So I think this is the only online thing that has no connection with me as a person so yeah. Some of you may know me from the jaiden animation x idubbbz story. Yes it is three b's. I really miss those days, life was much simpler and less lonely. I was about 13 when I wrote that story, now I'm almost 18! Time flies. I was much happier back then, even though I didn't realise it. I actually had friends and at least a little bit of self worth. This isn't really the type of thing I would normally do, as I am not one to wallow in pity. But I just feel like it since it's 3:00am. Yeah it's an emotionally thing, but I'm not really feeling that part of it right now. I'm just stating the facts. I hate myself. I don't hate my life though and I do think that it will get better; it's just a little too much to handle. I genuinely have no friends. That's an exaggeration, I have one friend at school and 2 out of school friends. I see these out of school friends maybe 4 times a year. I never go out or do anything except work, go to school, or watch youtube. This is okay when you're 14, but I feel like I should be over this by now. I'm supposed to be partying and having a boyfriend. I haven't even had my first kiss yet. It's sometimes hard to go to work and hear about how these people 2 to 3 years younger than me talking about all the boys they've hooked up with and parties that they've been too. I always just joke around and say that I'm a child of god, although I just wish I did that stuff. But I don't want to. It's an unviable cycle as I don't want either option. The funny thing is that I believe that I actually have a pretty good personality. I make people laugh and I'm always joking around. But I want to be taken seriously too. I want a boyfriend, I want actual friends rather than acquaintances that I make laugh. I don't know I've never really expressed my emotions like this before, it's kind of nice. I just feel so lonely and different. No one dislikes me, it's just that I'm no one's number 1. I just want to feel loved. I do feel loved by my family, but no one else. I feel like I'll never find a partner or more friends. I have uni next year, although I've heard that you're really just on your own there. Man I miss 2018. 2018 was one of the best years ever. I was exercising regularly, had friends, got my first job. I'm honestly running out of things to say but I want to keep on typing. Another thing that makes me feel like shit is one of my classes. I'm doing a thing called specialist maths, there are 6 students in my class and I hate it. I feel trapped and ignored. There are these two girls and they just take all of the attention. And then there's the really smart one and the annoying eccentric one. Then there's me, the boring quiet one. I feel as though .y teacher doesn't like me as much as everyone else because in boring. In class I don't say much because I feel suffocated by everyone else. I just realised I forgot the other girl, she's fine a bit of a try hard though. But yeah, the other day when the 2 attention whores were being annoying my teacher said "im really going to miss you guys" I thought to myself that that was a load of rubbish. She might miss them, but I'll be surprised if she remembers my name. To be honest the only thing that brings me joy these days is art, my flute and kpop. Kpop has has such a big impact on my life. It gives me something to look forward to, and I am really happy that it's in my life. There's this guy at work. Buckle down it's a long story. So a bit of background information on him. Lots of girls like him and he is the optomie of confidence, or so it seems. So one d as y out of the blue I wad like shut up (some random girl) in trying to ask guy out on a date, it's sort of part of my brand to be like that. Super creepy and upfront lol. Anyway obviously everyone found it funny and I went a long with it. He did not like me. I didn't like him either at the time, I purely did it for attention. Anyway the joke kept going on and on until one day I was like, do I like him? He was funny, confident and attractive so I should like him. I really looked up to him. It was clear he didn't like me though and it's been like that up until now. I'm no open and funny around him anymore, I'm timid and shy because I actually like him now. Also turns out he is not confident at all and it's just an act, a bit like me I guess. Oh yeah before me liking him joke happened, I liked to call him my son lol. With the type of behaviour I'm speaking about you would never guess that deep down this person was incredibly lonely, that was deep. Anyway I really don't know what I'm talking about anymore, if anyone read this I hope you got something out of it. :)
Wow this is long enough to be a whole essay.
I hope I'll be able to fall asleep soon.
Goodnight.
