From Dusk Till Dawn

Chapter Fourteen

It was late in September and the autumn air was harsh on me as if trying to get revenge for Amy. It was late afternoon and the sun was barely visible.

I let Amy all by herself and went to clear my mind not knowing that again and for the millionth time, I only was thinking of myself and how I was feeling. I walked around the neighborhood for nearly an hour before I was far away from home. And by home I refer to Amy and not simply our house. Pictures of her pained face ran through my head. I never wanted to make her cry like that but then again, I never wanted to be the kind of husband I was. It struck me hard how that many people think they are doing it right while in fact, they were nothing but a huge failure. I thought I was the husband Amy deserved, that I was taking enough care of her. But turned out that I was taking more care of my job than her, despite working in the same place. I thought I was her safety while I was in return the reason for her uncertainty. She was, and still to this moment, flawless. I always knew she deserved to be treated with respect and admiration. How did I fail her like that? I couldn't even think of the many times she felt disappointed but didn't confront me. Perhaps that was the problem, that Amy always kept it to herself. She had a heart that was big enough to conquer the world, this I knew. But sometimes, if not always, our problems feel a little bit bigger than the world. Amy thought she could keep everything in a locked place deep in her heart, all my flaws and terrible mistakes, and bad decisions. She thought she ought to do it but she never had to. I should've carried my own burdens but I never gave it a second thought and believed we were the couple you would see in the movies. Amy was so good at keeping things bottled up that when she snapped I blamed her and took it the wrong way.

My legs started to hurt as another two or more hours passed. I wondered why I didn't get my car. I continued walking aimlessly watching people around me. How cruel is it from life to drag us away from our loved ones. And how dull of our souls to let us drift with a flow that isn't ours, to begin with. How did I let this happen? How did things turn out like this? What happened between Amy and me? I knew her blindness wasn't the reason, even though things were getting hard on me. Seemingly things were always hard on her and she kept swallowing all my mistakes and careless behaviors. I wondered then, what if this all didn't happen? The accident was a wake-up call to me. It caused her blindness but made me open my eyes to our reality. If the accident didn't occur and Amy had not lost the baby, how terrible of a father would I have been? I couldn't wrap my mind around it. If I was sure of anything in my life, it was my love for Amy. I had more faith in her than in anything or anyone else. Maybe my faith in her was too much that I somehow relied on her completely to balance our relationship. Maybe my faith in her was too much that I forgot to take part in fixing things as well. Maybe my faith was too much for her to handle that she had to pressure herself to push alone in this relationship and didn't want to confront me of the burdens I let her carry on her own. I stopped in my tracks knowing that at this moment my walking was not the only thing that stopped. But any kind of pressure and irrational behavior toward Amy would stop as well. I took the decision for real this time and everything in me planned on making it work. My past of carelessness and codependence speaks for itself but I decided that all of this will change. For my dear Amy. I brought a bouquet of her favorite flowers and took a taxi back home for I didn't want to take any longer. Only one thing was on my mind and it was to make things up with Amy in any possible way. It took about thirty minutes back home, but it felt to me like thirty years. Under the now darker sky, I rushed to the house and opened the door eager to see Amy and nervous about her reaction. My heart was beating from both excitement and worry. In my heart, I knew our boundless love would get us through this together. No matter how hard the test is, Amy and I always pass anything because we we're simply us. We had a love that was much greater than all the obstacles in the world, or so I kept telling myself. I couldn't find Peanut when I opened the door and assumed he was with Amy somewhere in the house. Our bedroom was the first room I went in search for Amy but didn't find her. "Honey?" I called out about five times as I went through every room in the house including the bathrooms and the painting studio. She was nowhere in the house and neither was Peanut. She could've gone for a walk, I tried to convince myself as I felt my lungs tighten. I went back to our bedroom and opened the closet and her clothes were gone. She left me. My heart ached in a way I never experienced before. The flowers fell from my hand and my brain was frozen. As if somehow my processing slowed down, I stood in front of the closet letting the sight sink in. Not knowing what to do, I found myself running outside looking for any trace of her. I ran until I reached the end of the street before realizing what I was doing is useless. If she left, she probably left hours ago and I knew it was impossible to follow her. Running back to the house, I felt scared of the idea of losing her. My Amy. My homeland. It was all my fault and at some point, she was going to snap anyways. I phoned Ellie because I knew no one would help me with this but her. I let Amy down big time and this was like no other time before.

"Can you speak slowly? What's wrong?" Ellie tried to calm me on the phone as my words came out horrified and unclear. Slowly, I told her what happened and tried to catch my breath between words. "Maybe she's out for a walk or just in the neighborhood," Ellie said. "She took her stuff," I said with tears on my face. I pulled at my head as if trying to get the negative thoughts out. "Oh?" Was all I got from Ellie. "What should I do? I need to find her Ellie, please,"

On the other side of the line, Ellie stayed silent for seconds that felt like a lifetime before she spoke. "Alright, I'm coming over in an hour and we'll figure something out, I promise." She attempted to assure me in vain and we hung up. An hour and a half later, Ellie arrived. I was numb by that time. Somehow I realized what had happened but at the same time, it did not fully sink in. I still had all the hope in the world that things would return back to normal in no time, yet I saw many obstacles in the way. My heart was aching. The thought of losing my Amy was terrible. In my chest, the pain was so powerful that it was becoming scary. All my body was numb from outside. While my insides were crumbling. My chest was empty of any air yet I was still breathing and I did not know how. My eyes were burning from my tears and my hands were weak and trembling. A heavy weight was unbearable on my chest and I felt awfully helpless. Ellie didn't help much and she even seemed to take it all with some kind of peace. She was worried at first but when she knew Peanut was probably with Amy for he was gone too, she grew calmer. It looked easier for her though, for Mr. and Mrs. Collins would only blame me for what happened that was for sure. Ellie suggested that we do not tell her parents anything until tomorrow if Amy didn't come back. "I'll just casually call them and if she's there I'm sure mum would tell me eventually," Ellie had said and indeed she called Mrs. Collins and I sat impatiently waiting for any emotion to show up on her face but she kept a poker face all the time. The conversation seemed to flow casually indeed asking about life and how everyone was doing and all. There was no mention of Amy at all. After the call ended, traces of worry started to creep up Ellie's face and I realized that she was probably only trying to hide her fear so that I can stay calm as well. We both stayed until it was only before midnight and Ellie then excused herself to leave. She was not obliged to stay with me, she has her own life after all. "Are you going to be alright?" She had asked at last before leaving and I barely nodded at her. "Just get some sleep and I'll be here in the morning." With that, she was gone.