Untold: Xian's Journal

Part 9

Part 9

Maybe Larry is right, I've been trying to live alone, I've been avoiding them because the more I see them, the more I feel that Kim's gone. Every time I see them, that's when reality slaps me that she's not there anymore, that she's gone and she won't come back. They remind me of her and I hate it.

I wanted to be alone, I wanted to live inside my head because that's where I can find her, that's where she is alive, inside my head, inside my heart.

But these past few days, I realized she's getting through to it too, Larry is getting through my head too. And it horrified me.

I see Kim in her that I wanted to own her and I know it's not right, it's wrong in all perspective. And our friends, especially Dylan hated it the most, making me more eager to take her.

Larry is suddenly a possession I wanted, for a reason I can't believe.

I am attracted to her, physically, yes. And I've never been this attracted to anyone. I had the best control when I was with Kim and Armie but when I'm with Larry, I lose all of it, like I am a fucking different person.

Am I? Am I really a different person now? Where's the Xian who loves Kim so much? Where's the Xian who didn't care about the other girls, who only looked at Kim, where is that Xian now?

I am not that Xian anymore. I am the worst version, I am the product of pain and regrets, I am a fucking jerk living a pointless life now. In just two months, I made myself become like this.

What should I do? Should I restart? Again?

"Stop crying Larry," I murmured while watching her cry because of the burns she's got from an accident at a coffeeshop.

I clenched my jaw as I watch her tears fall miserably, like she's in so much pain. I suddenly remember the times that I watch Kim cry because of small accidents. I often feel bothered when she's crying and it fucking feels the same right now. I am bothered to see Larry crying, like how I was bothered with Kim and I don't like it.

"Let's go home so we can put some ointment. Can you bear the pain or you want me to bring you to the hospital?"

She shook her head, "K-kaya ko naman.."

I left her at the backseat. I maneuvered the car while glancing at her at the mirror from time to time.

It's been a month since the last time I talked to her, it was the Foundation night, when I told her how I really feel for her and when she got mad at me.

I stopped myself from going to Fiasco that much just so I can avoid her. I skipped some of my classes or sometimes, I would sit very far from her. I got scared, that my illusions will lead me to trouble.

My intention when I approached her earlier was just about our thesis. She's been doing all the work and I wanted to atleast drive her to the locale but then Tita Claire called asking me to accompany her for a while because Tito Tyler is up to something important.

I told Larry about it and decided to just bring her with me. We stopped over a coffee shop to buy some food when a stupid waiter poured a hot coffee on her chest accidentally. Now she's crying on my backseat and I am pissed.

"Larry!" Tita Claire immediately went to us when we arrived. Her smile faded when she saw Larry's face.

She turned to me, "What happened to her?"

"Nabuhusan po ako ng hot coffee," Larry answered.

We went inside the house to treat her burns. But I couldn't stop the nostalgia that welcomed me, being in this place is very nostalgic.