My name is not Blurryface

 chapter 3

'Join the Banditos.
in trench you're not alone!
Are you awake?'

"Fucking shit." Josh's dad grumbled, ripping the poster off from the nail, the paper ripping made josh cringe, holding close to his mother's shirt and gripping it tightly as his protection. "watch the language." Josh's mother warns, "don't tell me what to do woman, I'm fed up with that crap." He snapped, she sighed, moving to go down to Josh's height as she fixed his red hood. "Ready for church, baby?" She asked her son, josh went and gave an eager nod and a small smile, tugging at his own red hood which was big, hanging over his eyes that made it hard for him to walk straight and clear. Josh didn't want to do this, he didn't understand this. He just did this for his mother,they always had a close bond. He wanted to go home and sleep, he didn't seem to like church, he didn't feel his mother's protection when they went to church, everyone looked the same and it sacred him. All the chanting for just a god, a god that was real and on earth.

"You look adorable, pumpkin." She poked at her son's nose, Josh made a little giggle as he gave a small smile, but his stomach felt uneasy and he wanted to go home and hide under the covers from the monsters. The people in red seemed like monsters and it scared him the most that he was also in red. But he didn't dare to tell his mother. And never his father. "don't treat him like a little girl or he will end up queer." His father had broke into josh's fear as he snapped at his mother, a new fear that was hidden in his heart for his father's love. He did his best to love him, but he was starting to seem like a monster, even without the red hood.

"Oh come on, he's only nine. You can't teach him to hunt for deers at nine, you can't make him hold a gun. Stop trying to make him a man, he's my baby boy." She told him sternly, grabbing at her son's hand and giving it a squeeze as his eyes started to focus on the ripped poster on the ground, seeing all the yellow color. He didn't seem to have fully know the color, it was never shown around the town.

"You can never be too young to start training to be a man." His father grumbled, soon hearing church bells start to ring, "hey.!" His mother looked down at him with a smile, "after church, do you wanna go to the park? I'll be busy with your father after church." She asked him as they walked, "do not sugarcoat what we do. All grown ups have to wash away our sins and watch a film to bond with our neighbors after church." He told his son, shaking his head at his wife's poor choice of words.

"Stop, Bill." She spoke, josh tugged at his mother's red uniform, "oh please woman, you know nothing I guess." His father waved her off as they all walked into the church, it was huge, trying to look up at the ceiling would hurt your neck. There was pretty chandeliers, everything was dressed in a pretty red and white. Back then, Nico would make the children wear white to be pure but had changed it after seeing that no one could ever be fully pure as a child once they can become independent. That made only babies and   toddlers white. A story his father told him one night when his mother was feeling too sick to share a bedtime story with him.

"Have a seat.." She whispers to her son, gently pressing a kiss to his head as josh huffed, sitting down and he looked around the pretty lights that hurt his eyes. He never liked church, Sunday was the worst days. He always had a bad feeling, making his stomach hurt. Joshua didn't feel like he fit in with the rest of the children who all liked Nico, some girls even crushed on their god. Josh felt bad for making fun of her behind her back, he knew his mother wouldn't be proud. He felt  ashamed for that and soon became her friend.

Josh was annoyed, watching as the nine bishops walked up to the alter, "all rise." One said deeply, a voice that made josh feel smaller then he already was. His mother or father would always tell him to sit down when they would get to church but not after 5 minutes, they have to stand. And for what? Why must they listen while standing? What's the difference? Joshua never understood, but what he learned from his father, not asking questions gets you no beatings.

"Thank you for joining us all today." A bishop said, his voice was clear  despite his face that was covered, too dark to even see any lips moving to give evidence of him actually speaking.  "Today we will go on about the story of our god, how our god has fought to stay awake and alive for all of us here to give us the life that we not only need..but deserve." The bishop clears his throat, Josh felt his hands shake from the lack of food he had ate today. Which was none.

"To be awake, is to be alive." He started talking again, Josh slumped down in his seat now because of his legs, it only got him a slap in the back of his head from his father which jolted him awake and to stand up once again, feeling his heart hurt from his mother not saying anything this time.  "And Nico is very much alive and awake, we must not take that for granted but for being dead, is an achievement. No matter what age you die, it is meant to be, when you feel like it's the need to die, when you think your life is over,, you take that feeling and you go with it. We will stick by you in the end and celebrate your life journey."

Joshua didn't understand, the feeling of wanting to die, wasn't that bad? But they made it seem like it was good. It had always been like that and this feeling Josh kept getting, it made his stomach twist and turn. The feeling that something was wrong, like his mother getting sick after all the screen time she had after church, he wasn't allowed in the church but all the grown ups had to stay, he would always see a white light poking and showing from under the locked doors. Sometimes, he would hear thuds, like if something was falling over. This feeling made him always get a stomach ache to the point of throwing up. But he couldn't express his feelings, he would always crack and cry and just wave his arms around.

People saw it as a temper tantrum, but he was just trying to express his concern.

-

"Momma you sick again." Josh points out, holding her hand tight but feeling her grasp weak as they walked over to the park, the children squealing and laughing, all their red cloaks dusted with dirt at the end. "Mommy is fine, Joshua." Her voice cracked, pale she was, bags under her eyes as her eye color was always slightly off. Josh couldn't see, lifting his head up made himself  vulnerable to the sun that would hurt his eyes and make him squint.

"Oh look." His dad grumbles, "why is she at the park?" He asked his wife, his wife weakly turning her head over to a woman sitting on a bench as she watched the children play, tears streaming down her face.

"Give her a break, she lost her child, she is having her moments. There is only one park, her son always went here to play when he was a little boy." She told her husband, josh feeling her hand let go of his. "I would have many moments if I lost joshua. I would go insane." She whispers to him, josh couldn't help but stare at the crying woman. "Nico always says that things happen for a reason." Bill said, she sighed, not to dare to fight over Nico's words with him. "If I lost my joshua, I would be right here she is. I bet she misses Clancy every time her heart beats."

"Clancy?" Bill raised an eyebrow, she nodded her head. "His name is on the missing posters. Such a cute boy, shame what had happened. Hurts me dearly."

"Can I play now, momma?" Josh looked up at her, standing by her side. She gave a nod to him, moving to fall back into a bench as her husband sat right next to her and waved josh off as he watched his son run to play tag with his friends.

"You need to start getting stronger for those sessions, without them, we wouldn't be good without any sins." He mutters to her, "I will try." She said honestly to her husband.

"All I can do is try."