Nothing Less than Respect (KyloRenXReader)

Holding you back

*Y/N's POV

   The mattress creaked noisily under you as you shifted onto your back. It was already the third morning you had woken up on the escape pod's almost unbearably uncomfortable beds. Despite that, you tried to spend as much time squished into the cramped room by yourself. Leaving only to take over flying for Oliver, and to eat or use the bathroom. It was the only place for you to hide, which was ridiculous.
    There was no need for you to hide from Oliver. After the second time he asked to talk about what happened and you hastily brushed past it, he simply let you be. Now only checking in to see how you were doing and making friendly conversation.  
   But you knew you weren't hiding from Oliver, you were hiding from the guilt that plagued you every time you saw his face. He had waited patiently for you after you chose Kylo time after time, and after all that, was ready to care for you with open arms. But despite everything, you still felt like something was holding you back from moving on.
'Or someone'
   You shook away the thought irritatedly. You needed to get over him, by now you were an entire planet system away from Kylo. But it felt like he was still right there with you. His presence like a parasite latched onto you, sucking out any chance of finding new happiness.

   "Y/N, I have breakfast ready. If you want to eat together I can update you on our flight progress."
Oliver had poked his head from around the corner of the doorway, breaking you out of your worrying.
"Yeah that sounds good, just give me a couple of minutes to get ready"
He nodded and closed the door after him, giving you privacy. You pulled on some clothes and brushed your teeth before going out to sit in the chair next to him in the small lounge area, if you could even call it that. It really was just a small space connecting the control panel room and the bedroom. But they still somehow managed to squeeze a small makeshift kitchen and seating area in it.
Oliver smiled and handed you a warm muffin. You thanked him before taking a bite, chewing it while listening.
"We should be landing anytime soon. The ships on autopilot right now, but it will notify us when we're ready to land"
"Where do you think we'll be landing?"
"That's up to you, one we get close we can fly over the planet and you can just let me know where you want to land."
   You agreed that would be the best idea, then went back to munching on your muffin. Both of you sat enjoying each other's company while finishing your breakfast and exchanging some small talk.
As confused as you were about how you felt towards him, when you actually sat down and spent time with Oliver, it felt so easy. So natural to listen to him talk excitedly about where he wanted to go next and ask about you wanted to do. Maybe it could be like this every day for the rest of your life. Waking up to a stable relationship and enjoying comfortable mornings together.
"Y/N are you done?"
You hadn't even realized you'd been staring at him, caught up in fantasies of the life you could have if you just allowed it.
"Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just kind of zoned out I guess"
Crumpling the empty wrapper in your hand you stood up and walked over to the kitchen counter where there was a small trash can. You let your thoughts  wander again while you threw it away.
   You were going to need to make some sort of a decision soon. You knew once you found your sister, you didn't want to stay on Tatooine for much longer, and Oliver definitely had other future plans.
"Hey Y/N are you feeling okay? You keep losing focus"
Oliver had gotten up now too, following you into the kitchen. When you turned around you were caught off guard by his closeness, instinctively making you take a step back. Your waist hit the edge of the counter, and it felt like the space suddenly shrunk around you two. Oliver's figure towered over you. He was near enough where, if you took a deep enough breath your chest would bump into his.
"Yeah I'm fine, just have a lot on my mind I guess" you shrugged nervously. His eyes seemed to bore into you as they scanned your face concerned.
"Are you worried about what you're going to decide? About us?"
You nodded hesitantly, watching for his reaction.
"Y/N I don't want to pressure you into anything. I just wanted to make my feelings for you clear, you can take as long as you need to decide. I just want you to be happy, even if it's not with me" he gave you a small smile, but it looked forced. The sadness shone through in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, my emotions are just really hard for me to understand right now. I like you, and I keep imagining this future I could have with you and I like it! I want it so badly, there's just something..."
"You still have feelings for Kylo"
His abruptness caught you off guard and you stared up at him in shock.
"That's what it is right? You still have feelings for him. It's fine Y/N I get it; but I can help you get over them. If you you just let me help you" his eyes pleaded with you, and he lifted his hand to cup your cheek.
You couldn't stop yourself from leaning into his touch, and you didn't want to.
"Please?"
The desperation in his voice dug deeper at your guilt.  You wanted this, a fresh start. A chance to move on and be happy with someone who would care for you, as much as you did them. That's why you left in the first place. And now that you were gone, there was no going back. This would be a step forward.
"Okay" you whispered the confirmation, more for yourself than Oliver, wrapped your arms around his neck and lifted yourself onto your tiptoes to press your lips against his. You could feel him smile against your mouth, before he shifted his hands to lift you up to sit on the counter. You yelped in surprise, giving him access to deepen the kiss.
  His hands traveled up your body to weave into your hair and pull you closer making you sigh into him. You spread your legs so he could stand in between them. The feeling of his teeth tugging softly at your bottom lip eliciting a moan from you while you ground your hips against his.
The ringing sound of an alarm signal from the cockpit area had you flinching away, your eyes shooting open in confusion. Oliver pulled away panting heavily.
"I'm sorry that must be the alert that we're ready to land" he gave you an apologetic smile before offering you a hand. "You can come with me to let me know where you want to stop"
"Um yeah, I'll be there. Just go ahead with out me. I just need a second."
"Ok, just don't take too long" he winked playfully before leaving you alone.
You tried to give him any sort of response, but you could only sit there in disgust. Disgust in yourself.
Disgust that when you closed your eyes and kissed him back, you were only imagining one person's hands and lips on you.
And it wasn't Oliver.

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  Y/N's feelings are everywhere, also don't worry we'll have more Kylo very soon *wink wink*.  Thank you guys for all the sweet comments and support, it means so much and helps me keep writing💕🥺