Canyon Moon | H.S.

Pub Floor (23)

Two months later

"Nat! Natalie! Have you heard the news?" Bekah comes running into the pub looking dishevelled, and I can't help but laugh.

It's been over two months now since my world flipped on its head, but it already feels like longer. Working at the pub with Bekah has been a blessing, really, but the days all seems to blur into one. She still hasn't managed to convince me to go out with her yet, so a drink together at the end of the shift is the most 'excitement' we get, if you can call it that.

"What are you going on about?" I ask, wiping tables.

"It's Zayn!"

The other side effect of mine and Bekah's friendship, is I managed to get her completely hooked on One Direction's music. To be honest, I hadn't even listened to it that much, what with being in the house with them and all. I had given all their albums a listen through once, but left it at that.

Being separated from them gave me a chance to be a bit of a fan, and really appreciate how good their music is.

"What about him? Is he alright?" I ask, wondering what she's seen posted on the internet.

"He's leaving." She says bluntly, trying to catch her breath.

"What?"

She shoves me her phone and lets me read the official statement. Tears well in my eyes as I read. What happened? He never let on anything like this while I was there. Was he really that good at hiding how he felt?

"They've cancelled the next tour. They're going to be doing some special concerts, the four of them, showcasing the music from their most recent album."

I stand completely still trying to absorb her words. I still haven't listened to their new album yet. I don't know if I'm emotionally stable enough. It only came out recently, two months obviously being enough time for them to write the last songs and get it all recorded.

"I'm getting us tickets to that damn concert." Bekah says, tying her hair up.

"No, Bekah, you can't. I want- I'd love to, but I'm not allowed to make contact with them." 

In honesty I don't know if I do want to. The thought of going and seeing them live, being in the same building as him, hearing him sing loud enough to feel it in my ribs... So close to him... My stomach clenches at the thought.

"There is nothing you can do to stop me. I am getting tickets if it kills me. And we're listening to the album. Tonight."

"Bekah. I will be a mess listening to that album."

"Yeah, but the way you're going about life you're going to be a mess whatever you do, sweets. What if you walk into a store and they're playing? You'd break down and cry and have to be escorted out and then everyone thinks you're some looney."

I chuckle slightly at the mental image.

"I miss him so much." I say softly, looking at the ground. Bekah comes over and wraps her arms around me.

"I know darling, I know. And I'm sure he misses you too."

"He probably thinks I hate him, god I-" My voice gives out. 

I hate it, but I can't stop thinking about it. The idea that he's out there living his life thinking I just walked away from him. Wanted nothing to do with him.

"He doesn't think that."

We're interrupted by our first customer of the evening, so I put my brave face on and get to work, allowing the mind numbing repetition to soothe my aching heart.

I hear the last customer leave for the night, and Bekah lock the front door behind them. My feet are aching and my eyes are heavy.

"Right. Lay down on the ground." She tells me.

"What? Are you mental?" I ask. "You want me to lie down on a pub floor?"

"You mopped it earlier, and I think you're going to want to be laying down for this." I roll my eyes at her but does as she says, my stomach churning in anticipation.

She connects her phone to the speaker and lays down on the floor next to me.

"Just do whatever you need to do." She says, and I shut my eyes, worried about the reactions I might have.

The opening chords to 'Hey Angel' starts, and I can't help but smile when the drums come in. My heart drops as he sings for the first time, memories of him calling me Angel flooding back through my mind. My heart clenches. I can see him, bathed in golden light, looking like the pinnacle of beauty. I flex my fingers against the floor, already feeling overwhelmed.

Bekah and I jam out to 'Drag Me Down' and 'Perfect', smirking slightly at the reference to his ex. He told me about the relationship, how it was encouraged by the management, but that they came out of it with a good friendship, and lots to write about.

'Infinity' starts, and I feel myself glued to the floor. I'm falling. I'm travelling a million miles and hour, and at a snail's pace all the same time. The song is exactly how I feel right now, and I shut my eyes tight, holding a painful breath in my chest.

Harry starts singing and I forget how to breathe entirely. A tear rolls down my face, soaking into the collar of my shirt. I wanted to stay, I promise. My head hurts, my lungs ache. God, all I wanted to do was stay, and he doesn't know. 

He'll never know.

I cry openly at the second chorus, clutching Bekah's offered hand. It already feels like infinity, and I know this feeling isn't going away. Not for a very long time. I can hear the pain in his voice, so cleverly masked by drums and guitar strums.

All I ever wanted was the truth. Guilt clutches at my chest, clawing at me from the ground up.

Bekah pauses it, letting me catch my breath.

"That one's pretty on the nose, huh?" I laugh through sobs, only capable of nodding my head.

Gentle tears continue throughout 'End of the Day', smiling as Bekah sways our hands together in time with the chorus. Louis sounds so good, and my heart swells with pride. They all sound amazing. I miss their voices so much.

'If I Could Fly' starts, the soft piano and his voice hitting me like a punch to the stomach. I squeeze my eyes closed, remembering the look on his face as he sang this to me the first time. The way his hair fell across his face, the way his fingers strummed the guitar.

I'm missing half of me when we're apart. He's right. I haven't felt like myself since that day. I wonder if I'll ever feel it again. My heart aches at the sound of Lou singing the words I came up with, mentally laughing at the irony of singing pain gets hard.

What would my mother say to me right now? So hopelessly lost. The tears are freely streaming again as Harry sings over the top of the last chorus. I want to be able to stop his pain.

The rest of the album seems to pass in a blur. Snippets of lyrics poking at my mind, accompanied by vivid memories. I let myself cry during 'History', not for myself but for Zayn, and the hurt he is obviously going through. I laugh at Wolves, remembering Harry's smug face when he came up with those lyrics, my face flushing thinking about the events that transpired afterwards. I clutch Bekah's hand like a lifeline as 'A.M.' plays, feeling as if the boys were there in the room with us.

The album finishes, and we lie on the floor silently, only my heavy breathing and sniffs breaking the thick atmosphere of an empty pub, occupied by crying girls at 3am.

"Thank you." I say softly, still clutching her hand.

"No need to thank me, Nat. It seems like you needed that."

"No seriously, thank you," I say slowly sitting up, "you've been a... a lifeline for me, from the very beginning, and you didn't even know me. Thank you for caring."

She scoots across the floor, pulling me into a hug, gently wiping tears off my face. She walks home with me, collapsing into my bed like we've done multiple times. Her breathing quickly evens out as she falls fast asleep.

I stare out of my window, and try to count the stars.