From Dusk Till Dawn

Chapter Sixteen

 Out of all people, it shouldn't have been me, who disappoints her. I was supposed to be the one who stands by her side when people let her down. A part of me was hoping that I would find Amy in days' time. But it didn't happen. A whole month I have been searching for her everywhere I knew. Ellie was with me all the time, helping me throughout the whole thing. She even stood up to her parents when they blamed me for what happened. This whole month I didn't go to work, I didn't paint, I didn't even shave. I searched in hospitals and hotels. I went to all of her friends even the ones she lost contact with years ago. Even the ones I didn't even know about. Ellie told me about all the people Amy knew but none knew a thing about her. One full month with the days looking exactly the same. I became a mess not knowing what to do. Mum stayed with me some nights but it was never enough. Nothing was ever enough without Amy's embrace surrounding me and pulling me in her heavenly calmness. My loneliness was killing me and even Peanut wasn't there anymore to keep me company. If somehow that was what I deserved, I accept it. But I only wanted to know Amy was alright. I understood that she maybe didn't want to see me anymore but I wanted to know she was fine. I wanted to know she was safe.

By the end of that month, I had lost hope. All I could do was lay on the bed in my terrible state not talking to anyone nor doing a thing. That month became two and still no sign of Amy. Her birthday passed on the 15th of October and I couldn't even get to wish her a happy birthday. I couldn't spend that day with her like we used to. I didn't watch her grow that extra year. I didn't get to see if another wrinkle made its way on her smooth skin. It all made me depressed in a way I never thought possible. I had lost so much weight in those two months but I couldn't care less about myself. All I needed was Amy. My homeland and my savior. But she wasn't there and I was nothing without her. I had no energy in me to do anything. I had nothing inside of me and the void was awfully painful. I didn't want anyone to ask me if I was alright. I didn't want anyone to tell me I should get a hold of myself. I didn't want anyone to remind me they were there for me. I only wanted them to either leave me alone or get me my Amy back. I felt that death was closer to me than finding Amy and somewhat I welcomed it. In a million parallel universes, I would always pick death than living without her. I could easily tell that it was the hardest time of my life. I woke up in fear every day – if I ever get any sleep in the first place. I was ready to give my all and a bit more just to see Amy again and hear her musical voice again. The thought that I was too late, was a demon consuming my mind in a way I could not bear. Five more days passed with my mum visiting every day to stay for as long as her schedule allows her to. Ellie on the other hand would make me food and make sure I ate at least one bite, but sometimes all her attempts to make me eat or even shower were completely useless. I would see a flash of guilt in her eyes and I never knew why. Until she told me what it was all about.

"Can you stop beating yourself up about it? I'm sure we're closer to finding her." She urged. "We won't. She doesn't want to be found. She doesn't want me anymore." I mumbled in my pillow. Ellie was sitting at the edge of my bed looking as neat and beautiful as she does every other day. As if all was peachy with her. I on the other hand had let my beard grow longer and my hair messier with unclean clothes and a body that hadn't been washed in so many days. "Travis, Amy's not fine without you. She's safe, but not fine." Ellie admitted. My eyes slowly met hers and when Ellie cast her face downward, my heart skipped a beat.

"What did you say?" My voice was hoarse from not speaking much in days. I wanted to get up but I was afraid that I might have misunderstood her or perhaps I was hallucinating. I wasn't. "I know where she is," Ellie spoke with a voice barely audible as if she knew she wasn't supposed to tell me this.