HONESTLY

Strength

I nervously waited for Nate to pick up his phone. After the third ring came and went, I heard something. It sounded like dead air, almost like he had disconnected the call or sent me straight to voicemail, but then he spoke.

"Why did you leave?" he asked, repeating the same question he had texted me.

The fake concern in his voice made my heart ache for the friend I thought I'd known, and the man I thought I'd love forever.

"You know why, Nate," I replied in a monotone voice.

"Nick, we've been down this road before. Can you please just be straight with me!" he pleaded.

"Be straight with you? You're the one who destroyed our entire relationship with one phone call."

"Unbelievable, you really think I'd do that to you? To us?" he asked.

If I was still that naïve girl, way back when, in the treehouse, I might've actually believed he was sincere.

"Was that one of the phone calls you had to make last weekend? You were spilling everything to the paparazzi?" I asked, trying to hold back my emotions.

"You're not making any sense," he said.

"I think we're beyond the lies, Nate. Please, I saw you being interviewed. You're obviously loving every minute of this," I said, unable to keep my emotions in check as I cried into the phone.

"They cut and pasted. They manipulated everything I said. That's what tabloids do."

"Phone records don't lie. Your name was on the call."

"It's just not true. I never called anyone, EVER," he said adamantly.

"I'm sorry I hurt you with the song, but this..."

My words trailed off. I was unable to continue speaking as my whole body trembled.

"It wasn't me. I LOVE YOU!" he said loud and direct. "You have to trust me, Nick," he said as his voice sounded softer, almost vulnerable.

I tried collecting myself as silence occurred on both ends of the phone. His words sunk into my brain as my tears continued, and I was still unable to speak.

"Nick, are you still there?" he questioned.

"I don't want to ever see you again," I said, finally finding the courage to voice the words I knew I had to say.

I pulled the phone away from my ear and ended the call without waiting to hear his response or excuses.

Even though the sun shined bright, I misjudged the October air as I tried warming myself up with my jean jacket. I held the front closely together with one of my hands, trying to cover my flimsy t-shirt underneath as I carefully stepped on the wet grass in the cemetery. As I walked towards my mother's granite headstone, I held freshly picked sunflowers from my father's garden in my other hand.

I stopped, front and center, staring down at her name etched so finely into the stone. At times, I was unable to fully come to terms with her death. My visits had been sporadic, because of that fact alone. Other times, like this particular day, I needed my mother.

I slowly knelt down and placed the bouquet of sunshine in front of her stone. As I stood up again, I took my hand and brushed off some grass clippings that had accumulated on the engraved dates of her birth and death.

I stared at my mother's name as I took a deep breath.

"Hi mom," I said softly, "I know it's been a little while."

I paused as guilt formed in my stomach. I hadn't visited since before the album was released.

"You probably know, my life is sort of a disaster right now," I said honest and to the point, "I'm sure you know about Nate and I."