.

And when she has me lay my hand on her thigh in order for her to get a better angle to draw, my heart-beat speeds up and my cheeks heat up. I want desperately to yank my hand away and yet, a small part of me wants to never move it.

She never pushes my boundaries. If I tell her I'm not comfortable with something or I don't want to do something, she doesn't question it. She just accepts it- accepts me- and moves along.

She would always notice when I wasn't okay at lunch. Those would be the days we'd all sit on the ground under the table instead of on the stools. The floor would ground me and my head would clear, and they'd all sit with me on the dirty school floor, showing their support. And she'd hold my hand or lean against me.

Whenever she invites me to do something with her- a movie or a musical or spending the night- I'd freak out and have to remind myself she means as friends.

She told me the other day that she had a project in one of her classes where she had to write about her most important relationship. And do you know who she wrote about? Me. Not her parents, or her brother, or any of her other friends. Me. I'm surprised I didn't start stuttering then and there.

• 🥀 •

Oh gosh, when I started writing this I was convinced I just couldn't tell the difference between best friends and crushes- after all, this isn't the first time I had felt this way with someone I considered my best friend. But after writing this, I think I might have actually realized I do like her.

Guess I'm gonna be even more nervous around her, hoping she doesn't catch on.

Besides, for all the jokes and everything, she is asexual and I don't know if she's also aromantic, so there's that. Even if I do like her, there's a chance she simply couldn't like me back.

I started writing this just to sort my feelings out, but I ended up with more concern and confusion than before.

• 🥀 •

And if you're someone I know irl and you've figured out who I'm talking about, please please don't tell her. I would probably die if someone did.

• 🥀 •

~ Sincerely, the panicking pansexual,
💜
Queer.illusion.