Untold: Xian's Journal

Part 6

Part 6

Our story is not perfect, it's flawed. Every time I look back at those times I wasted, regrets fill me up. I have no one to blame but myself. Why, why was I too late? Why did I hurt her badly? Why did I cause her so much pain? Why did I fail to love her?

If I have known this would happen, I would have never left her side, I would have watched her sleep and wake up, I would have never hurt her. I guess regrets do really come in the end, when you can't do anything about it anymore, when all that's left is your choice to be regretful.

I held her hand tightly. I wish I knew about it from the very start, I wish I was there for her. I can imagine how much she cried when she found out. I can imagine all her pain while suffering through it and I was out there hating her, for a mistake she never did. I was out there mad at her for all the lies Armie fed me. I wish I believed in her a lot more, I wish I tried more to hear her. I wish I wasn't stupid.

"Xian magpahinga ka muna, hindi ka pa natutulog." Tita Claire caressed my back.

I shook my head.

How can I sleep? I was the last person to know about her illness, I was clueless, I was hating her while she's here struggling to live. How can I sleep?

"I know you had a lot of misunderstandings, I know how much pain she had to go through. But Kimberly loves you so much and I know she will always understand you."

I shook my head. My throat feels dry. I am fighting the urge to cry since last night but hearing this from her mom makes me want to cry and beg to all the saints to let my precious flower live.

"I don't deserve her Tita.." My voice croaked, still, I stopped myself from crying. "All I did is make her cry."

Every time I try to remember all the things I've done to her, I only end up with regrets. My heart is full of regrets, and hate, hate for myself.

She was a beautiful flower and she wouldn't have withered if I took care of her. But I abused her. I abused her kindness, her understanding, her love for me. I ruined a beautiful flower.

"Kung mayroon mang may karapatang magsabi na hindi mo deserve ang anak ko ay siya lamang din 'yon Xian. Siya lang din ang makapagsasabing wala kang ibang ginawa kundi ang paiyakin siya. Siya lang ang magsasabi kung hindi niya naramdamang ni minsan ay minahal mo siya. But I know you loved my daughter, right Xian? Alam kong mahal na mahal mo ang anak ko, mula pa sa simula."

I nodded as tears escape from my eyes. I tried so hard not to cry since last night but I guess my heart is full of regrets and pain that it can't contain all of it anymore.

I looked at Kim and prayed so hard while holding onto her.

You have to keep fighting baby, and this time I promise, I will fight with you too. You won't have to be alone in this anymore. I will fight with you.

Days passed and we started her blood transfusion. With the help of Arkin, we get enough blood supply. Armie has been sorry but I couldn't afford to talk to her for a while. I heard she's going through therapies and I am actually happy for her. I hope she gets better, that way, people would learn to love her more.

"How's Kim?" Larry asked.

I sighed and leaned a bit on my chair. I've been sleepless for nights. And we're currently taking our midterms examination.

"Here," she handed me a cup of coffee.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. By the way, I made a reviewer for you. Para hindi kana mahirapan magreview. You can read it while at the hospital." She gave me a few papers like what she usually do when we have exams.