Untold: Xian's Journal

Part 10

Part 10

What people think is that I stopped grieving after dating Larry. People think I've moved on because I chose to be with Larry. They think I've moved on with the pain, with the longing, they think my love for Kim was shallow, to be able to get over it that fast, that easy.

The truth is, I am still grieving, I am still longing. I will continue to miss her because my love for her is eternal.

I had an eye for Larry merely because I saw the similarities between them, the similarities that I thought was unbelievable. But I guess, people are the same in the small little ways, just like how they are different in their own ways.

I tried to live with the pain alone, I tried to cope with it, I tried everything. I drink so I would end the night sleeping soundly, so I can avoid dreaming of her. Because I refused to believe of her death, I refused to believe that she's gone.

I wanted to wake up and start my day thinking that it's a normal day, that she just left for something and she will be home at the end of the day. She will come home to me, we are married, we are a family. I was in denial, I acted like she was alive, ordered two coffees at the coffee shop just so I won't feel alone, hugged the pillows beside me at night and pretended that it was her, cooked meals for the two of us, just so I won't feel that she's really gone.

And maybe Dylan is right. I didn't want to be alone so when I saw how dedicated Larry is to me, I took advantage of it. It's so hard to admit that I found comfort in her. But I didn't plan to go that far, I didn't plan to drag her to my darkness.

I've seen Kimberly in her character and it dragged me nearer. No matter how much I tried to stop myself, I still ended up seeing her, wanting her, because I was trying to make Kim alive within her.

And that led me to my realization that the real pain of loss is felt at every individual. Larry's presence is a proof of Kim's absence in my life. Every time I see her, I see both herself and Kim, and it only reminded me why, it only reminded me that she's gone.

I'm seeing her on another person because she's gone and I missed her so bad.

Larry made me realize that Kim is gone and that she is she, she is herself, not someone else. And I think it's better that way, it's better to be with her and keep myself sane despite the truth, than to be alone and try to live in denial.

I don't think it was the right person at the wrong time, or even the wrong person at the right time. Everything happened for a reason and I was shocked one day that I woke up with a very light heart to accept the truth.

Moving on is not about time, not even about the approval of the people around you. Moving on is about you. You don't wait for years to fall in love again just because people say it's not yet the right time, you don't let people dictate what you should feel because in the end, we decide on how we live.

"You don't want this child, kaya bakit pa kami mananatili sayo?" She cried so hard while trying to get away from me. "I don't want my child to be treated as a mistake, kaya ko siyang buhayin mag-isa, with all the love that he needs. I don't want him to beg for your love like how I begged for it!"

"That is my child Larry Lois, he won't beg for love because he is my child!" I yelled at her just so she would get back to her senses. She flinched at the way I was holding so I loosened up my grip. I sighed.

"Stop it Larry, I'll take you home. I'll talk to your family and my family. I will marry you, I will be a father to our child."

Her eyes widened, she successfully pushed me away. "No, ayoko! Parang awa mo na Xian, just let me and my child live alone. Please!"