[ Architecture of a Heart ] - WooSan

Chapter 16

TW : panick attack

Wooyoung wasn't expecting this. Or maybe, deep down, he was. In fact, maybe the thought was nagging at the back of his head since he had been given that assignment. Maybe he choose to silence it when San invited him to his apartment, before he left and after he came back, knowing how much time he was losing. Maybe he ignored the sirens blaring in his head when he accepted to sleep over at Yunho's house and they stayed up way too late talking together. And definitely, he shouldn't have spent so much time with his mind drifting towards soft skin and warm touches.

But maybe, maybe all of those were nothing more than excuses. Maybe.

The only thing he knew was that the model in front of him on his desk was not ready to be presented, and probably never will. It was wrong on so many levels. He had nothing to defend it. Nothing to defend himself. He tried to save it, but his mind had been blank for weeks. It was like he had never heard of architecture in his life. Nothing worked. References, books, moodboards, even music or a walk outside. He knew he could do better than this. But could he, really ?

In the darkness of his apartment, he put his hands on the plinth. All he had to do was to take it, bring it to his classroom, and then let the judgmental looks wash over him. Let everything happen and not feel anything, because he knew they were right and he couldn't allow himself to feel how right they were.

Securing his grip, he lifted the light structure. Shaky hands, shaky breath. He just had to do this, and then it would be over. Well, not exactly. Then would come the discussions between students, and the reviews, and the teacher would pull him aside, like he had done before, to explain to him that there was a world beyond college, and that if he didn't have what it takes to make it there, then he should seriously reconsider his career choices.

His jaw shut tight, he went all the way to the door before his legs froze. Fingers digging into the cardboard, he willed himself to keep going. He had to. It wasn't nice, but it was the result of his work, his responsibility, whether he liked it or not. He had to do it. All of it. Go to class, look at the other, better projects, get a miserable mark, see written with ink on paper just how much of a failure he was-

The base snapped in half, pierced by his knee. He stood there, leg up and whitened knuckles holding the bent plinth, the walls on it mostly intact as if to mock him. He threw it on the floor, more and more enraged by his resistance when the roof didn't collapse. Any other day it would have shattered with a little breeze, but this time, this time it was made of steel ?! He stomped brutally on it, destroying everything he could, blinded by his emotions, furious that it wouldn't cease to exist faster, that a wall was still there, that the staircase-

"Wooyoung ? Are you okay ?"

A soft knock on his door. Of course, San was there, waiting for him in the hallway. Of course he would hear that. Of course.

"I'M FINE !" he screamed, smashing what was left of his model against the wall.

The pieces finally fell apart, undone, but he could still recognize every part that took him hours to craft. It wasn't fine. He wasn't fine. He collapsed on himself, head between his knees, heaving. This wasn't supposed to happen again. Not supposed to, not fine, not fine. His hands crept up to the back of his head, tugging at his hair to try and ignore the erratic breathing, the tears, the pain on a throat full of restrained wails.

"Wooyoung, what's wrong ? Can I come in ?" said the muffled voice, worried.

He flinched at the sound, falling against the wall, away from the door, a pitiful whimper escaping from his quivering lips before he blocked his breathing again. He didn't want someone to come in and see him like this. He didn't want to be like this. Not again. Forcing himself to straighten up a little, he inspired sharply and slapped himself. Hard. The stinging stunned him for a couple of seconds, and he thought it was the peace he was looking for, but an ugly sob ripped through his throat and he braced himself against the wall not to go down again.