The Mudblood and The Slytherin Prince

Chapter 9: Depression

The title says it all. Read at your own risk. If you don't feel comfortable reading it, that's okay.

You locked yourself in your room unless you had to go to class. You didn't talk to Harry or Hermonie or even Cedric. They all tried, but you just ignored them. Cedric would always come up to your dorm and try to get you to come to dinner but you would just throw whatever you had close to you at the door. After that, he would leave you alone.

You now dreaded Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

Malfoy sat across from you still and Harry would always grab the seat next to you. He kept trying to get you to talk, Malfoy would tell him to shut up, Harry would tell him to butt out and all of you had gotten detention because of it.

During detention you had to write an essay about 'Why I Shouldn't Talk in Class.' You were the first to finish since all you wrote was: 'I wasn't talking. The other two idiots in this room were.' You slammed the paper onto Professor Moody's desk and left the room, ignoring whatever Moody was yelling at you about.

You went back down to the boathouse. You've never seen anyone else come down here, not even the Durmstrang's ship, so this became your little get away place. You took off our shoes and socks and put your feet into the water, shivering a little. The water has gotten much colder already—considering it is November now. You look at the sunset and let out a long sigh.

'Why does nature have to be so beautiful, but life doesn't?' You say to yourself out loud. 'Life just has a way of messing everything up, doesn't it dad?' You take your feet out of the water and pull your knees up to your chest and wrap your arms around them. 'I could really use you right now. Things aren't going so great lately, but I guess you know that since you kind of know everything now.' You say letting out a small laugh at the end.

You get up and put your shoes and socks back on and go to the owlery, deciding to write to your mom. You feel like that's the best option, she always knows how to help.

Harry had given you permission to use Hedwig whenever you needed, so you write your letter to your mom and send Hedwig off, hoping that it'll get to her soon.

You walk down the stairs and bump into Harry. 'Oh, hey.' He says without making eye contact.

'Um, I figure I should let you know, that I just sent a letter to my mom using Hedwig.' You say quietly.

'Okay, that's fine. Sirius and I have been using his owl anyway, says it's getting to dangerous to use her right now. But, I'm sure it'll be fine since it's just a letter to your mum.' He's silent for a while, but starts talking again as you're walking down the stairs. 'I'm sorry.' He calls out to you.

You stop in your tracks and take in a deep breath. You walk back up to Harry and go into the owlery with him as he takes a note from Sirius' owl.

'What about?' You ask. There's nothing that he has done, why would he be apologizing?

'About class. Draco and I got you into trouble. And also you've been really distant lately. Cedric said you won't come out of your room and I notice you're not at dinner half of the time, or breakfast or lunch for that matter. Do you want to talk about it? I may not know what to say, but I am a good listener.'

You feel tears fall down your cheeks and you burry yourself in Harry's chest, not wanting him to see. He wraps his arms around you and just holds you while you cry.

'Is it me?' He asks after you calm down.

You just shake your head.

'I don't know what to do anymore.' You say with your voice shaking. 'I.. I feel numb a lot. I'll look out a window and feel an urge to jump, or when I'm alone, I just wish I would stop breathing.' You start crying again, forcing your words out. 'I don't know how to explain it, but I'll just get an urge, half the time I'll do something without realizing I done it until after I done it.' You fall to the floor crying.

Harry picks you up and takes you out of the owlery and you both just go for a walk while you tell him everything. He tells you to take your time.

'After my dad died, I got depression. And for some reason this year, it's worse. I can't control how I feel or what I do. I have nothing to be sad about, but sometimes, it wins and lately, I feel like it's beaten me.'

Harry puts his arm around your waist and pulls you close. You both walk in silence until you find a bench to sit down at, and you continue.

'I feel like I've given up and I just want to give up. I just, don't want to do this anymore, this... life.' You can't help but you start crying again. No matter how hard you try to hide it, it just comes out. 'There's absolutely nothing for me here, nothing. Hermonie won't even really talk to me right now, I swear Ron hates me, Cedric is basically bipolar ever since he got into the tournament, Malfoy's tormenting me... The only good thing right now is you, and I've been pushing you away.'

'Wait, Malfoy?' Harry says shockingly.

'Obviously. I'm a 'mudblood,' a Hufflepuff, friends with you, Hermonie and Ron. Why else would he do this? I'm a great target for him.' You stop and think for a moment. 'Harry, I haven't told anyone this and I didn't plan on it, but since I just need to get everything off my chest, I'm going to tell you.'

You tell him everything. You tell him about running into Malfoy after he turned into a ferret, the boathouse, the Slytherin common room, your feelings and anything else you can think of. He doesn't say anything and you just cry even more. You feel pathetic letting Malfoy do this to you.

'(y/n) you know I hate Malfoy, he isn't good in any way. You know this. But, I know you can't help who you have feelings for, no one can. It's like your depression, it's something you can't control and that's okay. But,' he pauses and takes a deep breath, 'you can control if you leave or not. And I don't want you to leave. I know Cedric doesn't, Hermonie doesn't and I know your mum definitely doesn't want you to.'

You lay your head on his shoulder. After this point, you cry the hardest you have in a long time. You turn into him and hug him, letting yourself be truly vulnerable. Something you've been needing to do for a while now. It feels good.

Harry wraps his arms around you and pulls you into a tight hug.

'I'll always be here (y/n).. always.'