All Things Mortal! (The Cruel Prince One shots/Fanfic)

Chapter 2 : You do not eat toothpaste!

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the 'Cardan reacts to all things mortal' show!" Cardan says, making an overly extravagant bow. "This is your host, Cardan Greenbriar and as always accompanied by my over protective queen, Jude Duarte!"

He alone claps at me and I feel my cheeks heat as I slightly bend my head, as a welcome, and also to hide the blush creeping up my cheeks.

"Well today, my most annoying High King, I have something weird for you," I tell him, taking a seat on the chair beside him, "Today you are going to be reacting to ..." I grin at him as he lifts his eyebrows in anticipation, "Toothpaste!"

"Really? What is this toothpaste? Is it a paste for your teeth?" I nod and get up to go get the small toothpaste container from the side, and hand it to Cardan, who aggressively tears up the box with his long nails.

He holds up the small tube and smirks. "Toothpaste, To keep your teeth pearly white till they fall!" he reads from the tube, "This is not a good way to motivate people into buying toothpaste."

I sigh and explain to him, "As we mortals do not have such ... white teeth, and as our breath cannot stay minty fresh forever like the Fae, we have invented toothpaste."

Cardan grins widely at me, showing off his, what I can only call perfect, set of teeth and hands the tube to me, "How does one operate this toothpaste, Jude darling?"

"The process is not complicated, and I think the High King of Elfhame can figure this out by himself," I cough pointedly, "Unlike phones."

Cardan scowls at me and quickly snatches the toothpaste from my hand. He turns it around with his long fingers and tries to find an opening, then pulls at the red cap on the top of the paste with enough force that his face turns as red as the cap. He tries about a hundred different things on the poor toothpaste tube and then gives up. Sighing, he looks at me, "I give up, the toothpaste has defeated me." I laugh out loud, "You tried literally everything, save for stamping on the -" I stop as he places the tube on the floor and raises his leg.

"CARDAN NO!" I shout.

He brings his leg down.

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Jude shouts at me to stop but I bring my leg down. This mortal toothpaste will not get the best of me! As my leg contacts with the tube and I press down, the cap goes flying off and white, gooey looking stuff starts to squirt out of the tube, flying everywhere.

"Take that toothpaste!" I shout down at the squeezed up tube. I look up with a grin, hoping that Jude might be proud of me for defeating this stupid mortal thing. But as I spot Judes face, I know that I will get no compassion from there. Turns out, the tube of toothpaste was pointing towards her, and as she looks at me, eyes full of anger, face and dress splattered with toothpaste, I start to laugh.

"Do you know - you're - you're covered in - toothpaste!" I say between hacking laughs.

"No Cardan," she says coldly, "I didn't notice." I laugh even harder, "I'm - sorry, I - didn't mean to."

She growls at me, causing me to abruptly stop laughing and sit down. She gets a cloth from somewhere, wipes her face and dress and finds another tube of toothpaste. "You will sit there and listen to me now, or I will shove this tube down your throat, understand?" (The sass, *sigh*)

I nod as she slowly pulls out the tube, screws out the cap and I wonder how I didn't think of that as she hands me the toothpaste.

"Do I just put it in my mouth?" I ask Jude, bringing the tube closer to my mouth. She shouts my name as I start to squeeze the toothpaste into my mouth, "Whaaaaaaaat?" I whine, "it smells so minty and refreshing."

"Cardan..." She growls, clenching her jaw, "you do not eat toothpaste!"

"Oh" I say, and then squeeze a generous amount of toothpaste on my finger, "so I should just smear it on my teeth?"

Jude nods and I spread the gooey stuff on my teeth, and then grin at Jude, displaying my teeth and drawing a small smile from her.  "I didn't mean, smear it on your teeth directly with your hand," she says, wiping the toothpaste of my teeth "we have another item for that."

Jude brings out a small stick like thing, with something like fur on one end. "You put the toothpaste on this and then brush your teeth, you dumbhead" she tells me. Jude brings the stick, no, the brush to her mouth and sticks it in. She moves it around her mouth, the toothpaste foaming in her mouth as she cleans her teeth. Jude then walks to a pot and spits in that, washing her mouth with water. "Like that." she says, placing her hands on her hips. I walk towards her until she's barely inches away from me and look down at her.

Jude blows a mint scented breath in my face, "How does it smell?" I bend down, slightly brushing my nose against her lips and she sucks in a breath. "It smells delicious" I smirk at her as her hands wrap around my waist and pull me closer.

"What do you want Jude?" I ask her, looking into her brown eyes. She laughs, "You're kidding right?" but she looks up at me, wetting her lips, "What do you want?" I grin down at her, "I have and will always want only, you" She doesn't say anything but only slams her lips against mine.

I wrap my arms around her, as her lips open up under mine, tongue slipping hungrily into my mouth. I answer with a brush of my tongue against hers, making her gasp into my mouth as her legs wrap around my hips.

I turn us around, so that my back is against the wall as I remove my mouth from hers. I grin at the camera as Judes lips brush against my jaw, and her hips grind into mine. "I think we will end this episode here, because my wife is intent on devouring me right now," I wave at the camera, "So goodbye, goodnight and we will see you tomorrow."

And then Judes lips capture mine again. 

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(A/N)

Wow right? Not expecting that ending. I know its kinda weird, hehe. And I literraly couldn't think of anything accept for toothpaste! I also wanted to say that you could comment down what you want Cardan to react to next and I'll be more that happy to use your ideas! 

A weird girl, Nova