From Dusk Till Dawn

Chapter Twelve

At the hospital, Mr. Collins had said some things about looking for another doctor. But words remain words. Helpless words that he spoke to convince himself and us that it was fixable. Even when we all knew it wasn't. By the time I pulled over at our house, my emotions were a rage. I was hurting to see Amy so blue. I was angry to know the doctors couldn't help. I was frustrated when I realized that no one can fix what broke in her. My Amy, my homeland, my only safe place was now wrecked. I wanted to hit a wall so hard until my knuckles bleed, but I knew it wouldn't help in a million years. Even after the car stopped, Amy's head was still on the glass window resting, as if oblivious to the fact that the car stopped moving. I waited for any sort of reaction to come out of her, but she stayed unmoving. For the second time I tried reaching for her hand but this time she pulled it away before I could touch her. Her hand searched for her seatbelt to remove it. "Here, let me help you," I swiftly reached for her seatbelt. "Don't .." She tried but I had already undone the seatbelt by then. Her eyebrows furrowed lightly making me confused. In my defense, I was trying to help her and I didn't see why she looked upset with my actions. I got out of the car and rushed to her door to help her open it but she was quicker than me. With a bit of a struggle, she managed to open her door and tried to stand up. I reached for her arm to help her but she pulled away with force. "Can you just not," She said through gritted teeth. I took a step back not knowing what to do, it was a feeling that became so familiar to me lately. With difficulty, Amy stood up and balanced herself. I budged to help her but hesitated back. A lot was on my mind, a lot I wanted to say to her but the words remained imprisoned in my mouth. Amy's fury was to be sensed from afar. It was growing by the moment. She made it to the front door of the house. I was walking beside her ready to catch her if anything caused her to trip or fall, especially that her cane wasn't with her. The poor girl thought she won't be using it anymore but little did she know. "Can you just calm down? I remember the way, Travis," She almost snapped at some point and I didn't even know how she knew I was panicking or how she felt my movements. "I'm sorry, I just..." I couldn't find words to explain how I felt and she somehow didn't look like she was waiting for any. When I opened the front door, Peanut came running to us but stopped midway and sat right at the spot like has sensed Amy's anger. "Can you talk to me?" I had spoken softly to her. All I wanted was to take the pain away. She started by shaking her head from side to side. "I can't really put it into words, I'm tired and frustrated. You know I'm not mad at you but I just need some time," She had said with a tone of voice and an expression that made it clear she was indeed angry with me and just trying to hide it. For the record, that day was one of the worst days after the day of Amy's accident. She was grumpy all day and closed up on me completely. I was willing to give her the space she needed but patience was never a trait of mine. I was keen to know how long will that space be compulsory. She barely spoke and didn't eat the whole day. She went to shower the first thing and said she didn't need my help. For that I let her but I couldn't keep my worry in a leash. I kept my ear pressed to the white bathroom door all the time to make sure I hear her if anything goes wrong. I heard her wince twice before turning the water faucet on. As she continued I heard a few ouch's and it was taking everything in me not to open the door. Even upon hearing what I assumed was the shampoo bottle collide with the floor, I didn't get inside. When the water sound came to a stop, I promptly ran to the bed and pretended to be looking through my phone for when she gets out. Another thud was heard from the bathroom alongside some ruffling and minutes later she was out in her bathrobe. I cleared my throat to let her know I was there. It was a bit dim of me, though. "That was completely uncalled for, I know you're here already," She had said nonchalantly before joining me on the bed. Her hair was damp with water and drops were raining on the bed mattress. "Sweetheart,... " I turned to her eager to start a conversation just to know what was happening in her mind. "Later, please," was all she responded with before tucking herself beneath the sheets with her wet hair dripping and bathrobe on. For the rest of the day, she stayed asleep. For the rest of the day, I didn't get to talk to her at all. For the rest of the day, I started to wonder whether she was tired or avoiding me. Nighttime approached and I was starving. Not knowing what to eat, I got some leftovers from the fridge and ate the food without even