From Dusk Till Dawn

Chapter Fifteen

I didn't get any sleep. I stayed on the sofa all the time with my eyes fixed at the door waiting for Amy to open it at any moment. She didn't, though. All night I sat with my dark thoughts and regret. All the things I could have done but didn't do, crept up to me making my head hurt from all the negative thoughts. I couldn't even think of a specific place where she could go. My vision was blurry and my mind was hazy.

The next morning Ellie came as she promised. Amy on the other hand didn't come. Ellie spent the whole day with me trying to get me to eat something but even eating was too much of an effort to be made. At midday, Ellie asked me what had happened. I was waiting for her to bring that up, for the best thing to do was to keep reminding myself that I was a jerk to the sweetest woman I've ever known. "I don't want to interfere, but can you at least tell me what happened between you two?" Ellie had asked the question politely but her eyes held so much curiosity. I told her everything. All that had happened the other day and even before that. How that all that time I was not there for her like I always promised and how realizing all of this had somehow confused me and made me act in a way toward Amy that was more of sympathy than love. How Amy hated the way I made her feel pathetic and how I made it seem like I was pitying her. How I blew everything up and ruined a relationship that was everything I ever asked for. Ellie listened to every word I spoke and observed my every move. Letting it all out did not help me at all. The more I spoke, the more my body ached. Guilt was consuming my every thought and it was not an easy feeling to deal with. When I finished venting to Ellie she remained silent. In a state like this, she knew I wouldn't bear any more criticism or blame yet we both knew she can't lie to my face and say it was not my fault. Ellie made more phone calls to Amy's friends asking them about her and no one knew where she was. My panic was rising with each passing second alongside with my guilt. If any harm happened to Amy, I would never in a million years forgive myself. Ellie held my hand as a way of support, "We'll find her, just try to calm down," She had told me as I gave her the most pathetic look. I was on the verge of tears. Or probably I was crying already. When the doorbell rang I jumped from my chair at the thought that it could be Amy. Ellie gave me a gleeful look and I rushed to the door. When I opened it was my mum and my face fell when I saw her. When she saw me on the other hand, the concerned look on her face turned into a more concerned look. "I've been calling you all day, what happened and why didn't you show up at work?" My mum's voice filled the house as I walked to plop down on the sofa beside Ellie and mum was walking behind me. "Hey Mrs. Dawson," Ellie greeted my mother trying to politely show some enthusiasm. It kind of hit me that some things indeed run in the family. My mum was worried about me and called me many times yet she only came to check on me after her working hours were over. Just like I always wanted to give Amy the world but would always give my work more time than her. We both care for our loved ones but still manage to let other things consume us and thus we show no love at all but selfishness instead. What a terrific family we are!

"What's wrong? Where's Amy?" Mum asked us as she turned her gaze toward the kitchen where Peanut usually sleeps, "and where's Peanut?" Her tone wasn't of panic but curiosity. I bet she never could imagine that a situation like this would occur. The way Ellie and I sat on the sofa looking like two kids in trouble caused my mum to raise an eyebrow as her way of telling us 'I have no patience for this,' and indeed I told her that Amy had left. "She took her things and left? Are you being serious now, Travis?" My mum wasn't angry with me but her tone rose a bit and we all knew well she was worried about the fact that Amy was blind and having her leave like this meant she could be in danger. This fact terrified me to death. "Why didn't you call me?" Mum sat on a chair close to me and put her hand on my knee gently. "I don't know, Ellie came to my mind first," I shook my head slowly and for the millionth time suppressed my tears from falling. "Did you try calling her?" Mum asked. "She left her phone, clearly not wanting to be reached," I replied.
"How angry was she before she left?" That was my mum's way of asking me what the hell have I done to Amy but she always had her way with words to not make me feel guilty. "I don't know, we had a fight and I left for a walk," My face was in my hands as I recalled our fight. Things could have gone much smoother. Things could have ended in a much better way. I should've acted in a more civilized and caring way but all I thought about was how mad I was when the painting got ruined. A stupid painting made me belittle my wife. My spiritual mate and the woman I've been loving for years. Nothing made sense in the way I acted. I was angry for a long time. I was angry because all of a sudden I had so much to do and so much to take care of. I was angry because out of nowhere I realized I wasn't giving this relationship enough. I was selfish and even too selfish to see it. I was angry when I realized that my Amy might stay visionless forever. That the person I love most won't be able to do the things she loves anymore. I was angry because I saw people secretly pitying my wife, who is a strong and fierce person and I knew it hurt her to feel like this. I got even angrier when she assumed I was doing it too and changed her attitude toward me. All of this kept building up continuously. All of this was inside of me until I had no more space for it. Nonetheless, it is still not an excuse for what I did and what I said. Somehow I unintentionally keep adding up to the fact that I am a great jerk of a husband. Truth be told, Amy doesn't have to keep up with all of this and if she left me it is an understanding. But for the last time, I truly want to be the most selfish person and find her even if she doesn't want to be found. For one last time, I want to only think about myself and get her to come back. Amy is all I have and all I ever wanted. Without Amy, nothing feels the same. I could spend the rest of my life painting and nothing would fill the void I have in me without her by my side. Amy never needed someone to make her whole and I used to believe how that love isn't what completes us. That it is more logical for us to feel whole first then we look for someone to share ourselves with. This may apply to Amy but not to me. Only at that moment did I realize how empty I am without her and it had only been less than 24 hours. I am not whole, and Amy was the one who completes me. Every inch of my body aches to touch her; to hold her. Only she will fill me up again. Only she will reconnect the strings of my heart. Only she will turn my gloom into glee like she always does to everything around her. It was not only about falling in love with her but about her as a person. Throughout my life, I knew many who had been in love but I knew none who have had the same thing as I did with Amy. She's my precious darling and I have to prove it to her.

