From Dusk Till Dawn

Chapter Eight

 On Sunday, we went to church. In the past year, Amy and I had grown too busy to go to church. I'm not using any excuses don't get me wrong. The thing is, that even on Sundays, our days off, we would be stuck in our studio all day finishing up some work. From the uncountable things that drew me to Amy was her passion for painting. It was not just something we were good at; it was something we lived for. Painting was always a sweet escape that took our pain away and brought us to the safest oblivion, it's the hug you need after a breakdown. The hands that wipe away your tears when you can't help but cry. It's innocuous safe heaven on Earth. Despite that, Amy and I didn't want to just take from painting. We wanted to give it our all. We wanted to return the favor and create paintings that will always be a reminder of how pure art is. It's, to us, a way of resembling all life aspects beautifully. An untouched beauty that can only grow more consequential as the years pass. Our time was mostly consumed by painting. The smell of turpentine was the most familiar to our nostrils, it was something we had to smell every day that we somehow grew fond of.

Other than being busy, Amy and I went regularly to church. Before I knew Amy, my visits to church were not as regular, though. I used to go there with my parents and after my dad died, mum kept on attending and took me along with her. After high school, my visits started to lessen and I would always sleep in every Sunday. Year after year, I kind of drifted off completely. However, praying was not a foreign thing to me, I still prayed a lot. I always knew despite my dereliction my prayers were still worthy. I remember when I was still getting to know Amy, I prayed a lot for us to get closer. When we were close enough, I prayed that we never part. When I wanted to spend the rest of my life by her side, I prayed that her parents would agree to my request. And my prayers were answered. I wanted her so much that I knew we will eventually end up together. I believed in our love, in us, with all the faith in my heart. My faith in us was greater than any obstacle in this world.

Amy on the other hand never missed a Sunday without going to church. It was a family thing that lasted even after she and Ellie moved out. When we got married, we all used to go together as one family. Amy, her parents, and sister alongside my mother and I. Slowly Amy and I fell behind. Ellie as well became busy with her studying. Our parents were the only ones who went and that was how my mother and Mrs. Collins became friends. After a year of abandoning the church, we finally made it back. Ellie was not there that day, but my mum and the Collins were. Ellie was always absent from most of the family gatherings. She was two years older than Amy. The differences between her and Amy weren't just from the outside, but from the inside as well. Amy was a green-eyed with light brown hair and fair skin. She had a bubbly personality at the same time was wiser than a monk. She worshipped her family and always craved that feeling of belongingness. For someone who was never close to anyone in his life, I longed for that feeling. To trust someone fully and consider them my whole family. Amy gave me that. My mother was something I thanked my lucky stars for every day, but she was always busy with work. I used to accompany her to church because it was the only time I got to see her. After having to work with her in the same place, sometimes I barely saw her. And when I did, we barely talked. Over the years I realized that my mum was more passionate about her job than any other thing. I started to question whether she had forgotten the feeling of letting the vibes of art take your worries away. That made Amy my most favored family. Ellie, however, was less extroverted. I'm not a people person either, but she is way quieter than I am. She was a few centimeters taller than Amy with jet black hair. They shared the same green eyes but Ellie's skin was paler. She was more serious most of the time, though pretty understanding. I don't remember ever seeing her judge anyone. She admired her studies and was always curious about learning more things. I admired that about her; we all did. She was unique in her own way. And smart too. All her devotion was for science. Her love life was as nonexistent as my social life. This made Mrs. Collins worried that her daughter may spend her whole life in her science bubble and forget to get married and have a family of her own. You can imagine how it goes in the family gatherings. Mrs. Collins would not stop nagging Ellie and the girl would end up storming off without a goodbye to any of us. It was always like that. By the time Mrs. Collins finally learned how to hold her tongue, it was too late and Ellie had had enough. She still managed to keep in touch with her parents though, but she knew when to escape the conversation before any unnecessary subject would be brought up. Ellie's relationship with Amy and I was the complete opposite. She was more comfortable around us for Amy and I always knew better than to interfere in Ellie's life. I owed her as well since she was the only member of the family who didn't object to my relationship with Amy. She was never the one to criticize, and even though Mr. Collins was strongly judgmental –that's why he despised me—his nature never made any barriers between him and Ellie. Amy too was close to him in a way.

The Collins were all beautifully close with each other, despite their ups and downs as any normal human family. When Amy and I first arrived at the church, the way Mr. Collins held his wife as they sat side by side was heartwarming. I secretly wished that my marriage stays as true as theirs. I had witnessed moments in my parents' marriage where I realized their love was long gone. Before dad passed away, I sometimes felt that he and mum were just going on with their lives. If he wasn't dead, they would've been divorced years ago, I'm sure. Their drifting away before my eyes as a child made me owe it to myself to have a happy family, like the Collins. This, I wanted to have with Amy. I looked at her as we approached where our parents were sitting. She walked beside me, clutching to my arm and holding her white cane with her other hand. Her eyes were cast earthward and her hair in a low bun. She wore an ankle-length, maroon dress that I picked for her. Her flat shoes were nude color to go with the dress—my pick too. I knew nothing about fashion but when it came to matching colors, I was a professional. It's my job after all. Being oblivious to my intent stare on her, Amy kept her face straight and her brows were to some extent pulled together as she concentrated on walking without tripping or falling. Her feet moved carefully on the carpeted floor. The place smelled like candles and a familiar scent of musty prayer books lingered in the air. She was enchanting. I was dressed neatly in dress- pants and a shirt tucked in them. Trying to look my best. As we walked side by side, arms intertwined, under the chandelier light that sheltered every inch in the place and reflected on the encaustic glass windows, just then at that moment I realized that even after decades when she's old and grey; when she's no longer beautiful even, I will still want to spend eternity with her. If I have only one day—one second even left in my life, I'll always choose to spend it with her. Only then I realized that in her arms is my safe place; in her smile is my security and in those blind eyes, lies my happiness.

I knew that all along and I knew my feelings for Amy long ago, but that day somehow, I knew what it honestly meant. I realized that in all those years despite the fights and disagreements we've had, all the trouble with her parents, it was all nothing compared to the situation we were in. Nothing had ever tested our relationship and faith in each other like Amy's accident.

The Collins and my mum greeted us with smiles and we sat on two spots beside them. The three of them were watching us as I helped Amy sit down. The expressions I saw were of people wanting to help, yet scared to make her feel disabled. But I was glad they decided to stay in place. I held Amy's hand in mine the whole time and fiddled with her fingers to keep my mind busy. The strange thing was what occupied my mind at the time. Seeing the Collins resembling joyous marriage and us, Amy and I, an example of a young loving couple. I wondered then if mum felt in any way like a fifth wheel. To me, she was not. She was definitely not an extra person to any of us, but then again, she had been without a partner for so long. I doubted that dad had even fulfilled her emotional needs. She never showed any interest in any man. Her career was her life partner. But was she too busy in her job to find time for partners, or was she intentionally keeping herself busy to run away from her loneliness?

Out of the corner of my eyes, I glanced at my mum and she caught me. A small smile tugged on her lips when her eyes met mine. I returned the smile and tried to push my thoughts at the back of my mind. The visit to the church was pretty much all that we did that day. We spent some time with the rest of the family at the Collins' house. After we've had lunch together, though, we had to leave. I offered to give mum a ride home but she didn't want to leave her car. Us and mum, each drove in separate directions back home. Again my mind started to wander back to my mum and how she was really doing. On the car ride, I held Amy's hand in mine the whole time feeling soothed by her delicate touch against my rougher skin.