HONESTLY

Bitter

I stared, probably a thousand times, at the email with Nate's name signed at the bottom. My gut reaction was to selfishly send a check to my alma mater and forgo the personal visit and the trip down memory lane, but Walt would not accept that plan.

"I think the timing works out great. We can let some of the press know about your trip. I mean, this is where your career started. You'll be back in your hometown a week before the release of the album. I don't think you could get much better publicity than that kid," he enthusiastically said.

Lily and I sat in a large conference room surrounded by glass, which overlooked downtown Nashville. Walt stood in front of us pacing back and forth contemplating all the moving parts of my visit. 

As Walt continued with his long list of detailed plans, Reed appeared out of nowhere in the hallway outside the room and nonchalantly stopped at the door. Walt noticed his presence and waved him in. 

 As Reed walked in, he discreetly snuck a smile my way which made my heart sink just a little. 

Then, I felt like my face started to turn beet red with guilt at our little secret.

Lily glanced over at me.

"What's wrong?" she whispered.

"Nothing." I shook my head, "Just the whole thought of going home has me frazzled."

Lily accepted my explanation, I mean, it was half-true.

Walt greeted Reed with a handshake as my semi-boyfriend glanced over at us.

"Hello ladies," he beamed.

"Nice to see you, Reed," Lily said professionally, but underneath, I could tell she was still in awe of his looks, like most were every time they saw him.

"Hi," I mumbled, pretending to be unfazed by his surprise appearance.

"Nicky and I are just wrapping up our meeting. She's going back to her hometown," Walt declared.

"Oh,  really..." Reed said with an inquisitive tone.

Hours before, I spoke with Reed, and I had failed to tell him, yet again, about the trip I had planned.

"She's putting on a concert, raising funds for her old high school music department," he said proudly, then he followed up, "and it's perfect timing, leading up to the second album. Two birds with one stone, charity and good publicity all wrapped up in a nostalgic trip home. Can't beat that."

As Walt walked back towards the end of the table to collect his notes, Reed glanced over at me. 

His eyes were wide and confused. Why was he just finding out about the trip?

After that day, I avoided meeting up with  Reed. As a musician himself, he understood the craziness of finishing up an album, and the subsequent lead up to more press, which automatically brought a focus on your public and private life. I used the lack of privacy as an excuse to not see Reed.

The whole situation, the song, the album, the email, and Reed seemed too much to deal with. I had to keep reliving the past over and over for a month leading up to the visit, which started to become too real as the days went by.

One night when Reed called, I couldn't keep it together any longer.

"I didn't tell you about my visit home, because I didn't want to hurt you or ruin what we just started. You deserve better. I think we should take a break and step back until I get back home," I said slightly emotional.

Reed was always consistent and his reaction was just that.

"Whatever you have to deal with, I get it. You should've just told me we were going too fast. I'm a big boy, I can handle it. You know, I'm your biggest fan. Nothing will change that," he said as sweet as he could, which made me feel even worse.