"What's the most thing you hate in people?" I remember asking her once as we were walking together one night. My hand held hers and it felt different from all the previous times because this time was after I proposed and she was wearing my ring. "That's quite random," she pointed out. "But I don't really know, what do you hate most in people?" She shot the question right back at me. Being less sociable than her I could easily make a huge list about many things I hate about people, but I settled with one thing. "I hate the fact that people find you weird when you can't express your emotions, yet find you too emotional when you do," I spoke honestly for this has always been my troubling issue with many people I knew. I was never the best in speaking out about how I feel it was only easier to do with Amy. Other than that I can get out of me to show someone how I care and I usually stop at that. Just showing them. But with words, I was the worst and it made me uncomfortable. I could easily be misjudged as a rude one but I never intended to. Amy tightened her grip around my hand, "I understand, but you see there will always be someone who'll misjudge you. There will always be an obstacle that will never budge no matter what we do and then you'll have to look for a different path to turn to." She spoke tenderly and turned her eyes to mine. "When someone keeps putting you in a frame that is not yours, just ignore them and leave as long as you know who you truly are." She continued and put a soft kiss on my cheek at the end of her words. I smiled. "You're right in this. What about you, though? There must be something you dislike," I pressed for an answer because even the sweetest people like Amy can dislike some actions as well. It's human nature after all. "I don't like the fact that we should think things through and filter our words before speaking; many people do that and expect you to do the same. Why can't we just get straight to the point and say what we truly want to say? Without sugarcoating and all."

"Hmmm...Coming from a shy person, " I teased. "I know I know, I get too shy to speak my mind most of the time but maybe it's because of the invisible barriers we put to ourselves as a society. That sugarcoating is a must, otherwise, you'll be seen as a rude person," She stated with a shrug and somehow her words seem to convince me. I didn't know then if it was because her words were reasonable or because her voice was so soothing to my ears and her gaze was warming my insides. I felt that I might just believe about anything she says just because it's her who said it. It was simply how smitten Amy got me. "But you know what I really really hate most about dealing with people?" She went on and I gave her an encouraging look to continue. "That you might get disappointed. I like to trust people around me because everyone deserves a chance, but when you put faith in someone and they suddenly snap and break your trust, it hurts so much. Sometimes even people change without you knowing why and some never tell you the reason leaving you wondering if it was something you did or if they just simply changed their minds. It hurts, you feel betrayed. Mere actions like belittling you or ignoring you for no reason feel like a betrayal to me because I usually refuse to see any bad in anyone. And not because I'm too good of a person but believe me when you decide to see the positive things, you become a better person with a better mindset and it's better than putting so many red lines because you're scared of people."

"Being cautious is never the same as being scared," I stated. "No," She replied. "We are cautious because we are scared of that thing. I don't fear people. Bad experiences are inevitable to happen and I'm only accepting this fact. It just gets tough sometimes but I don't have it in me to shut anyone out. Maybe it is the way I was raised, I don't really know. But I know I'm strong enough to bear all the outcomes. I just still hate the feeling of being forced to see the bad in people. When you get disappointed, this can't be unseen."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Again I agreed to her words but this time I was more than convinced. I felt and believed every single word she spoke. "I promise to never disappoint you, ever," I said to her and pulled her in a hug, planting a kiss o her forehead. "I'm sure you won't," She whispered as our lips met in a tender kiss that sent heat throughout my body.

That day, like many others, felt to me like we were the only people in the street and in the whole country. The only people on the planet even. It was how Amy make me feel all the time. And in return I made her feel belittled. I disappointed her. The memory of that night out was always a source of pleasure to my heart, now it only brought me more agony.