Beyond The Sea Blue Light

We Made Our Mistakes

I'm with him in my dreams again. This time, it's not the familiar field of the Facility or the cold gray walls. I'm standing in a rolling meadow, the golden grass stretching toward the pale blue sky, cotton-candy pink clouds hovering over the horizon. A breeze rustles the stalks of grass around me. It seems to beckon me forward, whispering come, come.

So I follow, making my way through the tall grass, up the side of a gently sloping hill. At the top, I pause, shocked at what I see. There's a giant tree that seems to just have appeared out of nowhere, branches stretching up toward the sky. Unlike the rest of the luscious meadow, it's dead, leafless limbs and rough bark. And standing beneath the tree, his back to me, is Vic.

He turns when he hears me, an expression of sympathy crossing his face as I throw myself in his arms, feeling his familiar warmth. I missed him so much.

"What are you doing here?" he asks at last.

"What do you mean?" I ask, confused.

He brushes a strand of hair out of my face, his fingertips tracing over my skin. "You need to go back," he says.

"I don't want to," I say. "I want to stay here with you."

Vic just shakes his head. "Go," he whispers. "You need to go. You need to move on."

"I don't think I can," I plead. "Vic, please. I want to stay with you."

He smiles sadly, his eyes glistening. "I love you, Kellin," he says. "I always will. But you need to go." With that, he lets go of me, and even as I reach out to him, I find myself falling backward into the growing light beneath me.

I'm jolted awake, sitting up in shock in my bed. It's still early out, Oli is still asleep in the other bed, soft snores coming from his side of the room. Faint light shines in through the window, faintly illuminating the walls of our room. The house is quiet, peaceful even.

I lie back down, turning my dream over in my mind. He wouldn't want me to act like this. He'd want me to live. After all, that's what he sacrificed himself for, right? So I could be free. I know he would hate to see me like this right now. He'd probably brush away my tears and kiss me gently, telling me it will all be alright. He wouldn't want me to grieve.

The thought keeps me going, enough for me to drag myself out of bed for the first time all week.

---

"Kellin?" I hear Alex's voice and look up from where I'm sitting on my bed. He fiddles with his sleeve, looking down at the ground. "Can I talk to you?"

Oli gives me a little smile. "I'll be downstairs if you need me," he says as he slips out, giving the two of us privacy.

Alex nods, moving into the room a little bit. "I'm sorry," he says. "I wish I didn't say any of those things because they aren't true. It's not your fault. It was theirs."

Tears flood into my eyes but I blink them away, trying to swallow the lump forming in my throat.

"I was being an asshole," Alex admits. "And I'm so sorry my anger was directed at you. You didn't deserve it."

"It's okay," I rasp. "We all have different ways of dealing with—with losing someone close to us."

"Still doesn't give me an excuse," Alex says. "And I am sorry."

"You're forgiven," I say. Alex gives me a little nod, but for once, he doesn't seem to know what to say.

"I miss him," Alex says at last.

I can't help it this time. My vision grows blurry as I struggle to keep from crying. A tear rolls down my cheek as I turn my face away. "I miss him so much," I whisper, my voice breaking. "It hurts so much. It's supposed to get easier right? When does this get easier? How does it?"

"I don't know." Alex's voice breaks. "I really don't know."

---

Has anyone read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold?