Beyond The Sea Blue Light

Cause I Feel So Alone

Freedom is nice. There's so much I didn't even realize that I missed. For once it feels like I can actually breathe. I don't have to worry about stepping out of line every minute. It's like a weight has been lifted off of my chest.

I have to admit, every night, anticipation floods me as I curl up on my bed, closing my eyes. I find myself looking forward to my dreams more and more and more. Even if I can only see him in my dreams, it's better than not seeing him at all. I move through the day like I'm asleep, just waiting to close my eyes. But the dreams stop coming. My dreams are instead filled with sanguine memories and scarlet pain.

I try to focus on training again, but it's getting harder and harder to find the motivation to. Oli can tell something's up, but he doesn't press, just silently comforting me as I rest my head in my hands. Somehow, seeing him in my dreams makes me even more lonely. Every morning, I wake, wishing I could be with him again. An empty pit yawns in my stomach. I ache for his touch, ache to see him again.

Somedays, I sit by the white stones in the backyard, talking about everything and nothing for no one to hear. It lifts the weight off of my chest, as if pouring my feelings out to a polished white stone would do anything. Being with Oli helps though, even though I feel guilty about it once in a while. He's a good friend, a good person. He sits with me sometimes, other times he visits the other, the third white stone in the garden, one that I'm not sure who it's for. Someone important to Oli, that much is obvious, but he doesn't tell and I don't press.

"How are you?" A voice asks, startling me out of my memories. I look up to see Gerard knocking on the door of my bedroom.

"I'm fine," I flash him a weak smile. "Better."

"That's good," Gerard sighs. "I know, it's hard. Just take it one day at a time, okay?"

"I know," I say. "Did you need something?"

"I was wondering if you wanted me to try to find your parents," Gerard says. "No promises though. They're probably keeping a close eye on them in case we do contact them. But I'll try."

"Wow," I whisper.

"Is there anyone?" Gerard asks. I think back to my father, my stomach twisting. That seems like a lifetime away. I haven't thought about him for a long time. He doesn't haunt my dreams anymore.

"No." I shake my head. "No one."

He nods, looking sympathetic. "If you come up with anyone, just let me know, okay?"

"Thanks," I call after him as he turns to leave. Vic's family flashes through my mind. He told me about them, once, how they disappeared without a trace. I didn't tell him this, but I saw them in my mind, that one time when I saved him from dying. He wanted to find them, I remember. He wanted to know where they were and if they were alive.

My dream flashes through my mind, the house in southern California and the memories there. I owe it to him to find his family, don't I? Or I owe it to his family to tell them what happened to their son. Either way, I should find them.

"Actually," I say. "Can you find someone for me?"