heating it. I sat on the kitchen floor eating with Peanut slouching beside me. He had eaten earlier and was as upset as I was. I wondered for a while what I would be doing without Peanut in my life. I have been spending many days without Amy and he was there all the time. It was Amy's idea to get a dog. She had said how loyal and pure they are and I believed her. I always loved dogs but never had the push to get one before Amy suggested we do. "I just don't know what to do anymore," I mumbled to Peanut. He snuggled his head against me. It was his way of saying that I didn't screw up. It was a moment we had had many times before. "Do you think I should wake her up and talk to her?" He tilted his head and arooed in a way that sounded like a no. "What should I do then?" I asked him. My lovely friend of a dog hopped up and went outside the kitchen. About two minutes after he came back with his leash between his teeth. He gave it to me. For a second I translated his actions as his need to go on a walk. As I stood up, I processed that I as well need a long calm walk to clear my mind. "That is a brilliant idea, buddy," I praised him as I connected the leash to his blue-collar. We did walk around the neighborhood until it was past midnight. I left a note at the fridge and wrote to Amy that we went for a walk and will be back in a few. Then I removed it and tore it down remembering that Amy won't be able to read it anyways. The streets were dimly lit. The autumn breeze accompanied us on our walk. Leaflets were clustered underneath the trees. It was Amy's favorite time of the year. Autumn. I grew to strongly love it too. The way I see it, it is a season of preparation for new beginnings. Leaves change colors, framing the trees with shades of orange, red, and brownish-yellow. When the wind decides to blow, the leaves fall down as if the trees are finally letting go. The way leaves fall like colorful rain on the green grass adding another colorful layer on earth, makes my heart flutter for the beauty of nature. Winter then comes to let the snow wash the trees clean before finally, new leaves can grow to cover up the branches again. Like autumn is the blow that removes any unnecessary connections in a way so mesmerizing. Peanut too loved autumn in a way that seemed worshipping. He never seems pleased with anything more than the piles of leaves. Indeed as we walked he didn't let a single pile of leaves pass without throwing himself on it. He'd always keep rolling around on the leaves with his tongue out until the pile is just a messed up mass of leaflets. I enjoyed my walk with Peanut and almost, almost, forgot the buzz on my mind. The fact that the air after midnight smells different from the rest of the day was something I never understood but appreciated deeply. Night air always smelt of comfort mixed with something else that I couldn't quite put my hand on. I didn't know if it was true or just my imagination. But I have always felt this way since I was a little kid. The smell always made my heart beat faster and I always felt a rush of adrenaline. In the dark streets of the night with the blowing wind roving around, I felt a soft tug at the strings of my heart. It was always a consoling one, though. Not a single human was passing by in the street. Only Peanut's parks and me hushing him were the only sounds to be heard alongside the ruffling of wind against the trees. I looked at my watch to see it was 01:30 AM and assumed Amy would be awake by now. "Time to get back, bud," I had said to Peanut and he tried to tug at the leash wanting to wander the neighborhood for more time. He never gets tired of walking and that was how we both got along well for it was a common thing between us. We changed the route and headed home. When we reached there, I opened the door knowing I would find Amy awake. But she wasn't. When I went to our bedroom, she was still asleep and I wondered if she had woke up at all. I doubted it though, for nothing in the house seemed different from when I left. Even her sleeping position was unchanged. She hugged her knees to her chest as if they were all she had left. She looked like she was trying to hold herself together, literally, otherwise, she will break and shatter into the tiniest pieces. Her hair was dryer, or so it seemed. And her pillow seemed darker from the water it had swallowed from her thick hair. I sat on the bed and again, I debated if she was surely asleep or just avoiding me. But what on Earth have I ever done to make her ignore me, I wondered. Thoughts raced in my mind until at one point my head started to throb. At that, I had no better option than going sleeping it all off. I took a quick shower then changed my clothes and headed to bed. I was careful not to scoot too close to Amy to not wake her up, in case she was asleep. And to not infuriate her in case she was awake.