Beyond The Sea Blue Light

Cause I Feel So Alone

Gerard calls a group meeting, one that I'm forced to attend. I drag myself down the stairs, into the living room. Every step feels like knives driving into my body, exhaustion bleeding out of me as I struggle to breathe. It's as if stones are tied to my chest, dragging me down, even as I try to fight.

"Is everyone here?" Gerard asks from where he's sitting at the front of the room. "Okay, well, as most of you know, I'm Gerard."

I lean back on the couch, trying to stay awake. All I want to do is be back in my room, curling under the blankets, but I force myself to concentrate for a little bit longer.

"We're not quite safe yet," he says. "But we'll probably be okay here. They'll still be looking for us. We bought ourselves some time, but we'll have to move again at some point to keep ahead of them. Not to mention—" his eyes flicker to me, guilt flashing through them.

"We should've just stayed," Craig says. He looks exhausted. "We would've been safer." All of us are still exhausted. "It wasn't worth it." Tears flood my eyes and I blink, trying not to cry as the words dig into my heart.

"If you want to go back, you can," I snap at him.

"I didn't plan the escape," he points out. "You guys dragged me into it. Don't blame me for anything."

"It was worth it," Alex says. He hasn't once looked up from where he's staring at the ground.

"Was it really worth it?" he counters. "Freedom? At what cost? Vic's gone. He's dead. Alex got shot. He almost died too."

"He sacrificed himself so we could be free!" I shout. "So you could, you selfish idiot! You told Mr. Styles! You're the reason he's dead!"

Craig looks shocked. "I never said anything," he swore. "I don't care what you say, but it wasn't me."

"You're a liar," I scream, anger scorching through my veins. "You're such a fucking liar! You killed him!" My fists clench at my side. Craig looks at me steadily and something in me snaps. I lunge at him, tackling him to the ground before arms wrap around me, yanking me off. I struggle against them, but Oli and Jack each take one of my arms, dragging me backward out of the room.

The door slams shut, even as I scream, wanting to put every ounce of my anger into Craig's face. It's all his fault. His fault that Vic is dead. If he had just let me go, I would have been able to save him. He wouldn't be gone.

"Calm down," Jack says, even as I fight against them "Kellin, breathe."

"Vic wouldn't even be dead if he'd had let me go," I yell. "It's all his fucking fault!"

"You would be dead," Oli points out. "He saved your life."

The fight goes out of me in an instant and I stop fighting against them. He did, didn't he? But Vic is dead because of that.

"We're gonna let you go if you promise not to charge back in," Jack says.

I nod and they do, letting me slump to the floor, resting my head in my hands.

"At least I'd be with him," I mutter. "That's all I want right now."